What I Carry

On the Saturday of Muiriel and Sean’s date, Francine gives Muiriel a cell phone. Muiriel worries about the phone bill, but Francine assures her that the money comes from the monthly stipend the state provides for Muiriel’s care. Muiriel feels fondness toward Francine when she realizes that her foster mother is as furious about the system’s inadequacies as Joellen is.

Sean meets Muiriel at Francine’s house and is excited to hear that she has a phone. He texts her, “you look beautiful in pink” (147). On the way to the movie theater, Muiriel learns that Sean lives alone for most of the year because his mother is stationed at Rainier, which is three hours away. Sean hopes to study environmental science at the University of Washington, earn his master’s with Salishwood, and be stationed on a nearby mountain. The teenagers are so caught up in their conversation that they arrive at the theater 20 minutes late, so they eat frozen yogurt beside the water instead. They talk about Sean’s late father and Muiriel’s prenatal meth addiction, and they engage in a playful debate about Muir and Pinchot. Muiriel tells Sean that she’s been in 20 foster homes, and he asks her to try to stay with Francine for the whole year. For the first time, she admits out loud that she sometimes wanted to stay at her previous homes. He holds her hand, and they kiss.

Both of the teenagers have their phones off, so Muiriel misses Francine’s calls and arrives home late. Sean tries to take the blame, and Francine sends him home. Muiriel bursts into tears because she is convinced that Francine is going to send her away. Her foster mother explains that she was worried rather than angry because Muiriel is so impeccably punctual that she thought something terrible must have happened to her. Francine knows that Muiriel used to sleep on the couch and that she still keeps most of her things in her suitcase. She tells her, “Muiriel, unpack. Stay. Let me help you” (159). Her kindness makes Muiriel cry harder as she imagines how much more difficult life alone will be if she allows herself to depend on anyone. Normally, Muiriel would call Joellen the moment she felt attached to a foster parent, but she decides not to.

Muiriel recalls a home she lived in when she was 11. The foster parents were a wealthy couple who were often sarcastic and rude toward their foster children and didn’t even allow them to use their legally mandated closet. Because Muiriel was polite and compliant, the foster mother gave her the brass key to the closet and offered to adopt her. Muiriel politely declined and took the key with her when Joellen picked her up the following morning.

At school, Kira tries to help Muiriel understand that missing curfew by 32 minutes won’t destroy her life and that she doesn’t have to stop seeing Sean. Elliot heads toward their table to talk to Kira, but Tiana and Katrina steer him away while shooting challenging looks toward Muiriel. During her next shift at Salishwood, Muiriel finds her resolution to keep some distance between herself and Sean wavering. She is “so happy [she can] barely keep it in” when she sees Zola among the visitors (167), but she worries that the girl might be placed back in foster care because her grandmother has some health problems. Muiriel advises Zola to do her best in school and hugs Sean tight when he expresses concern for Zola. Natan says that children like Zola are in foster care because they made poor decisions, and Sean guides Muiriel away from the man before she says or does something she regrets. Natan follows them, interrupts their kissing, and begins to play “Ring of Fire.” Muiriel takes his guitar, gives him a lecture on seismology, puts the instrument on Jane’s desk, and leaves. Sean accompanies her to the bus stop and pleads with her to let himself, Francine, and Kira be there for her. Muiriel feels miserable that evening, but she feels better when she joins Francine and Terry Johnson on the couch to watch some television. That night, she calls Joellen and asks if she can check on Zola.

Muiriel carries a library card for a different county. Libraries offered a sanctuary to her when she was growing up, and Laura Ingalls Wilder was one of her favorite authors. However, she remembers a disturbing scene in one of the Little House on the Prairie books in which a character named Ida is treated like an indentured servant and cheerfully accepts this because she is “only an adopted child” (176).

In October, Muiriel sends Sean links to documentaries about people who age out of foster care, and he asks insightful questions about them. Although she finds herself increasingly drawn to him, she remains adamant that she shouldn’t pursue a romantic relationship. She also worries that she’s allowed herself to grow too attached to the kind and funny Kira. Tiana comes to the cafe with Elliot in tow to purchase desserts for the artists’ showcase at school. Elliot tries to talk to Kira and compliments her art, but Tiana interrupts. Muiriel tries to console her friend by sharing her bread and jam. Joellen checks on Zola, but she’s not allowed to tell Muiriel anything other than that she’s safe.

Muiriel plans to spend Halloween eating candy alone at home, but Sean shows up to Francine’s house dressed as John Muir. She can’t help but laugh and appreciate his effort, and Francine encourages her to go with him. At the parade, one of Francine’s friends tells Muiriel that she’s lucky to have Francine, and Francine retorts that she’s the lucky one. Muiriel and Sean staff the Salishwood booth, and she enjoys interacting with the excited children who stop by. Natan sees them and asks invasive questions about whether they’re intimate, and Sean shoos him away. Kira joins her friends later that night, and Sean reassures her that Elliot is single. Sean walks Muiriel home and then gives her a copy of Lost Woods: The Discovered Writing of Rachel Carson. He respects that she wants space and tells her that he’s “not giving up hope” (188). That night, she sets the book from Sean along with her copies of Bread and Jam for Frances and The Wilderness World of John Muir on top of her dresser.

Muiriel carries a paper cup from when she was in third grade. Her teacher played Mary Poppins for the class, and Muiriel was so distraught over the way the adults in the film treat the Banks children that she screamed, “Mary is a lying liar” and was sent to the principal’s office for the first time in her life (190). A kindly secretary gave her a cup of water and soothed her fears.

In early November, Muiriel goes to the library to study with Kira. They see Sean drive off with Katrina, and Kira urges Muiriel to realize that being with him isn’t a bad decision. She explains, “Sean was my only friend at this school, on the entire island. Until you came. [...] I like you having reasons to stay” (195). Filled with a sudden determination, Kira races up to the art room to collect her work from last year and enter it in the showcase. While Kira and Elliot look for a ladder, Tiana deliberately knocks Kira’s sculpture of Terry Johnson to the ground. Muiriel wants to confront the bully, but she listens to Kira’s entreaties to leave it alone. Elliot drives Kira home while Muiriel fumes at Katrina and Tiana’s bullying and the adults that allow it to continue.

Muiriel recalls a home in Madrona where she lived when she was 12. The foster mother and father told her that she had a permanent primal wound because she was separated from her mother: “[Y]our relationships will suffer; you won’t be able to develop healthy attachments to those you may love” (201). That night, Muiriel called Joellen and asked her to pick her up at once.

After the incident in the art room, Muiriel goes to Salishwood. Natan follows her into the forest, blocks her path, and asks her if she had sex with Sean. He starts to explain who John Muir is as if she doesn’t realize that he is her namesake. Her instincts tell her that Natan wants to assault her, so she hits him with a branch and escapes to Jane’s office. She tells Jane that she doesn’t want to involve the police but cannot return to Salishwood while Natan is there. She breaks down crying when she returns home but doesn’t tell Francine what happened. She feels better after having dinner and watching some television with her foster mother. Francine surprises her by encouraging her to express her righteous anger rather than always showing gratitude to everyone.

The next day at school, Sean is absent. Muiriel tells Kira what happened with Natan. That evening, Muiriel tells Francine that she’s worried about Sean, and Francine offers to drive her to his house. Once the teenagers are alone, Sean explains that he left school with Katrina because he tutors her and Tiana, not because there is anything romantic between them. Muiriel tells Sean about how the popular girls bully Kira even though she worries that she’s betraying her friend’s trust. Sean promises he won’t say anything to Kira and that he’s done associating with Tiana and Katrina. His hand is bandaged because he sprained it punching Natan. Muiriel and Sean share a kiss, and he makes sure that she’s back home before curfew.