The Nanny

“I don’t breathe until he’s out of sight, cursing under my breath at my very uncool behavior, acting like I’ve never seen a hot guy before. But then again, I actually haven’t ever lived with a hot guy before. Especially not one who attempts (and fails, but it’s sort of cute) at pancakes and worries about how to connect with his kid. It’s a job, I remind myself. It’s just a job.”

This quote shows Cassie’s inner monologue after meeting Aiden and Sophie in their home for the first time. Much of Cassie’s narration is made up of similar observations, unpacking her rationale in real time as she deals with situations. This quote also highlights one of Cassie’s main problems at the beginning of the novel—being attracted to her employer—and how she attempts to deal with it.

“I have to remind myself once a day of all the things I shouldn’t be noticing about Cassie. Like how pretty her smile is, or how bright her blue eyes seem to appear when she laughs, for example. Ultimately, I’m one hundred percent sure now that she is the best person for the job, and finding her attractive in any capacity only serves to potentially fuck up the good thing we’ve started to find. Sophie is more important than a few wayward thoughts I can never give voice to. Even if they are sometimes louder than I’d like them to be.”

Much like the previous quote, this excerpt shows Aiden’s side of the story and his initial feelings about Cassie. The narration of both characters uses a stream-of-consciousness technique to follow their rapidly changing thoughts and feelings. Here, Aiden shows his struggle to avoid his feelings for Cassie and put Sophie first, much like Cassie tries to do.

“I won’t pretend this doesn’t plunge my thoughts into my own childhood, thoughts rushing back of my parents and their jobs and the financial burden that I was constantly being reminded that I was. I am almost one hundred percent certain that Aiden is nothing like my parents, since he actually seems to enjoy spending time with Sophie and tries to do so every chance he’s able; I pack away my own bias to try to see his side.”

Cassie thinks this when Aiden tells her about being too busy to spend as much time with Sophie as he wants. This is a recurring thought for her throughout the novel as she struggles not to compare Aiden to her parents. This quote is also one of the earlier examples of Cassie showing just how much her parents’ treatment of her still affects her, highlighting the theme of The Effects of Parenting on Children.

“I know I should mind my own business, but it’s hard.

‘Sophie will miss hanging out with you this weekend.’

‘She’ll have a better time with you than she ever would with me,’ he says with an airy sort of laugh.”

This exchange between Cassie and Aiden highlights Cassie’s attempts to make sure that Sophie’s childhood is not like her own by making Aiden aware of Sophie’s feelings. However, Aiden’s quote in this excerpt also emphasizes his own insecurities about being a father. Not only does this show how he fears he cannot be a good father to Sophie, but it also suggests that he fears Sophie doesn’t care about being around him.

“Again there’s that pang in my chest as I’m thrust back into buried memories of putting myself to bed, and it takes everything I have not to let my feelings sway my conversation with Sophie, knowing my bias isn’t fair to her or Aiden. I know Aiden is different from my parents, that his absence is an oversight, not a conscious choice.”

Again, this quote emphasizes how the effects of Cassie’s upbringing carry over into her adult years. Cassie continues to draw distinctions between Aiden and her parents, but knowing Sophie’s feelings about the situation makes her see some similarities.

“And here I am, a year later, still unable to unsubscribe from OnlyFans emails because of some silly fantasy that he will somehow try to find me after all this time, even though it would be nearly impossible even if he wanted to, given that I nuked my account in some pitiful post-breakup-like depressive episode. Which makes no sense, since we were never actually together. He was just some guy I deluded myself into thinking I knew better than I did. Just someone I had never seen and thought I never would see. Which I’m realizing now isn’t the case at all.”

Cassie thinks this moments after discovering that Aiden is A, her former subscriber on OnlyFans. This quote emphasizes her feelings of naivete and her insecurities after A didn’t show up for their meeting. It also shows that Cassie thought she would be able to keep her life on OnlyFans completely separate from her real life, which she learns here isn’t the case.

“I think maybe it had gotten to me, the loneliness that comes from my packed work schedule that made it so hard to meet people. Maybe that’s how I ended up surfing OnlyFans late one night at the suggestion of a coworker. I’d found her profile by complete accident, something about her drawing me in even though she kept her face half-covered by a mask.”

Aiden says this about his initial venture onto OnlyFans. This emphasizes his feelings of loneliness even before the death of Rebecca and highlights the innate connection between him and Cassie before they even know each other.

“Except…she seemed lonely too. She even told me so. More than once. Maybe that’s what made everything seem like more than it was in my head. It was easy to let myself believe that I was special to her, but it was never real. She never had plans to meet me in person. Even if she pretended to. Her disappearing completely was evidence enough of that.”

Much like Cassie’s feelings about A, Aiden comes to actually care for the woman he knows as Cici. Though their relationship started as purely sexual, this quote shows how it later became emotionally intimate. This also continues to show Aiden and Cassie’s shared bond.

“Hadn’t my last experience with caring about a woman out of my reach taught me anything? How much of a disappointment had it been when I let my loneliness drive me to make terrible judgment calls only to be delivered a rude awakening when I had learned none of it had been real?”

Aiden says this about Cici, having no idea that she is actually Cassie. Several similar instances of irony occur between Cassie and Aiden before they know about one another’s online identity. Moments like this emphasize that Cassie and Aiden are meant to be together even without them knowing it, a common trope in romance novels.

“But he has a face now. He tells jokes. He asks about my day. He kisses his daughter’s hair. He ruins pancakes. He listens to me when I tell him my concerns. He worries about how I’m feeling. And sure, he’s so good-looking it kind of hurts to look at him sometimes—but that’s not nearly as important.”

Cassie thinks this shortly after putting together that Aiden is A. Though they had a connection online, Cassie explores why their in-person connection is different and why her feelings for him are so much more complex.

“There have been moments this week where I’ve wondered if it should bother me, the fact that I’m receiving wages from the man I’m sleeping with—but I tell myself that the two things are wholly separate. The fact that we’re making sure to keep our…antics away from Sophie’s eyes means it’s not completely sordid. It’s only a slight differentiation, one that probably doesn’t offer nearly as much justification as I would lead myself to believe—but it’s something, at least.”

At the beginning of their relationship, Cassie is mostly concerned about keeping her online identity a secret from Aiden. Yet this quote also shows her other moral qualms with the relationship and why she ignores them to be with Aiden. In this quote, she also draws parallels to her past relationship with Aiden as she sees the similarity of being paid to be with Aiden regardless.

“You can’t plan your whole future just because of one bad day from the past.”

Wanda tells this to Cassie when she learns about her online past and current relationship with Aiden. Wanda often gives Cassie bits of wisdom like this. This aphorism shows that Cassie is making things worse for herself with her anxieties and not trusting in the fact that Aiden cares for her.

“It’s moments like this that make it so hard to entertain the thought of telling him the truth, this easy routine between us making it even more difficult to try to find some sort of opening to reveal our history. Things have been so perfect, and don’t I deserve a little perfect in my life? It’s been ages since I’ve had any. There has to be some universally accepted perfect-to-shit ratio for everyone.”

Around this time in the novel, Cassie contemplates whether she needs to tell Aiden the truth about their past and why. Despite her continual self-doubt, Cassie starts to think of pleasing herself rather than others as she acknowledges that she deserves to have “a little perfect” in her life.

“And that’s the crux of it all. Aiden is no longer that faceless person who turned me on and whispered to me in the dark. Now, he’s this person who seems like so much more than I deserve, with his nice smile and his pretty eyes and his addictive laugh […] He’s real now, and that means it will be a thousand times harder to get over him.”

This quote highlights Cassie’s heightening anxieties about telling Aiden of her secret identity. Now that she knows Aiden, he is much more real and complex than when she just knew him as A, leading Cassie to worry even more about losing him.

“It’s a joke, and I know that, but apparently that’s all it takes for everything to come crashing back. In all the excitement, I’d completely let myself push aside all my worries from this morning, let myself get wrapped up in Aiden’s touch yet again without coming clean.”

Though Cassie convinces herself on several occasions that she is about to tell Aiden her secret, she often is distracted by Aiden himself. These distractions are often sexual and highlight the large role that sex plays in their relationship, yet emotional conversations and interactions also derail Cassie’s thoughts, leaving her feeling more guilty about keeping the secret.

“I watch her mouth part with surprise, all the pieces clicking together, and I realize none of this had occurred to her before this moment. That she’s actually spent the better part of a year thinking that after everything we said, it had all been transactional after all. That I never cared about her like I made her believe. She’d been so afraid, that even now, even after I can’t seem to go a day without touching her or without being close to her—I’d toss her aside.”

Aiden thinks this after telling Cassie that he wanted to meet her in person the previous year, but Rebecca died the day they had arranged to meet. Cassie’s surprise at learning that Aiden did care for her emphasizes just how unlovable she feels. Though her missed meeting with A did not create this sense of self-doubt in Cassie, it did exaggerate it, leaving Cassie confused when she learns that she misunderstood the situation.

“The guilt I feel is palpable, and I can only imagine that Aiden feels the same, if not worse. His knuckles remained stark white against the steering wheel the entire drive to the hospital, and he doesn’t utter a word the whole way there. I know that we were told that Wanda is stable, and that the worst is behind her, but still. I feel that looming sense of dread at the idea of the first person to really love me lying in the hospital.”

Cassie thinks this when she and Aiden learn that Wanda is at the hospital and Sophie could not reach them. Her guilt highlights her love for both Sophie and Wanda. Her guilt also emphasizes her sense of being a burden, ultimately leading her to abandon Aiden and Sophie.

“I feel my stomach twist with more guilt, hating that I’m the reason he’s being berated right now. Iris is looking at me like I’m something she is trying to scrape off her shoe, and Aiden’s weary expression makes me feel pretty equivalent to that. I can see every bit of ground I’ve gained with Iris blowing away like dust in the wind, every victory circling down the drain.”

Again, Cassie feels like a burden, especially once Iris points out that she is involved in an event that left Sophie alone and scared. As Cassie draws much of her self-worth from the feelings of others, this is an especially rough blow.

“Suddenly every good feeling I’ve had in the last twenty-four hours drains away, leaving nothing but worry and guilt and shame in its wake. I hadn’t considered before this moment what it might mean for Aiden in the long run, the two of us being together—hadn’t even entertained the thought of what people might say about him, for lack of a better expression, fucking his nanny.”

This stream-of-consciousness quote shows Cassie’s feelings in real time as she forgets all the good she has done for Aiden and Sophie and spirals into self-doubt and shame. Though she had been feeling better about herself, here, Cassie reverts to her childhood feelings of being a burden to others.

“They’ll be better off if I do it now, before we get too deep. Before we reach some point that we can’t turn back from. Before Aiden realizes that I was never worth it in the first place. I can’t say whether or not the decision I’ve come to is stupid, but…I know it’s going to hurt like hell.”

Despite Cassie’s happiness with Aiden and Sophie, this quote continues to highlight her feelings of being a burden. Cassie does not consider what Aiden and Sophie would feel if she left and instead lets her actions be motivated by her self-doubt.

“The panic she must have felt leaves me a mess inside, racked with guilt and outright shame for not having been there for her. Especially with how amazing last night was, how happy I was up until the moment I saw all of the missed calls. Things felt fucking perfect up until that part. Now I just feel like shit. There’s an additional guilt on top of everything else for having left Cassie at the hospital, but I hadn’t known what else to do. I’m sure that Cassie understands how much Sophie needed me, how distracted I was by everything going on—but it doesn’t ease the guilt.”

Aiden thinks this about Sophie after taking her home from the hospital. Though his own self-doubt starts to come out in this situation, he is able to tamp it down somewhat, unlike Cassie. His struggles in this quote also highlight his attempts to find a balance in his life and how much his inability to do so affects him.

“I look down in my lap, trying to think of a response. I feel horrible for having spent so much time with Wanda without having any idea about this part of her past; why hadn’t she ever told me about this before now? Maybe if I’d known this story, maybe I’d have been less likely to…No.”

Cassie thinks this after Wanda tells her a story about a past lover. Cassie always thought Wanda was happy with the life she lived and used her as an example for the future she could have if she ended up on her own as she thought she would. Learning more about Wanda begins to change Cassie’s perspective, but Cassie is ultimately too consumed by her own insecurities to consider talking to Aiden.

“I can’t sit here and try to blame someone else for my choices. I’m the one who said those things to Aiden, and I’m the one who made the decision for us both that he was better off without me. I could have talked to him, and we could have tried to find a solution together, but I robbed him of that option when I lied to him and told him I didn’t want him.”

Here, Cassie recognizes the full extent of her decision to leave Aiden and Sophie. Though she thought she was leaving them for their own good, she realizes that she did quite the opposite and was selfish for not considering their thoughts or feelings.