The Running Dream

“He sounds like he knows what he’s talking about. But really he’s a self-employed handyman. And I’m not something he can fix.” 

Jessica’s father is by nature a man who wants to solve problems; however, both Mr. Carlisle and Jessica come to the realization that this is a scenario where her father is helpless, unable to fix what has happened to his daughter.

“I feel like I’m living on Rigor Mortis Bend.” 

Jessica compares the final turn of the 400-meter dash—a turn that demands the most discipline and drive from a runner—to her first few days of trying to be mobile in a seemingly impossible situation. Faith and heart are required to beat Rigor Mortis Bend, and at this point in the book, Jessica lacks both qualities. 

“But what am I supposed to say to her? To anyone? Hey, don’t worry, I’m going to be fine, when what I want to say is, Why me? WHY ME?” 

This quote is an accurate portrayal of a young woman who has survived a traumatic accident and who is left wondering why she is suffering in this way. 

“I rest my hand on her shoulder knowing I should be grateful I’m still alive, but somehow I’m not. I know it’s selfish, but I can’t help thinking that Lucy is the lucky one.” 

Despondent, Jessica believes that Lucy Sanders, the teammate who died in the bus accident, is better off dead than Jessica is alive and without a leg. The quote reflects the levels of Jessica’s depression and frustration at this early stage of her recovery.

“Dad fires up the van and tries smiling at me, but his eyes are heavy again and I know he’s thinking what I’m thinking: There’s no such thing as easy. Not anymore.” 

The ride home from the hospital is one that gives the Carlisle family a first sense of how much their lives will have to change to accommodate Jessica. In this private moment, Jessica and her father silently acknowledge that things will only be harder from this point forward.

“My right thigh is burning from holding up my stump as I push one more time. Then I grab the handrail, hoist myself up, and take a final hop. I look down at the run of stairs and feel an overwhelming sense of triumph. I’m upstairs.” 

The first small victory for Jessica is sliding backwards up the staircase in her home. She does this on her own and makes her first move toward reclaiming her mobility.

“I fell off, but the merry-go-round keeps moving. Lucy died, but the merry-go-round keeps moving. Still. As much as thinking this upsets me, I’m starting to see that I need the merry-go-round much more than it needs me, and in the end my choice is to hop back on or get left in the dust.” 

Jessica expresses how overwhelming it is to return to “normality,” a world that has continued turning despite the fact that she lost her leg and Lucy is dead. She understands that she has a decision to make: to reengage with the world or give up altogether.

“Already? WOW! Congratulations! You are SO LUCKY! My eyes sting when I read that, and it makes something in me break. Or connect. Or just change, somehow. I suddenly really get that I am lucky. I’ll never do a fifty-five flat in the 400 again, but I will stand on my own again. This wheelchair won’t be with me every day of my life.” 

Rosa’s reaction to the news about Jessica’s prosthetic prompts Jessica to understand how fortunate she is despite her loss. Unlike Rosa, Jessica will not be permanently confined to a wheelchair. She will be able to walk again on her own, something that Rosa will never have the opportunity to do.

“Keeping it between us is not hard to do. Dad works late and then is gone early. He hasn’t been around much since I came home from the hospital, and now I understand why. I still have to see doctors. I still need to get a leg. Someone has to pay the bills.” 

This quote reflects Jessica’s awareness of her family’s economic sensitivities and strains. Her family has been stretched to the breaking point in order to continue to provide her with the medical care she needs both now and in the future. 

“I tie on my left shoe and gather my crutches, and on the way out I run into Chloe in the hallway. ‘Oh, excuse me!’ she says, and dances out of my way. We smile and say our goodbyes, and as I hobble out to the car on my crutches, I’m filled with a very strange feeling. One I thought I might never feel again. Hope.” 

Chloe inspires in Jessica a sense of possibility: that she may be able to walk so well on her prosthetic that no one realizes she has one. Chloe’s positive attitude and graceful bearing give Jessica a sense of purpose and hope.

“That’s the funny thing about running. The deceptive thing about it. It may seem mindless, but it’s really largely mental. If the mind’s not strong, the body acts weak, even if it’s not. If the mind says it’s too cold or too rainy or too windy to run, the body will be more than happy to agree. If the mind says it would be better to rest or recover or cut practice, the body will be glad to oblige.” 

In this passage, Jessica describes the relationship between the mind and body while running. She dispels the erroneous concept that running is a purely physical exercise and points out that it is more mental than most people realize.

“I’m not really part of the team. Not anymore. My eyes burn as I hurry away. It was a nice fantasy, but that’s all it was.” 

After attending the first track meet since the accident, Jessica feels disconnected from the team. This sentiment is amplified when rival Vanessa Steele accuses Jessica of causing a distraction during her race. When the charges are proven false, she wonders why Jessica is there. Although she is still technically part of the team, her inability to run separates her from connecting with her teammates.

“She gives a thoughtful nod. ‘It’s symbolic.’ I nod too, because I’m sure I know what she means, but then she adds, ‘Because it’s also the starting line.’ For some reason this thought startles me. And I think about all the races where this is true—the 400, the 800, the 1600, all the relays—and it shocks me that I have never looked at it this way.” 

Rosa’s philosophical perspective on the finish line and starting line being one and the same prompts Jessica to think differently about something she has taken for granted throughout her running career. This is a philosophy she learns to apply to her own life from this point onward.

“I wonder what I’ll see when I look back later in life. Looking back now, I see sixteen years of springtime, followed by a deep, sudden freeze. I wonder how long this winter will be for me. I wonder how long I’ll have only glimpses of sunshine. I wonder if it’ll ever be enough to thaw the freeze, or if the ice will just soften for a moment, then harden again.” 

In this quote, Jessica contemplates the uncertainties of life and her personal tragedy to the cyclic pattern of nature. Stuck in the middle of a long, arduous recovery, she naturally wonders if there will ever be a break in her “winter.” 

“Suddenly my voice cuts in. ‘He tells us that life isn’t about what happens to you, it’s about what you do about what happens to you.’” 

This quote, said by Coach Kyro to his team, is repeated by Jessica in the first Channel 7 news special by Marla Sumner. It reflects a certain level of maturity that is now evident in Jessica, a clear indicator of the influence that her development and her friendship with Rosa have had on Jessica’s attitude and mindset.

“I think about all the notes from her that I’ve kept, and I wonder if she knows that she’s helped me with much more than math. It’s nice to think I’ve helped her, too. She will save Eric, and when she does, he’ll see her, not her condition. I wish more people could.” 

Here, Jessica laments that so few people are willing or capable of seeing someone with a disability, like Rosa, for who she is and not fixate on what they see. She knows that after Eric is tutored by Rosa, he will see her and like her for her personality, her kindness, her sweetness, her generous heart. This is what happened when Jessica, Fiona, and Gavin look beyond Rosa and her wheelchair too.

“‘No matter how good the prosthesis is, if the mind isn’t willing, the leg won’t work. With you I know I don’t have to worry about that.’ He grins at me. ‘You’re going to do and be whatever you want.’” 

Hank’s assessment of Jessica in the latter half of the book allows the reader to consider the ways in which Jessica has now come of age. To Hank, Jessica is a strong person who knows what she wants, and he is confident that she will adjust to her new leg and accomplish great things.

“So I am getting used to it, and I am gaining confidence, but I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever race again. It almost doesn’t matter, though. I can run.” 

Adapting to the running prosthetic is not easy, and while the old Jessica might have given up, at this stage, she has learned to place value and gratitude toward the small opportunities in life, as well as the large ones, such as being able to run again. She accepts that she may never race again, but she does have the ability to run.

“Rosa, though, is still the same. And I can see momentum pulling me out of her life. We have different interests, we’re in different years in school […] It wouldn’t be hard for her to fade into my past. But I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want Rosa to be left behind.” 

Jessica’s recovery causes her to consider what could happen to damage her relationship with Rosa. She can see life interfering and Rosa being regulated to the perimeter of her life. Jessica is determined not to let this happen as she never wants Rosa left behind for any reason ever again.

“I laugh and I smile and I look into his eyes and see my little idea blooming inside him. Suddenly I feel stronger. Like maybe this isn’t so crazy. In this moment, anything seems possible.” 

When Jessica shares her River Run idea with Gavin, he never questions either her willingness or her aptitude to accomplish such a challenging goal. Instead, he begins to pitch her ideas and ways to help, including accompanying her on training runs every morning. His unconditional support allows Jessica to believe that she can do anything she puts her mind to.

“As I run, I wonder how many of these people helped buy my leg. I wonder about the deep, wide abyss between good intentions and concrete action, and how many of them leapt across it. Is that why they’re so happy to see me run? Because they helped make it happen?” 

The importance and impact of community is made clear to Jessica when strangers in her town offer her encouragement and support as she trains for the River Run. She wonders how many people were an intricate part of the prosthetic purchase and how many others might simply wish her good will from a sense of kindness.

“That’s all anybody with a disability wants. Don’t sum up theperson based on what you see, or what you don’t understand; get to knowthem.” 

Jessica’s statement is made to Marla Sumner for the second Channel 7 news story that Jessica insisted be centered on Rosa. This quote speaks volumes both to Jessica’s newfound awareness and empathy for others and her own struggles and fears as a person with a disability.

“It’s disturbing how fast weeds take root in my garden of worthiness. They’re so hard to pull. And grow back so easily.” 

Despite her gains, Jessica still fights doubts and insecurities that plague her self-confidence and self-esteem. Here, a jealous Merryl has poisonously stated that Gavin is only interested in Jessica because of the way it will promote his image. Even when reassured otherwise, Jessica must consciously work to eliminate negativity from her thoughts.