What I Carry

Muiriel spends the next three weeks reading at Blackbird and working at Salishwood. To their mutual surprise and joy, Zola and Muiriel reunite when the young girl’s summer school takes a trip to Salishwood. Muiriel explains to Natan and Sean that she and Zola were foster sisters. When Natan says that Muiriel must feel immense gratitude for being in the foster care system, Sean is quick to correct the man’s ignorance. Muiriel muses, “Is this what swooning feels like?” (72). Muiriel and Sean withdraw, and they talk about their favorite naturalists. Although she loathes Gifford Pinchot, whom she considers John Muir’s nemesis, she appreciates Sean’s knowledge of the historical figures. After their shift, Sean charms Muiriel further by accompanying her to the bus stop and reciting a quotation from Muir. Sean will soon leave for a hiking trip to Mount Rainier, which makes her jealous. Still, she can’t help but smile when he asks her to go to the movies with him when he gets back and gives her his number.

Muiriel remembers when she gave Zola an Allen wrench because the girl was feeling scared and homesick. She told Zola, “Different isn’t necessarily broken [...] Sometimes small and bent is the only thing that can make something big and new and safe” (81).

On the first day of Muiriel’s senior year, she and Kira walk to school and have lunch together. In the cafeteria, Tiana and Katrina bully Kira, and Muiriel cheers her up. The popular girls invite Sean to sit with them, but he opts to sit with Muiriel and Kira instead at Muiriel’s invitation. Knowing this will draw Tiana and Katrina’s ire, Kira observes, “Please tell me you did not just invite that chaos to come sniffing around the tent flap of your life” (89). Muiriel retorts that the popular girls are all talk. Sean tells Kira and Muiriel all about his wonderful trip to Mount Rainier and mentions that his mother is a park ranger in the Cascades. Kira sees her aunt—who turns out to be Francine—talking to the principal. Muiriel is alarmed because she doesn’t trust authority figures and because she fears that her lie to Kira about staying with an aunt will be exposed. Francine tells Muiriel that she’s arranged for her to receive school credit for the internship at Salishwood, and Muiriel explains to Kira that Francine is her foster parent. Muiriel worries that her lie will have damaged their friendship and then wonders why she let herself become attached so quickly. She berates herself, “Why was I sabotaging my own exit plan?” (91). To Muiriel’s surprise, Kira happily declares that they’re like cousins, and Francine understands that Muiriel hid the truth because young people can be cruel.

Later that evening, Sean calls to tell Muiriel that he’s been reading John Muir’s work and to ask her to the movies. She says that she needs to check with Francine first, who is happy for her even though Muiriel insists that this isn’t a date. That night, Terry Johnson burrows into Muiriel’s bed, and she sleeps there instead of the couch.

Muiriel goes to Blackbird and tells Kira that Sean asked her to go to the movies with him. Muiriel has never dated anyone because she believes it will only end in disaster and possibly pregnancy. Kira listens to her catastrophizing and then gently teases her, “Oh, my friend [...] You are living in an episode of Jerry Springer in your mind” (99). Sean enters the cafe and invites the girls to a bonfire.

Muiriel carries an AA sobriety coin because she was born with a prenatal meth addiction. Although she made a nearly full recovery, she has some struggles with math and test-taking. When she was 13, Joellen told Muiriel about her condition, explained that this was why prospective parents were reluctant to adopt her, and gave her the coin.

On Friday night, Muiriel feels a mixture of unease and excitement as the bonfire approaches. She goes to Kira’s house, which is the first time she’s ever been invited into a neighbor’s home. The house is decorated with Kira’s artwork. Although she is a gifted painter, she no longer takes art classes because she is trying to avoid Tiana and Katrina. Kira’s mother welcomes Muiriel and says that Muiriel is family because of Francine. Kira explains that Francine’s grandparents saved her maternal grandparents’ home when her family was taken to a concentration camp at Manzanar and observes, “Human decency is thicker than blood” (106). Kira has several tattoos, and she explains that her parents let her get them to keep her from engaging in self-destructive behavior. When that didn’t work, they relocated from Los Angeles to the island. Muiriel surprises herself by opening up to Kira, too, and tells her about the anger she feels toward most adults after a lifetime of being treated like an unreliable narrator in her own life story. Muiriel borrows some dressy black clothes and lets Kira do her makeup. Kira offers to untangle the golden chain, and Muiriel entrusts the necklace to her.

When the girls arrive at the party, Kira goes to talk with an art student named Elliot while Sean and Muiriel stroll along the beach. At first, Sean and Muiriel’s conversation is awkwardly polite, but they quickly decide to be straightforward with one another. Sean says, “To sum up: my dad’s dead, you’re in foster care, life is fucked, no walking on eggshells. Done” (121). Sean tells her how he and his mother walked the John Muir Trail in the Sierra Nevada after his father’s death. He asks if she’s ever scared of being alone. She answers that she’s not alone and kisses him. Suddenly, Kira appears to let Muiriel know that she is going home because she got beer on her dress. Muiriel decides to go with her and deduces that Tiana deliberately spilled the drink on her. On the drive back to Kira’s house, Muiriel asks her friend why she doesn’t stand up to the bullies or ask Sean to leverage his popularity and make them leave her alone. Through tears, Kira says that she’ll never have to see her bullies again after graduation and asks, “Just let me do it the way I need to, okay? Please?” (127). Muiriel agrees to leave the matter alone even though she still wants to intervene.