Ubu Roi

Mama Turd enters the cavern as Papa Turd sleeps, unaware that he is there. In a speech, she narrates her long trip crossing “the whole of Poland in four days” (63). After leaving the palace followed by Buggerlaus and his supporters, she swam across a river and continued being chased until finally making it to the cavern. She wonders what’s happened to Papa Turd and reveals that all the treasure she stole is still back in Warsaw when Papa Turd begins to wake up and Mama Turd realizes he’s there. Taking advantage of the darkness, Mama Turd pretends to be the Archangel Gabriel to “make [Papa Turd] promise to pardon [their] pilferings” (64). Mama Turd asks Papa Turd about herself and Papa Turd responds she is the “vilest of shrews” (65); the two continue to argue about Mama Turd’s virtues, or lack thereof, and after Papa Turd admits that he killed Wenceslaus, his sons, and Bordure, Mama Turd says the only way for “all [Papa Turd’s] sins to be forgiven” is to “forgive Mama Turd for having pilfered a little gold” (66).  

Papa Turd realizes that the voice belongs to Mama Turd and throws the bear on her. The two catch up on their misfortunes while they were separated, admitting they “don’t give a damn” about others’ deaths; Papa Turd adds that Mama Turd is “going to undergo capital punishment” for stealing his treasures (68). As he begins to “lacerate” Mama Turd (68), promising to torture and behead her, a loud noise is heard outside the cave. 

Scene 2 reveals the noise to be Buggerlaus and his soldiers, who enter and begin fighting Papa Turd and Mama Turd. Papa Turd’s supporters then come to the rescue, including Pile and Coccyx, and the group makes it out of the cave and runs away. 

Outside, in the province of Livonia, Mama Turd and Papa Turd realize in Scene 3 that they are no longer being chased, as Buggerlaus “has gone to get himself crowned” (70). Mama Turd proposes that her and Papa Turd leave Poland, as “this is not a peaceful country” (70), and make plans to board the first ship out to France.  

Ubu Roi ends in Scene 4, with Papa Turd, Mama Turd, and all their crew on the bridge of a ship to France. They sit and drink and look forward to their new destination. Papa Turd says he plans to have himself “appointed Master of Phynance at Paris” (72). Though they remark on their love for France, Spain and Germany, Papa Turd admits that however beautiful Germany may be, “it can’t compare with Poland. Because if there weren’t any Poland, there wouldn’t be any Poles!” (73).