We Dream of Space

“The Thomas family was like its own solar system. Planets in orbit. No, not planets. More like meteors or space junk. Floating objects that sometimes bumped or slammed into each other before breaking apart.”

Despite the close quarters in which they live in their modest house, Tammy and Mike Thomas and their children spend very little time together as a family, and when they do circumstances often devolve into disagreements or even arguments. Tammy and Mike are less involved in the lives of their children than most parents, only intervening when their children find themselves in trouble or request help directly. Each member of the family is absorbed in their separate interests and pursuits, coexisting rather than having a strong familial relationship.

“For a machine to work the way it’s supposed to, all the parts have to do their jobs. And what is a family but a complicated machine? One loose bolt, one badly oiled gear, and the whole thing gets cranky, loud, and unpredictable. Bird prided herself on being the most reliable gear in the Nelson Thomas Family Device […]”

Of the five people in the Nelson Thomas household, Bird is the only one who makes a conscious effort to avoid and diffuse conflict. Tammy and Mike frequently argue, shouting insults at one another, and even throwing and breaking furniture and other household objects over the course of their disputes. Cash and Fitch trade insults of their own back and forth when they aggravate one another. Bird has learned how to emerge from her room at the right moment so that she can deescalate her parents’ fights.

“That’s when the fire popped and burst and, in one swift movement that no one saw coming, Fitch wrapped his hand around Vern’s wrist—tight, tight—and pushed him back a step. ‘Don’t touch me again,’ Fitch said. His eyes were so fiery and his voice so angry that Vern simply nodded and winced. When Fitch let him go, Vern rubbed his wrist like someone who had just been released from handcuffs.”

Fitch is aware of his propensity toward becoming irritated and angry in social situations where others’ behavior frustrates him, and he makes concerted efforts to regulate his emotions and restrain himself from reacting. His friend Vern is a significant trigger point for Fitch. Vern’s constant berating, though Vern claims he is teasing, and Fitch teases him back, pushes Fitch’s limits, and by the time Fitch responds, finally setting his boundaries, his methods are often perceived as unwarranted and overly aggressive.

“Once their kids were out of sight, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas morphed into their own separate machine. One that shot sparks and burned skin. Someone needed to stick a screwdriver in the spokes. Bird took a deep breath and turned the knob. But someone else beat her to it. Fitch. His door flew open with such force that it shook hers.”

Tammy and Mike frequently lecture their children about the kind of language they use when talking to each other, and Tammy is appalled to hear the content of what Fitch shouts at Amanda Piper during science class. However, neither parent seems willing to consider the fact that their arguments can be heard by their children in explicit detail throughout their home. The only argue when their children are in their respective bedrooms, mistaking out of sight for out of earshot. Tammy and Mike demonstrate no awareness that Fitch’s anger and oppositional attitude might be related to what he witnesses at home.

“Consensus. When Bird’s parents argued, one of them usually wound up leaving the house for a few hours. One time her mom stayed away overnight. Apparently, they never came to a consensus since their arguments often repeated themselves. What a world Danielle Logan lived in. Treehouses and consensus.”

Dani Logan’s home life is a source of wonder and mystery for Bird. , Bird’s own circumstances are in every way different from that of her new friend, from her home’s physical orderliness to the relationship that Dani describes between herself and her parents. The way Dani describes the process through which she and her parents compromised on the name of their cat is refreshing for Bird, not only that the family together came to a solution while avoiding an argument, but that once the matter had been settled the interaction had been so fair and amicable that the issue required no further discussion.

“A bolt of electricity shot through Fitch’s arms. It happened that way sometimes, quick as lightening, and just as unexpected. Like lighting a match, except the match was deep in his bones. The spark made him want to grab Vern’s shirt, twist it into a ball right under his throat, punch him in the stomach, maybe, right where all that buttered popcorn now rested. Push him against one of the game cabinets—Defender or Asteroids, which were just a heartbeat away—and tell him, through clenched teeth, that if he made a comment like that again, Fitch would fix it to where he couldn’t speak at all. The fire blazed from his marrow to his skin, but instead of moving forward, Fitch forced his hands into his pockets and pushed his fists dep, deep, where they’d be safe.”

Fitch never resorts to violence over the course of We Dream of Space, but he does think about what it might be like to lash out physically against his friend in response to Vern’s teasing, especially about Amanda Piper and her perceived crush on Fitch. Fitch’s decreasing threshold of tolerance for Vern’s foreshadows his eventual outburst against Amanda in Ms. Salonga’s class. Instead of directing his anger at Vern, he is driven to hurt someone who shows him romantic interest by insulting her and embarrassing her in front of the class.

“Judith Resnik: Exactly. ‘Pretty” isn’t real, Bird. It’s one person looking at another and saying yes or no, based on their own personal judgements. And it’s transient. IT’s like the wind—society says something is pretty one minute, then they decide it’s not pretty anymore, and everyone moves where it takes them. Pretty is nothing. Pretty is invisible. Pretty is what you make it.”

Before she looked at Judith Resnik’s photo in class and saw the similarities there, Bird had never given much consideration to her physical appearance. Bird is excited to see herself in someone whose accomplishments and ambitions she admires, and she is wounded and confused when Jessica Diaz tells her that pretty isn’t really her thing. Without adults close to her in whom she can confide and from whom she can ask advice about social notions like physical beauty and whether one can be both pretty and smart, Bird imagines that she can speak to Judith Resnik, creating a dialogue through which she might formulate what the astronaut might say.

“It was the last ‘Henry,’ the final ‘Henry’ right before the tardy bell, that set him off. Flicked a switch. Set fire to every cell in his body. He shot out of his chair with so much force that his desk shook and wobbled out of place, and he faced her, this Amanda, this girl who had ruined his mornings and now his afternoons, this girl with her round, ruddy cheeks and her big hair, this girl who just had to talk about his red face, who played Skee-Ball and gave him stickers, and he realized now why she looked different—she was wearing makeup, makeup. His red cheeks blazed. He clenched his fists at the sides, took a quick, deep breath, and yelled, with all the rage firing through his body.”

When he acts out against Amanda, he is enraged that she has continued to call him Henry against his expressed wishes and that she has, in his opinion, invaded his space and disrupted his life. As a result, Fitch hurts and embarrasses her, but he also manages to embarrass himself. In losing control in front of his classmates, shouting and throwing his notebook across the room, he subjects himself to their judgement, and their awkward silence and the slight burst of laugher he hears fill him instantly with regret. Though he feels justified, he still feels judged, as he knows that in part it is he and he alone who is responsible for how he reacted to Amanda. He might have lashed out against Vern, and told him to mind his own business, but his target is a vulnerable person he knows will not challenge him back.

“Bird shrugged with one shoulder ‘I’m fine. I’m worried about my brothers. Not just Fitch, but Cash, too. I don’t want him to fail seventh grade again, and I –’

‘I understand that, Bird,’ Ms. Salonga said, gently. ‘But I asked about you. How are you?’”

Ms. Salonga is an astute observer of her students, someone who can perceive aspects of their talents and character that they themselves may not even be conscious of. She encourages and supports her students wholeheartedly. When Bird approaches their teacher to ask what happened in first period between Fitch and Amanda, and communicates her worries about both of her brothers, Ms. Salonga feels it is her responsibility to remind Bird that she too is important, and that she needs to care about herself the way she cares about others.

“Bird smiled. It had been a long time since a grown-up had told her she had a great idea. Who was the last person? Mrs. Salonga, probably. What a strange universe, Bird thought. She felt silly admitting this—even to herself—but she didn’t know families really ate dinner together. Sure, Ms. Salonga had told them stories of how their family ate together, and how they had rules, like no arguing at the table. But it seemed like a fairy tale; something that only existed in tall tales or on TV. ‘Dani told us all about you, Bernadette,’ Mrs. Logan said. She wiped her mouth with a napkin and smiled. ‘She says you’re very smart.’”

In her seventh-grade year, though she also receives negative feedback on her appearance from peers like Jessica Diaz and Devonte for the first time, Bird also receives genuine support and encouragement from adults and from her new friend Dani Logan. Not only do Mr. and Mrs. Logan and Ms. Salonga praise Bird’s intellect and scholarly aptitude and embolden Bird to follow her dreams, but they offer her an alternate view of what it can mean to be a family and inspire her to change her expectations regarding how she sees her circumstances at home.

“His brain added up all the reasons why everything was her fault (she couldn’t take a hint, she followed him to the arcade, she called him Henry and gave him stickers), but no matter what, he wouldn’t make the equation work. He didn’t want to admit it, even to himself, but he had done something terrible, and that’s all there was to it. On the way out of the principal’s office, his mother turned to him and said, ‘How could you be so cruel?’ And that word—cruel—sliced him in half.”

When Fitch owns the fact that he alone is responsible for shouting at Amanda Piper in Ms. Salonga’s class, he feels a genuine sense of guilt and remorse which he has not demonstrated up to this point. Frequently angered by his peers, siblings, parents, and teachers, Fitch has learned to recognize the triggers which irritate him most, but he has also felt himself correct in justifying his reactions in response to those triggers. In revisiting how he treated Amanda, he realizes that there is no excuse for his actions.

“‘I got news for you, Bernadette. You’re never gonna be a shuttle commander for NASA and you’re never going into space. Reality check. You’re just a girl from Delaware who’s nothing special,’ said Fitch. He didn’t’ know why he was saying it, but he couldn’t’ stop the words from tumbling out, one by one, like poison. ‘You’ll end up just like Mom. Not Sally Ride or Judith Whatever.’ The words dangled in the air. Fitch didn’t move. Didn’t make eye contact. That sick feeling rose up again as Bird left the room. Before she’d walked in, he wanted to break something. And he had.”

When Fitch and Bird have this interaction, Fitch has just been suspended from school for his outburst at Amanda Piper, and he is disappointed in himself but also resentful of his mother, who lectured him on his behavior. His own guilt combined with his anger at what he perceives to be his mother’s hypocrisy have made him short tempered, and he falls into his habit of lashing out when he is having trouble reconciling with his emotions. This instance illustrates how Fitch’s impulsivity can be as volatile as his temper; despite how badly he felt after insulting and humiliating Amanda only hours before he proceeds to repeat a similar offense against his sister.

“When he woke up, he realized something: he didn’t have anything going on because he wasn’t good at anything. Ms. Salonga always told them that everyone was good at something. And he’d heard it before, from other teachers. He never thought much about it. But now, at this moment, it was all he could think about. So far this was the only thing he could come up with: Bird is good at school. Fitch is good at arcade games. I am good at nothing. He would have settled for being good at anything. Anything at all. […] You will have something on your list by the end of the day, Cash Nelson Thomas.”

Each of the Nelson Thomas children undergo a transformative experience, and Cash’s personal transformation is motivated by his fear that he will have to repeat seventh grade yet again. Though he doesn’t like school, Cash accepts that he must confront obstacles to ensure his academic success, and he commits to being more diligent with schoolwork. When his friends remind him that there are only about 100 days left in the school year, Cash sees this limited amount of time as a warning but also as an opportunity, thinking that he correct course. Most important to Cash is his desire to discover a pursuit into which he can invest himself, and his commitment to his purpose provides him with a structured plan that he can confidently and enthusiastically begin to execute.

“He used to stow away in here when he was little. The three of them—him, his sister, and brother—used to play hide-and-seek, and this was the first place he’d go. The hems didn’t even reach the top of his head back then. It became known as his favorite hiding spot, but eventually, he got smart. Instead of throwing himself into the closet and closing the door with his heart pounding, he left the door open and stacked and arranged the clothes neatly around him—on his lap, all the way up to his chin and over his face—so he was completely camouflaged. Nothing to see here but a pile of dirty clothes, he’d think to himself. But it never worked. Bird always found him.”

Without knowing why, Fitch seeks comfort in his favorite childhood hiding place, his parents’ closet. This space reminds him of happier times when he and his siblings did not feel so alienated from each other. The reader does not know if Tammy and Mike’s relationship has always been volatile, but the relationship between the Nelson Thomas siblings has changed significantly. This retreat to the closet indicates not only Fitch’s desire to be closer to his parents, but his longing for a time when he was closer with his siblings.

“Uh-oh, Cash thought. This is the part where I get laughed out of the office. Give it up, Thomas, he’ll say. You’re not an athlete. How many more ways can I break it to you?”

Cash demonstrates courage in his newfound commitment to discovering what he is “good at.” Up until now, only Bird has offered Cash any level of assistance or encouragement in any area of his life. Without adult guidance and self-confidence, it is easy for Cash to become bogged down. He suspects that his Coach had been glad to have Cash’s poor grades as an excuse to cut him from the basketball team, even though his experience indicates that Coach is a kind and supportive person. Despite his fear that he will face rejection when he suggests to Coach that he might like to try out for the track team, his determination outweighs his doubts.

“You’re not…

Those were possibly the two most terrible words to start any sentence.

You’re not pretty.

You’re not interesting.

You’re not special.

The possible endings were as vast as the sky. Fitch’s music stopped. The silence felt heavy, as if it was coming from deep within Bird herself.

You’re just…a girl from Delaware. Being pretty isn’t your thing.”

Until seventh-grade, Bird’s excitement and enthusiasm about education and pursing her future goals have not been tampered by outside social influences. This year, Bird, Cash, and Fitch are each confronted by the new and complicated requirement of navigating their peers, especially as it relates to physical appearance, crushes, and romantic attachments. Bird takes Jessica Diaz and Devonte’s comments on her appearance to heart, and these opinions spiral to create doubt and self-consciousness in other facets of her perception of herself.

“Bird closed her eyes. She imagined that the hum of the car was the hum of solid rocket boosters. She held on to the sides of the driver’s seat. But it wasn’t a car’s seat. It was a shuttle seat. Judith was next to her. The mission would decide whether or not she would be promoted to shuttle commander. Nothing could go wrong. ‘All systems go,’ Bird said.”

Bird’s strategy for avoiding her parents’ arguments is to retreat to her bedroom or go outside to look at the stars. With the Challenger mission approaching and her thoughts occupied with the upcoming launch, Bird decides on a more intentional form of escape, staring the family car and imagining it is the space shuttle. Her dreams of space allow her to envision herself in a future far removed from the familial tension always fluctuating around her, and her ability to take flight in her mind has become a coping mechanism for her.

“He couldn’t take it anymore. The unsaid apology followed him everywhere. He wanted to swat it away. He wanted to believe that it didn’t matter and that he should just go on with his life. But he couldn’t. He’d apologized to his sister, and now he would apologize to Amanda Piper, and then he could move on without feeling like a failure. […] The words came out crisp and true. He’d never said anything with so much conviction. He surprised even himself. […] But the words were said. They were out there. It didn’t change the past, but it certainly influenced this moment—the present. He exhaled.”

Fitch’s remorse for the hurt he caused Amanda indicates his character development. Fitch not only takes responsibility for his actions, but he feels compelled and motivated to make amends. Fitch has an even deeper appreciation for how badly hurt Amanda is when he realizes the lengths to which she has gone to avoid him in school, and when she does not speak to him after he has finished apologizing. Still, Fitch is relieved to have attempted to rectify the situation to the best of his ability.

“It never made it. Cash looked down at his vocabulary words again. He felt an emotion he couldn’t explain. The other kids were talking. Someone even laughed. Made a joke. What was funny about a shuttle exploding? The class spoke in whispers, then in normal tones, as Mr. Wills told Mrs. Pachenko the few details that he knew. ‘Bird,’ said Cash, to no one but himself.”

Upon hearing about the Challenger disaster, Cash is instinctively aware that the tragedy will have a significant impact on Bird. Both Cash and Fitch have been so preoccupied with their own struggles that neither has considered the feelings of well-being of their sister, but Cash realizes when she is the first thought to ender his mind upon hearing the news for Mr. Wills that he has more of an awareness and an inclination toward caring for her than he had ever actually thought about.

“What did it feel like to have a ‘major malfunction’? Machines were supposed to be reliable. Machines were supposed to do what humans told them to do. Machines weren’t supposed to make mistakes. Mistakes were for humans. Not machines. Bird looked at her feet as she walked. Her brothers stayed with her, even though she was moving slowly. She wanted to look at the sky to see if she’d see anything—anything at all—but she was afraid, so she didn’t. She kept her eyes down. They walked in silence all the way home.”

Bird has come to find comfort in the consistency and reliability of items engineered to serve a purpose. For Bird, humans, especially her family, are often illogical and unpredictable, and her faith in science and the peace she finds in the concrete organization of engineering is shaken when the Challenger explodes. While they don’t understand the depth of her confusion and disillusionment, Fitch and Cash walk beside their sister; though she may feel at her loneliest, she is less alone than she has been in some time.

“She wished she could stay here, on this couch, forever. She wished the Logans would come home, see her there, and act like it was totally normal. We’ll show you to your room, they would say. They would make dinner together and sit at the table and do cheers at her good ideas, whatever they were. After they set their glasses down, she would ask, ‘Is it okay to cry for people you don’t know?’ And they would comfort her. They would hear, really hear, every word she said. They would sit on either side of her and nothing would be about them. No raised voices. No lost questions. Just consensus. She wished she was part of a different family. She wished she was part of this family.”

Bird is aware of the kind of social and emotional support she requires to process and cope with what happened to the Challenger. She knows that the debriefing she would truly like to have with adults who care about her and who can answer her questions and offer her comfort and wisdom, is not available to her at home, so she seeks out an environment where she feels she would be nurtured and understood, even though she knows she will be in the house alone.

“He’d never noticed before how each sound in the house affected the others, including Bird’s silence. She wasn’t loud to begin with, but her quietness had become the loudest thing in the family. Last night he’d knocked on her door to ask if she was okay. At one point Cash had casually asked if she had any new schematics. That’s when Fitch realized that no one had ever really asked about Bird’s drawings before. She went to her room without answering; he wasn’t even sure she’d heard them.”

As they observe her despondency over the Challenger disaster, Bird’s brothers realize how they have benefitted from the consistency and harmony she brings to the household. She is a ballast keeping them as level as she can despite their parents’ constant arguing, and what she has done for them inspires both young men reciprocate the kindnesses and care she has consistently shown. They realize that it will require significant effort to connect with Bird behind the barrier of her grief, but they make the commitment to continue trying.

“Bird spent the day molding and shaping this new belief system. When Monday came around, she was going to be a different person. She wouldn’t concern herself with silly drawings or becoming the first female shuttle commander. She would direct all that energy toward things that actually mattered. Maybe she’d dust her eyelids with blue shadow like the Jessicas and figure out what she was really supposed to be doing in the world.”

To protect herself from ever again having to feel the pain of the loss she is currently experiencing, Bird resolves that she must force herself not to care about much of anything moving forward, to adjust her expectations significantly lower and embrace conventionality. The gravity of the disappointment and disillusionment the Challenger disaster has instilled in Bird is so devastating that she feels she needs to restructure her entire outlook to preserve her well-being so that she does not ever have to relieve the dashing of her hopes.