What My Bones Know: A Memoir of Healing from Complex Trauma

Dissociation is a mental state in which an individual feels disconnected from their body and the world around them. It is a common form of self-protection for people who experience trauma: Dissociating allows them to ignore violent or unbearable conditions and ensures their survival. It is therefore a common coping mechanism for those with PTSD and complex PTSD and can manifest as flashbacks, trances, time loss (or blackouts), amnesia, out-of-body experiences, etc. Dissociative identity disorder (DID) is an extreme form of dissociation. Foo at first did not believe herself to be dissociated, even when remembering her past, because she felt rational and secure rather than detached or shut down. However, she eventually realized that her emotional distance itself could be a mild form of dissociation: In attempting to run from her past, Foo prevented herself from processing her trauma.

EMDR is a form of therapy developed in 1987 by psychologist Francine Shapiro. It asks patients to move their eyes from left to right while revisiting their trauma in their imagination as a way to process the memories. As of the memoir’s publication, there were no convincing scientific explanations for EMDR’s success. Foo first learned of it from Bessel van der Kolk’s book, The Body Keeps the Score. Although it is allegedly most effective for treating adult-onset trauma, Foo was willing to try anything to manage her C-PTSD. Foo’s first EMDR sessions were the most effective.

The dread is a term Foo uses to describe the various symptoms of C-PTSD. It is the root cause of her anxieties, depressive episodes, panic attacks, and deep fear of abandonment. She first describes it as a void that cannot be filled: No matter how much people around her insist they love her, the void prevents her from feeling fulfilled. Various grounding exercise can calm the void, but it is always present and always hungry. By the end of the memoir, however, Foo finally tames the dread and fills the void inside her with love, self-love, and the community she has built over the years.