We Are All Made of Molecules

“We’re bringing a lot of stuff with us, but we can’t bring the mosaic stepping-stones my mom made that line the path in the backyard, or the flowers she planted, or her molecules, which I know still float through the air, because why else can I feel her presence all the time?”

For the first time, Stewart articulates his molecule metaphor for the interconnectedness of all life. He takes a corporeal view of spirituality. Rather than seeing his mother as a disembodied spirit, he sees her as physical molecules that permeate his own being.

“What really bugs me, though, is that my family wasn’t always FUBAR. For twelve and a half years it was perfect.”

Ashley recalls her ideal nuclear family before her father announced that he was gay. Externally, it looked perfect. However, Ashley fails to see the emotional discomfort that plagued her father throughout his marriage. Looking good doesn’t equate to feeling good.

“It was like being in my own private horror movie. It was my house, yet it wasn’t my house. It was my life, yet it wasn’t my life. I screamed again. Then I ran upstairs and threw myself on the bed instead, slamming my door behind me.”

Ashley demonstrates her drama queen behavior and tendency to see her life like a movie. From her perspective, her perfect life has been hijacked. She resents others for inconveniencing her without taking their needs into consideration.

“It’s these small differences that have made her such a good best friend over the years. First of all, she thinks I’m awesome. She always agrees with me. And from my perspective, being around her always makes me feel good about myself, because I’m always just a little bit better than her.”

Ashley contemplates her connection to Lauren and expresses her definition of friendship. She expects adulation from her friends and to be superior to them. Such narcissistic gratification has nothing to do with love, loyalty, or true friendship, which Ashley will realize by the end of the novel.

“The stupid beast scratched me! That made me feel really sad for some reason. Maybe because it had happened right after Lauren and my other friends ignored me, but it made me feel like everyone was against me, human and animal. And then that made me start to wonder if maybe I was a teeny bit responsible.”

Ashley locks Stewart out of the house during a rainstorm, and Schrödinger apparently disapproves by scratching her. Ashley’s guilty conscience asserts itself. This is the first time in the story where she questions her own behavior. 

“I’m no dummy. I know that the people directly beneath me on the ladder—meaning people like Lauren—would love to see me lose my footing so they can take my place. Which means I can never appear weak or vulnerable, or people like Lauren will go in for the kill.”

This quote echoes Ashley’s earlier comment about her friendship with Lauren and its superficiality. Ashley wants to be admired, but she has set herself on a precarious perch. Her own behavior must be above reproach, or she risks losing the admiration she seeks and may be toppled by a rival—the very person she defines as her best friend. While she may seem paranoid, her beliefs are proven true when the in-crowd rejects her later in the novel.

“Every time we get rid of something else that Mom loved, I feel like we’re letting a little bit more of her memory die. I feel like we’re betraying her, Dad especially. I want my dad to be able to move on with his life. I want him to be happy with Caroline. But I don’t want him to ever forget or stop loving my mom.”

Stewart clings to physical mementos from his mother’s past to keep her alive in his memory. Inhaling her molecules from an old afghan is a way to preserve her physicality. Stewart will realize that memories of a loved one are preserved in the heart, not through items in a storage locker.

“I imagined we were boyfriend and girlfriend. We would be one of those couples, the kind that would make other people stop and stare because we’d look so fabulous together.”

Ashley makes this comment before she becomes Jared’s girlfriend. Her motivation for wanting to date him is as superficial as all her other decisions: They would look good together. Her superficial values at this point in the novel stand in contrast to the more substantive person she becomes.

“Now, when I look at the album, I sometimes feel like I’m looking at…I don’t know, the life of a Russian spy or something. And my dad is the spy, and the people he works for have given him this whole fake identity, and my mom and I are just unsuspecting dupes who’ve become part of his cover.”

Ashley contemplates an old family album in which the Andersons appear perfectly happy. She analyzes a superficial image for meaning instead of delving into the feelings behind the image. Because she can only process superficial reality, Ashely imputes superficial motives to her father. She believes that she and her mother were merely a front for Phil to keep up appearances.

“It’s not hideous. She knitted it. It’s called an afghan. When she was sick, she used to lie on the couch with it on top of her. So now I go under it once a day and breathe her in for a while. And I just remember her. It’s kind of like I’m collecting a bit of her soul.”

Stewart explains his molecule theory to Ashley. At this stage in his grieving process, he still needs physical proof of his connection to his mother. The molecule theory offers an unexpected benefit. It allows Stewart to easily form connections with new friends at school because everyone is made of the same molecules.

“Sometimes my eye for fashion is a curse, because being at Borden Secondary is a daily assault on my eyes. Monday to Friday I walk through a sea of fashion don’ts. The boys are the worst offenders—most of them just don’t seem to care that they look like total slobs.”

Ashley expresses a viewpoint that is diametrically opposed to Stewart’s. In the preceding quote, Stewart observes the interconnectedness of all life. In this quote, Ashley is busy separating herself from the fashion victims around her.

“He’s got psycho eyes. You know, like he’s kind of dead inside. Like he’s constantly trying to figure out how a normal person would react. Pretty on the outside but hollow on the inside.”

Stewart’s friend observes sociopathic traits in Jared. Those who are outcasts from the popular crowd are easily able to see the truth. In contrast, Ashley and her circle are so blinded by Jared’s superficial attractions that they fail to notice his hollowness.

“So I was crying because I couldn’t help but wish more than anything that she could’ve seen me, wearing a dog costume and doing ‘The Worm’ across the gym floor. It would have filled her with relief to see me acting so normal.”

Ashley expresses her disgust at Stewart’s performance as the basketball team mascot, but he interprets his performance in a positive light. The fans love his antics, and Stewart feels accepted. He wishes his mother could see him because she always worried that he would be ostracized. In this case, the only person treating Stewart that way is Ashley.

“I had to stay where I was and just breathe for a moment. I now knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Jared was not a quality human being.”

Stewart has benefited from Jared’s attention over the course of the novel, just as Ashley has. When he calls Jared out over rude comments about Ashley, Jared shrugs off the rebuke. Stewart sees the sort of person Jared really is. To Stewart, being a quality person matters far more than what that person can do for you.

“The thing is: he’s so perfect in every other way. And usually he is very sweet to me. Maybe I can change the not-so-nice stuff over time. Men change for the better thanks to the love of a good woman all the time in the movies, so why not in real life? I mean, we look so good together!! Like we could be on the cover of a magazine!! Do I really want to throw that all away over one slightly creepy night?”

Ashley’s reflections contrast with the previous quote by Stewart. Like Stewart, Ashley has just seen a less savory side of Jared’s character. Unlike Stewart, she wants to hold onto the status of dating the most handsome boy in school. The social advantages he can confer on her eclipse his attempted rape.

“I didn’t want to mislead them into thinking I was cool with this. I was determined to be a bitch all evening. But then Michael totally ruined my plan by being awesome. What a one hundred percent total jerk.”

Ashley strongly disapproves of her father’s gay boyfriend, Michael. However, Michael is just as interested in fashion as Ashley is. His ties to the fashion industry prove too much of a temptation for Ashley to resist. On the one hand, Michael could expose her father’s secret and embarrass Ashley among her peers. On the other hand, he can offer her steep discounts on high-fashion clothing, and she can’t afford to snub him. In the above quote, Ashley’s humorous voice mitigates some of her unlikability.

“Phil brought out a bag of Christmas-themed fortune cookies that a client had given him […] Mine said, Merry Christmas to you! Your greatest wish will come true. And I thought that my greatest wish already was coming true: we were starting to feel like a family.”

The above quote reflects the difference in Stewart and Ashley’s voices. Stewart is more sentimental and lacks Ashley’s sarcasm. He is delighted at the inclusiveness of his extended family. For her part, Ashley only cooperates because of the promise of fashionable clothing. At this point, she couldn’t care less about inner harmony.

“Stewart, I may not have handled that situation as well as I could have. But I want you to remember: it is never okay to pick on someone who is smaller, or weaker, or more vulnerable than you. If it happens to you, or to someone else, you must always speak up.”

Stewart recalls an incident when his mother threw rocks at a boy who was bullying him. Her words remind him to stand up for Ashley when she is too drunk to protect herself from Jared. While Stewart is still smaller, weaker, and more vulnerable than Jared, he doesn’t let this stop him. He stands up for what is right.

“I could feel Michael’s disappointment in me. Even though he never said it, I was sure he wondered why I hadn’t done more to stand up for my dad. In fact, I was sure that all the adults in my life felt like I’d personally let them down.”

Ashley is helping Michael and Phil remove the anti-gay graffiti from the wall of the laneway house. In this quote, she reveals that her own conscience is beginning to bother her. When the police asked, she didn’t identify Jared as the vandal. She worried more about covering for him than telling the truth. Unlike Stewart, Ashley doesn’t stand up for what is right—yet.

“You call me a nerd, a freakazoid, just because I don’t worry constantly about what other people might think of me, just because I’m smart. If that’s what being a nerd means, then fine. I’d rather be a nerd than a coward.”

Throughout the book, Ashley’s hostile, aggressive behavior is a shield to cover her cowardice. She lives for the good opinion of the in-crowd. Stewart has finally had enough of Ashley’s superior attitude. Typically he doesn’t retaliate when she judges him harshly. Now, it’s his turn to pass judgment.

“I ran behind him and pulled his gym shorts, along with his underwear, down to his ankles. Even without peripheral vision, I got a good view of the look on his face, and it was priceless. For once in his life, he looked vulnerable.”

After Jared trips Stewart in his bulldog costume, Stewart retaliates by pulling down Jared’s underwear. Throughout the book, Jared tries to humiliate others by taking their clothing. He does this to Stewart in the gym showers and later tries to remove Ashley’s underwear to take nude pictures of her. The intent is to render his victims vulnerable and assert his own superiority. Stewart is now giving Jared a taste of his own medicine.

“And that was when I clued in. For Phoebe and Violet, at least, it was their loyalty to Stewart that had made them come sit with me. It was kind of a punch in the gut to realize that my sort-of-stepbrother—who’d only been at Borden for a few months—had better friends than me.”

Ashley has an epiphany. Her own friends have ostracized her because of foolish reasons. Ashley finally realizes that true friends wouldn’t abandon her. Only people as superficial as Ashley would care about such things.

“Then Mom came in and I told her, too, and she actually started to cry. She put her arms around me and held me tight. ‘I’m so proud of you.’ !!! My heart started beating really fast, because if I am one hundred percent totally honest, people don’t say stuff like that to me very often.”

Ashley has just told Caroline about her plan to organize protection squads for Stewart. This is the first time she’s taken a big step that shows her care for others. Ashley has finally begun to emerge from self-absorption.