The Nurture Assumption: Why Children Turn Out the Way They Do

Harris argues that because child-parent relationships are based in the home, parental lessons in home life are more likely to cultivate lasting behavior in children—since this behavior will not be resocialized by peers. These lessons might include religious, political, musical, or domestic instruction. Harris believes most families don’t function as “groups,” but a collection of individuals who attend their own needs and fit different roles in a family. As such, it is rare for parents to be group “leaders,” but it can happen when they are determined to raise their children a certain way. For example, a father named Donald Thornton encouraged his five daughters to become doctors in spite of their impoverished upbringing, and they ultimately found success in various careers. Furthermore, parents can shape their child’s life by considering who to allow in their peer group: Parents often have complete control over their children’s friends, but this input wanes as a child ages. Harris recommends that parents pay attention to their children’s friends and encourage positive relationships. If their child is being bullied or negatively influenced, parents might consider moving schools or homeschooling, as long as the child can still socialize with peers.

While parental love is important, Harris argues parents cannot raise their children’s self-esteem through praise alone, and that high self-esteem does not always lead to happiness. As for low self-esteem, it often causes lasting changes in personality—which Harris argues are often linked to low status among peers. As such, parents are encouraged to raise their child’s status through presentation (a “normal” name, fashion, etc.). Overall, she advises parents to trust their instincts: They should not be afraid to be authority figures or worry about providing stimulation for infants and children, who are already wired for learning.

Harris interrogates the titular nurture assumption, claiming it has caused parents unnecessary guilt for their children’s failings. Experts who believe the nurture assumption often advise gentle, affectionate parenting, quality time, and praise. To Harris, this has created “phoniness” in family life—which makes “sincere expressions of love meaningless” (332)—and led to poor research. She reiterates siblings raised in the same home are not more alike than children raised in different homes, as children are born with innate differences outside of parental influence. Moreover, studies have shown that birth order does not reliably predict people’s personalities. Harris then lists five flaws with the nurture assumption: Firstly, the nuclear family is an anthropological exception rather than a norm; secondly, children learn to socialize from peers rather than adults; thirdly, children’s behavior is different in different contexts rather than the same; fourthly, genetics play more of a role in children’s development than parents’ decisions; and fifthly, the nurture assumption often ignores the fact that humans’ evolutionary history required them to form groups and regard others as competition.

Harris then restates the main points of her group socialization theory: Socialization encourages children to adopt the norms and values of their peer group. Children are wired to engage with and conform to other children. Historically, most children were socialized in mixed-age and mixed-sex groups; in contemporary America, schools often opt for same-age groups and sometimes groups of the same sex. Children are influenced by peers, and if their peers’ language differs from their home language, children will adopt a second language. Harris boldly claims that a group of children would develop the same way if nothing but their parents changed. She claims one reason why people find the nurture assumption compelling is that people are better able to remember close relationships than largely subconscious processes such as adopting language through socialization. People’s lifelong connection to their parents also encourages them to reflect on their relationship, whereas it’s less likely to stay in touch with childhood friends and classmates. Harris feels this bias is what overemphasizes the role of parenting in child development, and urges the reader to not blame their parents for their troubles.