The Terrible Two

Miles declines the offer, but Niles insists that he reconsider, suggesting that he could teach him some things about pranking. Becoming enraged, Miles rattles off a list of pranks he invented and assures Miles that he needs no training. He becomes increasingly angry, and though Niles tries to interrupt him and deescalate the conflict, Miles declares a prank war. Niles calmly asks Miles to rethink his declaration, but Miles is resolved to defend his skills. As Niles walks away, Josh appears and punches Miles in the stomach, saying that Niles sold him out and revealed where to find him.

On the first day of the prank war, Miles hides in a large plant outside the teacher’s lounge. The students have “Activity Time” (98) between second and third periods, and Miles only has 15 minutes to make his move. Miles removes a homemade flyer from his prank notebook with an illustration that shows a cupcake celebration for the teachers in the cafeteria, which Miles hopes will clear out the teacher’s lounge. Miles even baked the cupcakes himself and added extra egg yolks to keep them moist. He slides the flyer under the door and all but one of the teachers exit swiftly toward the cafeteria. Miles realizes that Coach O. is still in the lounge because he is on a low-carb diet. He quickly creates another flyer with the addendum, “Also there’s BACON!!!” (102). Coach O. leaves the lounge, giving Miles a chance to slide inside unnoticed. He finds the teacher mailboxes, places a white envelope from Niles in Principal Barkin’s slot, and slips out of the lounge.

Coach O. and Coach B. line up the students in gym class to begin their indoor hockey unit. Coach O. chides Coach B. for eating so many cupcakes, but Coach B. says they were dry. Coach O. was disappointed that there was not any bacon at the Thank-A-Teacher event. The coaches explain to the students the rules for indoor hockey, including the most important one, which is to keep the hockey stick low to the ground to avoid hitting anyone in the face. The coaches argue with each other while Niles looks around waiting for Principal Barkin to appear. He waits all morning for a response to the letter, but it has not come. An illustration shows the letter contains a fake confession from Niles that he placed Principal Barkin’s car at the school entrance.

Niles asks Miles if he wants to be his hockey partner and if he has reconsidered the prank partnership. Miles scoffs and says he thinks Niles is secretly fearful of his pranking skills. Niles produces the envelope Miles left in Principal Barkin’s mailbox. He steamed it open and forged Miles’s signature. Miles wonders how he learned his signature, and Niles explains that he learned it from the Third-Week Check-In form Miles filled out and from using a pen he borrowed from him in class. He says, “I can execute spectacular pranks […] And foil underwhelming almost-pranks” (110). Niles explains that the letter is a violation of the Prankster Oath and suggests that Miles join him in the Terrible Two. Miles refuses to believe that he has violated any rules and declares that the prank war is still happening. Niles keeps the forged letter as collateral for later retaliation. Miles says that that would be a violation of the oath, but Niles replies that it would only be a violation if Miles can determine exactly how he got the car on the stairs. The chapter ends with another illustration from the cow facts pamphlet: Dairy cows produce 120 pounds of saliva per day, cows can ascend stairs but not descend them, and cows move in groups called herds (114).

Miles begins planning his next prank knowing that he must outsmart Niles to win. Ms. Shandy assigns the class an oral report and Niles asks if he can create a visual aid. Later at lunch, Holly explains to Miles that Niles makes a diorama for every class project, whether it is assigned or not. He goes way over the top to make the dioramas stand out. Josh approaches the table and tells Holly that she should skip running for class president and run for vice president. When she explains that there is no such position, Josh says he can get his father to change the rules. Holly asserts that she will be running for president, and Josh threatens to assault Miles if she follows through on her promise. Miles is uncertain about Holly’s resolve, but she reminds him that Josh has targeted him anyway, and at least now there is a purpose.

In the weeks leading up to the report’s due date, Miles watches Niles and takes careful notes in his prank notebook. He discovers that Niles wears size seven black wingtip shoes. Miles asks his mother if he can purchase new shoes because the kids at school are making fun of him. Judy worries that Miles is being bullied, but Miles reassures her that he just wants to take more care of his appearance. Miles purchases the same black wingtips in his size nine, uses a marker to change the size of the box to a seven, and creates his diorama. The next day at school, Miles carefully switches his diorama box, which contains a depiction of Principal Barkin in a bubble bath, with Niles’s diorama of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. Niles volunteers to go first, but when he opens the box, it is a perfect diorama of the gardens. A stunned Miles opens his backpack and 2,000 crickets flood into the classroom.

The class descends into a frenzy as crickets swarm everyone, and even Josh is afraid. Stuart stands on his chair and holds up a leaf to attract the crickets away from the students. Ms. Shandy escorts Miles to Principal Barkin’s office. His face purple with anger, Principal Barkin demands to know why Miles released a horde of crickets into the classroom. Thinking quickly on his feet, Miles asserts that he did not intend to release the crickets, but only to use them as his visual aid. Since his presentation was on Egypt, he thought he could illustrate the plague of locusts from the 10 plagues of Egypt using crickets. He admits that the illustration got out of hand, but that he and everyone in the class learned a lot. Principal Barkin feels that something about the story does not add up and he does not trust Miles since he still thinks Miles moved his car. He says, “This, Miles Murphy, is strike two” (132). Miles reminds him that he did not move the car. Principal Barkin dismisses Miles and asks Ms. Shandy to remain, and Miles cannot believe that he is not being punished.

Niles is listening through the door with a glass, and he congratulates Miles for coming up with a quick excuse for the crickets. Miles listens through the glass as Principal Barkin scolds Ms. Shandy for moving the class outside until the crickets clear. Principal Barkin explains, “It’s just that you must know we Barkins are sensitive to even the appearance of an interruption in instruction” (135). Niles praises Miles’s idea for the prank, but Miles wants to know how Niles knew about it. Niles explains that he saw Miles changing shoes earlier in the day and he swapped the diorama boxes when Miles was distracted in class. Miles unknowingly grabbed the crickets when he swapped boxes. Miles becomes angry, but Niles explains that he is only revealing his strategies to help and wishes that Miles would consider joining forces. Miles rebuts by accusing Niles of not being creative and says, “You’ve been playing defense for the last six weeks. If you’re such a great prankster, then bring it” (136). Niles says okay and walks away. The chapter ends with another excerpt from the cow pamphlet: The average cow weighs 1,400 pounds, cows produce more milk when exposed to classical music, and cows can consume 110 pounds of grass each day (138).