What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

Foo’s next big step toward recovery is realizing that trauma prevents an individual from feeling deserving of love. After listening to Road to Resilience, a podcast hosted by the New York Mount Sinai Health System, Foo discovers the work of psychologist Jacob Ham and hastens to schedule an interview with him.

Ham argues that rage does not always have to be evil but can be productive if used properly: Dr. Bruce Banner and his alter ego, the Hulk, demonstrate this concept quite well. People with PTSD might become angry when triggered and turn into the Hulk, but that anger can be useful if channeled correctly. Despite his destructive tendencies, the Hulk is a hero who is there to protect Bruce Banner and the world, and he can be coaxed into retreating once the danger fades. Dr. Ham hopes to challenge the stigma (including internalized stigma) surrounding PTSD by asking people to befriend and thank their inner Hulks.

When Foo asks Dr. Ham what advice he would offer to people with C-PTSD, Dr. Ham is intrigued and asks Foo about her own experience. She replies that much of her insecurity and anxiety stem from fear: She is distrustful of others and struggles to let go of the belief that people hate her. As she is about to leave, Dr. Ham unexpectedly offers to treat her for free if she agrees to let him record their sessions as part of a personal experiment. Foo jumps at the opportunity.

In her first appointment with him, Dr. Ham points out that Foo tends to be hypervigilant, jump ahead of the topic, or presume the meaning behind his words. For example, when Dr. Ham laments his own perceived failure to communicate effectively, Foo immediately comments that people come to him to learn to communicate. He interrupts her and asks that they scrutinize this interaction in detail. He observes that Foo unconsciously tried to parent him with tough love when he complained about his woes. Although not entirely convinced of this line of reasoning yet, Foo decides to review the recorded transcript to make sure.

After closely reading the transcript of their first therapy session, Foo notices she tends to assume she is being criticized whenever she is confused about the direction of the conversation. Instead of asking for clarification, she disparages herself and apologizes for her failings. This mode of self-scrutiny suits her: If her flaws had been pointed out verbally, she would have obsessed over them. Transcripts, on the other hand, are very familiar to a journalist, and she can more easily distance herself from the analysis and editing. Foo writes, “[W]e were editing my trauma out of the conversation” (266).

The close reading of therapy session transcripts is useful in Foo’s healing process because it gives her a real sense of what she must change in order to communicate more effectively with others. Having previously looked only at the bigger picture of C-PTSD, she has felt frozen about the entire process of holding a conversation, thinking herself pathologically unequal to the task due to her trauma. Foo praises Dr. Ham for his transparency and his capacity to acknowledge his own flaws: The healing process is not linear, and he does not attempt to present himself as all-knowing. As a result, he is more trustworthy than Foo’s past therapists, and she feels comfortable allowing him to correct her behavior.

Dr. Ham’s central theory about complex trauma is that it is fundamentally relational trauma—the consequence of bad relationships with people who were supposed to be trustworthy. As a result, healing from complex trauma should not only involve self-help but also practice in social interaction. Dr. Ham admires Foo for her courage: Not everyone would be comfortable having their words and flaws recorded. Having gained confidence, Foo tries to pay close attention to the conversation the next time she is on the phone with her friend Kathy. She can now perceive moments in their chat where she could demonstrate empathy by asking Kathy about her day or to elaborate a point. Foo ends the conversation feeling capable and good for the first time in months.

Therapy with Dr. Ham is like going to a gym to train the mind. As she is re-learning how to interact with others, Foo recalls a previous visit she paid to the Mott Haven Academy, a charter school in the Bronx comprised mostly of children in foster care. The school focuses on creating a community for their student body, a safe place where they are loved and provided with a family-like structure to supplement what they might (or might not) have at home. Students are not punished for acting up and there are designated spaces for self-soothing if they are overwhelmed. When incidents happen, teachers focus on healing and encouraging students to maintain relationships. When Foo talked with some of the students, a girl called Willow emphasized that everyone has niceness in them, despite their problems. Willow explained that while she could occasionally get angry, being forgiven made her want to do better.

Foo laments that there is no Mott Haven for adults. She tells Dr. Ham about a time Joey gave her a “look” and her frustrations became so overwhelming that she fought with him and broke down in public. She believes her concern stems from a need to parent him. Dr. Ham explains that her nagging comes from a good place, as she is concerned with her fiancé’s health. However, he also suggests trying different methods of expressing her insecurities, such as through directly and clearly communicating her thoughts.

Foo is still insecure about her marriage and tends to worry excessively when she and Joey argue over small things. Dr. Ham suggests it’s not the fights that matter but the repairs. Due to her trauma, Foo has learned to see repairs as a one-way street: She would apologize to her parents, but because they were unwilling to apologize to her, her attempts never repaired their relationship. As a result, she has never learned to think of apology as a bilateral exchange that teaches forgiveness and strengthens the relationship.