There's a Boy in the Girls' Bathroom

The omniscient third-person narrator says Bradley looks like an excellent spitter. The narrator adds that he’s the roughest and oldest student in Mrs. Ebbel’s class. He’s in fifth grade but had to repeat fourth grade, so he’s a year older than the other fifth graders. The all-knowing narrator speculates that Bradley might have to repeat fifth grade too.

Recognizing that Bradley looks like a talented spitter, Jeff gives him a dollar and then runs away. Bradley figures Jeff is too scared to tell Mrs. Ebbel. He watches the kids at recess and then eats lunch alone.

After lunch, Mrs. Ebbel asks Bradley if he gave the note to his mom. She had to give him two notes because Bradley said someone had stolen the first note. Mrs. Ebbel wants his mom to come to Parents’ Conference Day because she wants to talk to discuss Bradley meeting with the school’s new counselor. Bradley lies. First, he says his mom is sick, and then he says she already knows the counselor, and they went bowling together.

Exasperated, Mrs. Ebbel excuses Bradley, and after school, Bradley gives Jeff a dollar—the dollar Jeff gave him—to be his friend. Jeff accepts. He asks Jeff if he’s been to the White House. Jeff says yes, and Bradley says he has as well.

Bradley’s home smells like fish because his mom, Janet, is making fish for dinner. Bradley goes to his room and talks to his collection of little animals. There are about 20 of them—a brass lion he rescued from the trash, an ivory donkey his parents got from a trip to Mexico, two owls (salt and pepper shakers), a glass unicorn with a broken horn, cocker spaniels attached to an ashtray, a kangaroo, an elephant, a fox, a raccoon, and a handful of animals that are unrecognizable due to wear and tear.

The animals are friends, and they like Bradley. Yet Ronnie the Rabbit and Bartholomew the Bear are more than friends—they’re girlfriend and boyfriend. Bradley finds them under the pillow, and the donkey claims he saw them kissing. Ronnie giggles, Bradley feeds them with paper bits, and the animals praise Bradley (their caretaker).

Done eating, Ronnie goes swimming in the pond (a grape juice stain on his blanket), but she gets a cramp, and Bradley warns her about swimming after eating. Ronnie then claims she’s drowning, and Bartholomew announces his intention to rescue her when Bradley’s older sister (by four years), Claudia, barges in and playfully teases him for talking to his animals.

Claudia broke Ronnie’s ear when she accidentally stepped on her. She said it was Bradley’s fault and he shouldn’t leave his animals on the floor. Yet she felt bad and got him Bartholomew the Bear, but Bradley acted like he didn’t want Bartholomew.

Claudia says their mom wants him, so Bradley enters the kitchen and lies to her about school, saying he’s class president and receiving A’s. His mom says Mrs. Ebbel just called about Parents’ Conference Day and asks why Bradley didn’t tell her about it. Bradley screams at her not to go, yelling that it’s unfair and saying she promised.

At dinner, Bradley and Claudia lie about washing their hands and express their contempt for fish. Their dad, a police officer who does desk work (he was shot in the leg while pursuing a thief), tells them to be quiet and eat it. He asks Bradley about the promise his mom made. Bradley claims his mom promised to take him to the zoo tomorrow morning to see the lions fed. His mom doesn’t recall the promise. His dad calls him a liar, asks him if he wants to be a criminal, and then sends him to his room, where Ronnie and Bartholomew comfort him.

As Janet leaves for the conference with Mrs. Ebbel, Bradley warns his mom: Don’t believe a word his teacher says. At school, Janet says her son is good (deep down). Mrs. Ebbel says he probably has several laudable qualities, but she has 28 other students and can’t devote all her energy to getting Bradley to behave.

Mrs. Ebbel thinks Bradley should see the new counselor, Carla Davis, and takes Janet to meet her. Carla has blue eyes and light brown hair and wears blue jeans and a red T-shirt with “Rock ‘n’ Roll” in light blue letters. Carla gives Janet a form to sign and mentions the number of terrible tales she’s heard about her son. Even so, she says she can’t wait to meet him.

At dinner, Bradley’s mom lies to his dad and says the conference with Mrs. Ebbel went fine and that Bradley is excelling in school. Later, Janet enters Bradley’s room and orders him to see the counselor. If he doesn’t go, and if she tells his dad the truth, they may force him to go to military school. Bradley wishes his mom had taken him to the zoo.

The next morning brings rain, and Bradley splashes in the puddles on the way to school. He runs into Jeff, and Bradley thinks Jeff has to like him because of the dollar he gives him. Jeff offers to help Bradley with his homework, but Bradley declines, saying he’s the smartest student in Mrs. Ebbel’s class. Walking closely, they go to her class.

Jeff tries to find the new counselor’s office but can’t because he’s lost. An unnamed teacher gives him complicated directions, and Jeff pushes open a door, and a fifth-grade girl, Colleen, screams, “THERE’S A BOY IN THE GIRLS’ BATHROOM!” (38). Jeff runs away, berating himself for not reading the sign on the door. If he had, he would have known it was the girls’ bathroom, not Carla’s office.

Hearing someone in the hall, Jeff runs in the opposite direction and into a room teeming with boxes. A woman on a yellow ladder introduces herself—she’s Carla Davis, and she’s pleased Jeff has arrived. She thought Jeff might get lost.

Sitting at a round table, Carla asks Jeff how he likes Red Hill School, but Jeff still thinks about the scream from the girl in the bathroom. Carla says it must be scary to be a new student and mentions it’s difficult for her because she’s also new. She suggests that they can help one another by sharing their experiences. Jeff agrees and calls her Miss Davis, but Carla tells him to call her by her first name because they’re friends. She asks him if he has other friends, and Jeff says he “sort of” has a friend, but he doesn’t like this friend, saying nobody likes him, not even the teacher.

Jeff is talking about Bradley, and he mentions the dollar he gave Bradley and the dollar Bradley gave back to him. Carla wonders if friendship is a transaction, and Jeff says it isn’t, so maybe he doesn’t have to be friends with Bradley. Carla isn’t comfortable telling Jeff what to do, but she defines true friendship as talking and exchanging feelings. Jeff says Bradley is different. He thinks it’s good Bradley will see Carla because he needs more help than him.

Before leaving, Jeff asks Carla if she will tell Bradley what they spoke about. Carla says she never divulges what children tell her, not even to teachers or the principal.

For geography, the students make maps of the United States, but Bradley’s map is different—California is above Wisconsin, and he joins Tennessee and Washington.

As it’s still raining, the students eat lunch indoors in the auditorium. Jeff asks where Bradley wants to sit, but Bradley doesn’t answer—he sits down, and then Jeff sits down. Bradley eats a peanut butter sandwich, while Jeff eats a tuna fish sandwich. Bradley announces his hatred for tuna fish sandwiches. Jeff counters: His mom’s tuna fish sandwiches are delicious—there are apples in them. Bradley detests apples.

Nearby, Melinda Birch, Lori Westin, and Colleen Verigold talk, giggle, and point at Jeff. They can’t believe he’s sitting with Bradley. Bradley makes Lori want to vomit.

Bradley asks Jeff about Carla, and Jeff says she’s pleasant and helpful. Bradley says he isn’t going to see her because he doesn’t have any problems. He takes out an apple, and Jeff mentions his hatred of apples. Bradley puts the apple back in his brown lunch bag and lies, saying it wasn’t an apple but a banana.

Lori and Melinda confront Jeff and tell him Colleen thinks he’s cute. They want to know Jeff’s name. Bradley intervenes: Jeff doesn’t have a name. Bradley, Lori, and Melinda trade insults, and Bradley threatens to hit them. Laughing, the girls retreat. They only wanted to know Jeff’s name and why he was in the girls’ bathroom. Bradley thinks it’s cool Jeff was in the girls’ bathroom and says he goes into it to make the girls scream.

Bradley flippantly announces his arrival in Carla’s office. Carla warmly greets him, and Bradley stares at her shirt with its childish squiggles.

Carla holds out her hand, but Bradley doesn’t shake it. He calls her “ugly” and says he meant to go to the library—he’s only here by accident. Carla doesn’t believe in accidents, adding that if someone spills milk, maybe it’s because they hate it. Bradley changes the subject, noting that her office is messy, but Carla likes disorderly spaces.

Bradley says he’s done nothing wrong, and Carla says nobody said he did anything wrong. Bradley wants to know why he must come here. Carla hopes they can be friends. Bradley doesn’t like Carla, but Carla likes him and wants to learn from him.

Bradley teaches her that elephants, despite their size, are afraid of mice. He teaches her about rules—no talking in school, no sticking gum in the water fountains—and Carla says there are no rules in her office. He asks if he can break something, and Carla gives him the go-ahead, but Bradley thinks she’s tricking him. Nonetheless, he claims he can break the table in half, and Carla believes him. He tells her his parents fed him delicious dog food, and the president called him last night, and Bradley asked him why he doesn’t wear a hat like Abraham Lincoln. Carla always wanted to try dog food. She asks about the president’s answer, but Bradley says his response is a secret.

With crayons, Bradley draws a picture of wild scribbles, saying it represents nighttime. Carla wants to hang it on her wall. Bradley says she can have it for a dollar, but Carla only wants it if he wants to share it. Bradley doesn’t want to share it, and he wonders why Carla doesn’t make him give her the drawing. Carla says she can’t make him, so Bradley leaves and throws the picture in the trash.