What I Carry

As soon as December begins, Francine decorates the house for Christmas and starts playing Christmas music from morning to night. Kira transfers back into art class, and the teacher invites her to paint a mural. Muiriel, Sean, and Elliot join Kira in the art room at lunch every day while she’s working on the project, a “gorgeous wave of water and sky and light” (230). Muiriel remains anxious about aging out in a matter of months and concern for Zola, but she feels happier than she ever has before. Katrina and Tiana paint over Kira’s mural, and Kira says that the bullying is her penance because she used to be an unfeeling popular girl when she lived in California. Muiriel argues that Kira has already taken responsibility for her past actions and doesn’t need to punish herself anymore. Kira agrees to talk to Principal Langford with Muiriel, but the woman refuses to call Tiana and Katrina to her office and instead accuses Muiriel of making rash accusations. Francine intervenes and demands that the principal protect the girls from bullying. Elliot races into the office. Thanks to one of his photography projects, he has footage of Katrina and Tiana painting over the mural.

On the first day of winter break, Muiriel briefly meets Sean’s mother, Sarah. Sarah asks Muiriel if she has any interest in extended foster care because that could help her earn the bachelor’s degree that she needs to become a park ranger. Sean is embarrassed, but Muiriel appreciates that Sean talks to his mother about her and that she wants to help her reach her dream. Sean and Muiriel go on a winter solstice walk in the Puget Sound Reserve, an event that Sean made reservations for back in September. During the walk, Muiriel gives him her brass compass. He tells her, “I promise if you get lost, I’ll come find you” (248). Joellen gave her the compass when she was in third grade because she kept wandering away from her foster homes to go skygazing.

When Muiriel comes back home, she thanks Francine for believing her about the bullying and expresses concern that other parents might give Francine trouble because Katrina and Tiana got suspended. Francine tells Muiriel that she’s so proud of her courage. Moved to tears, Muiriel hugs her. When Muiriel goes to her bedroom, she finds a tiny sculpture of Terry Johnson from Kira. Muiriel places the sculpture on her bedside table and then puts her clothes inside her dresser for the first time.

Muiriel recalls how she loved the smell of Easter candy so much that she put jelly beans inside her pillowcase when she was in fourth grade. The candy drew ants, and she discovered that Fruit Stripe gum was a good alternative. She still uses the consistent, comforting scent of the gum to help her fall asleep.

On Easter, Muiriel and Sean guide families for nature walks and egg hunts at Salishwood. Zola arrives and tells Muiriel that she is back in foster care. Joellen is now her social worker and is trying to place her back with her grandmother. Muiriel feels a mixture of guilt and worry when she thinks about Zola’s living situation, and Sean listens to her share those difficult feelings.

When Sean and Muiriel go to Francine’s house after their shift, they find Terry Johnson lying in a puddle of vomit and realize that he ate the chocolates Francine gave Muiriel. Kira drives Muiriel, Sean, and Terry Johnson to the emergency veterinarian clinic. Francine joins them there and holds Muiriel’s hand while the teenager weeps and remembers how loved and welcome Terry Johnson has made her feel. When they return home with a woozy but recovering dog in tow, Muiriel apologizes to Francine and offers to have Joellen relocate her. Francine answers, “He’s perfectly fine. Even if he hadn’t been, it would not have been your fault, and for God’s sake, I would never kick you out. Don’t you know that by now?” (264). Muiriel breaks one of her own rules by asking Francine about her past. She was a pediatric nurse and married a cardiologist who left her when she was 40. She always wanted children, so she became a foster parent after that.

Muiriel’s memories of her first foster parents are hazy. She called them Mom and Dad because they insisted that they were going to adopt her. She was with them until she was four years old, and then they put her back into the system when the foster mother became pregnant: “They kept me long enough to decimate my best, only chance to ever have a family, just in time for me to become ‘unadoptable’” (268). As Muiriel opens up, Francine expresses righteous anger on her behalf as well as gratitude that Muiriel is in her life. That night, Muiriel moves more clothes into the dresser and unpacks her toiletries.

In late April, Jane calls Muiriel into her office. Muiriel fears that she’s going to be fired. Instead, Jane asks if she would be interested in a paid position at Salishwood. To celebrate, Kira bakes a cake. Both she and Sean have been accepted to the University of Washington. Later, Sean tries to talk to Muiriel about what she’ll do after she ages out of the system, and she responds, “I’ve done what I can to make it easier, and now I just have to let the clock run out, so please can you let me, for just this one afternoon, think about how happy I am for my friends?” (274). When she returns to the house, Muiriel says that she should turn down the job offer at Salishwood because she will need to get another job in Seattle to support herself. Francine points out that Muiriel could stay in foster care until she’s 21 and receive free tuition or Francine could adopt her. Muiriel is upset because Francine promised that she wouldn’t try to adopt her: “If I stayed all year I would be done, her last kid and my last foster parent, released from care and free to go. She promised me” (277). She excuses herself to her room, slams the door, and cries.

Muiriel wakes up early the next morning and walks for miles on Salishwood’s trails before Sean finds her. He tells her that he loves her and asks her to help him understand why she doesn’t want to be adopted even though she wants to stay on the island. She provides historical and current examples of times when adoption has hurt children and biological parents. Referring to her own circumstances, she says, “I can’t be trapped. I’m not here to be kept until I’m an inconvenience” (281). He says that he, Kira, and Francine all want to be there for her and that their love for her is unconditional. Frustrated that his heartfelt words don’t seem to be having any effect, Sean walks off.

Muiriel tells Jane that she’s sick and goes to Blackbird. Kira notices that she’s been crying, leaves her shift early, and takes her friend to the beach where there is a memorial wall covered in photographs from the Japanese internment. Kira explains that her grandmother was taken to Manzanar as an orphaned infant and that her great-grandparents adopted her. She knows that she can’t fully understand Muiriel’s life, but she wants her to know that adoption can be a good thing and that Francine has never wanted to adopt before even though she’s been a foster parent for decades. Kira shows Muiriel a tattoo design with the Japanese word ‘Gaman,’ which means, “To bear the seemingly unbearable with patience and dignity,” (290). When Muiriel protests that Kira should be the one to have that tattoo because the word has so much meaning for Kira’s family, Kira replies that Muiriel is part of her family.

Muiriel carries a price tag from a pair of Prada sandals that she found in a thrift store. She thought of buying the shoes even though she didn’t have any outfits that would suit them. However, she decided to put the shoes back because she thought that there must be something wrong with them or the original owners would have kept them or someone else would have bought them.

The next day, Muiriel ignores several messages from Joellen. During her shift at Salishwood, she spends time with an unusually quiet Zola. After the nature walk, Joellen and a Seattle police officer speak to Zola. The foster mother that Muiriel and Zola lived with at the start of the novel falsely accused her of stealing a gold bracelet. Not wanting the young girl’s life to be ruined, Muiriel takes the blame.

The police officer, Muiriel, Joellen, and Zola go to Francine’s house while Sean looks for Francine. Muiriel writes down a list of places where the foster mother likely left her bracelet and tells Joellen to call the woman. Kira, Mrs. Aoyama, Sean, and Elliot come to Francine’s house to support Muiriel. To buy time, Muiriel shows the police officer everything in her room while Elliot takes photographs. Francine arrives and tells him in no uncertain terms, “You cannot separate your actions from their context. This child is not a thief. Zola is a baby. She is not a thief. I want you out of my house. Now” (302). Muiriel assures Francine that she has a plan but asks her to stay with her. The officer dismissively roots through the treasure trove she keeps in a pillowcase. Joellen calls up to them that the foster mother found her bracelet. The adults go downstairs, and Zola joins the teenagers in Muiriel’s room. Muiriel introduces her to Terry Johnson and gives her back the Allen wrench.

After the officer leaves, Muiriel and Francine sit on the porch. Muiriel confesses that she feels guilty for how well things have turned out for her because most people who age out of foster care do not have the support system she does. Francine tells her to find a way to contribute to positive change rather than castigating herself. Francine tries to help Muiriel deconstruct the damaging beliefs that she’s formed about herself and adoption, including her fear that a home is just a trap. Muiriel rests her head in Francine’s lap and cries. Francine tells her, “[A]s long as you’re breathing, nothing is ever too late. I don’t want to hear you say that again, understand? We do not talk or think that way in our house” (309). Francine gives Muiriel the gold chain necklace, which is now free of tangles thanks to the combined efforts of her, Kira, Sean, and Mrs. Aoyama. Feeling calm and happy for the first time in a long time, Muiriel hugs Francine close and accepts that she is home.

In June, Muiriel, Sean, Kira, and Elliot go on a road trip to California. They visit the John Muir Medical Center where Muiriel was born, and their final stop is the Muir Woods. Now that Muiriel doesn’t have to be so concerned about her savings, the friends are also planning a trip to the John Muir Trail in Yosemite and Manzanar. For now, Muiriel is in extended foster care with Francine until she is 21, and she is becoming more open to the possibility of adoption and to attending college. A passing park ranger explains that the redwoods depend on one another to survive and grow strong. Muiriel tells her friends that she’s ready to go home