The Innocents Abroad

The travelers tour areas associated with early Christianity, including the tomb of St. Polycarp, and an ancient citadel overlooking the city. Twain climbs the hill of the citadel and finds a vein of oyster shells, mixed with ancient pottery; he engages in mock-learned speculation about how they got there. Finally, Twain reflects on the curiosity of a railway running through this part of Asia. 

The company boards the train and travels to Ephesus, where St. Paul preached and was imprisoned and where many classical heroes visited. The travelers ride donkeys to the city’s ancient amphitheater and see other impressive ruins. Twain digresses into a silly “legend” told in mock-biblical language about a group of early Christian men who fell asleep for two centuries. 

The party has passed from Ephesus to Syria, encamped in the mountains of Lebanon. Twain’s companions have been chipping away bits and pieces of the various monuments as mementos, and a government officer in Ephesus has ordered them to give these fragments back. Twain considers this a wise decision.

The travelers have been excitedly preparing for their visit to the Holy Land, the “grand goal” of the entire journey. Arriving at Beirut, the travelers find dragomen (interpreters) and transportation waiting for them. A young Greek man gives them a tour of Beirut for a small fee in order to practice his English.

The party prepares to travel by pack mule to Baalbek, Damascus, and other biblical localities on their way to Jerusalem. They camp out in luxurious style, almost as if they are at a hotel. 

After a refreshing sleep, the travelers eat an excellent and rich breakfast. Twain describes his horse, Jericho, a spirited and brave animal with a slightly chopped-off tail. The party views the ruins of Baalbek, part of the biblical land of Canaan, which leads Twain to recount the Old Testament story of Joshua’s sweeping victory here. They then visit the traditional site of Noah’s tomb. Twain reflects on the tyrannical government of the Ottoman Empire in the region and wishes that its rule may be destroyed for the good of the people. 

Twain and his companions ride across the valley of Lebanon, a hot and arid place with poor farming. Twain marvels at the primitive and unprogressive ways of the peasants who till the land. They visit the “noble ruin” of Baalbek, then the Temple of the Sun and Temple of Jupiter, both of which look out of place in such mean surroundings. Twain rails against the habit of tourists defacing the ruins by inscribing their names and hometowns upon their walls.

Twain’s company must reach Damascus in two rather than three days so as not to travel on the Sabbath. Twain disapproves of such religious practices that kill the spirit of a law to adhere rigidly to the letter. 

The party makes its way to Damascus past chalk hills in scorching heat. Twain intersperses his narrative with digressions about Mohammed, St. Paul, the extreme antiquity of Damascus, and the anti-Christian prejudices of the Arabs. Reaching Damascus, the party settles into their lodgings, which are an oasis of luxury after their journey in the desert. In Damascus, the travelers visit the reputed houses of Judas and Ananias from the Book of Acts, as well as the Abana and Pharpar rivers mentioned in the Second Book of Kings. 

Twain falls ill with cholera and is laid up for a day. At noon, the party leaves Damascus on the hottest day they have yet seen on the trip. Viewing the scenery and the customs and dress of the people, Twain sees biblical times come to life. When the party’s doctor treats the wretched, diseased, and poor people of the area, Twain recalls Jesus healing the sick 2,000 years ago. The party visits a temple built by Herod the Great and the place where Jesus gave Peter his name and entrusted him with the “keys of heaven.” Twain decries the cruelty and neglect that Arabs show their horses, which he says belies the romantic haze which surrounds Arab culture in the West. 

The travelers are within an hour of the Holy Land, at the pool of Dan which feeds into the river Jordan and the city of Mellahah. They begin to see evidence of richer cultivation in the land. Twain recalls a pair of biblical episodes that occurred here: Joshua’s victorious battle, and the Hebrew woman Jael’s grisly murder of the Canaanite commander Sisera. Twain reflects on the relative smallness of the Holy Land compared with how large it seems in the imagination. 

The company is back in dry, barren, and desolate land, amid shepherds who remind Twain of the shepherds of the Nativity story. One of the pilgrims, Jack, has suffered sunstroke because of trying to prove the literalness of a passage from the Bible about turtles. Twain recalls one of his favorite stories from the Bible, that of Joseph and his treacherous brothers. Twain pronounces Joseph “one of the truly great men of the Old Testament” (377) and defends Esau.

The travelers swim in the Sea of Galilee and eat lunch under a fig tree near Capernaum. Seized by religious fervor, some of them decide to sail on the waters that bore Jesus and the Apostles. However, this plan comes to nothing when the boat fare turns out to be too high. The pilgrims are angry and disappointed at this outcome.

Twain describes Capernaum, now a “shapeless ruin” but formerly a home base for Jesus’s ministry. Twain recaps various episodes from Jesus’s ministry and miracles, reflecting on the smallness of the area covered by him in his travels.

The next stop is Magdala, outside Tiberias, which impresses Twain only for its ugliness and squalor. The pilgrims visit the traditional house of Mary Magdalene and take down tiny fragments from the front wall as a souvenir. Twain recalls some of the history of Tiberias, which Herod Antipas built and named for Tiberius Caesar.

Twain attacks the authors of popular guidebooks for falsifying and romanticizing the Holy Land cities. Yet Twain finds true beauty in the Holy Land at night, when the more unpleasant aspects remain hidden from sight, and historical associations haunt one’s dreams. 

Fearing the possible presence of fierce Christian-hating Bedouins in the area, the pilgrims are assigned an armed guard. The pilgrims then arrive at the battlefield of Hattin, the traditional site of Jesus’s preaching of the Beatitudes and of a notable battle of the Crusades. They pass on to Mount Tabor overlooking the Plain of Esdraelon, “the battlefield of the nations” (403), which saw countless battles from Joshua to Napoleon. Twain finds the view from Tabor comparatively attractive. 

The pilgrims travel two hours along a narrow, crooked trail to Nazareth. They visit the traditional house of the Holy Family, the Virgin Mary’s fountain, and various “grottoes” associated with Jesus, Mary, and Joseph. They then visit various sites associated with Jesus’s adult life and ministry.

Twain doubts that the grottoes are historical, but he admires the Catholic fathers for preserving them as centers of devotion. Twain pours more scorn upon travel writers for exaggerating the beauty of the women and scenery. 

In Nazareth, Twain is impressed by the humbling sense that Jesus lived there 2,000 years ago. Inspired by the romantic travel literature they have been reading, the pilgrims take to brandishing their pistols and knives at imaginary Bedouins; Twain feels more afraid of his own fellow travelers than of the Bedouins.

The travelers leave Nazareth and visit Endor, where the people live in caves and appear savage and degraded. Then they go to Nain, famous for a miracle of Jesus, and trespass upon a mosque. Twain is surprised to observe the Middle Eastern custom of kissing. In Shunem, they find a cool oasis in a lemon grove and eat their lunch. They travel across the Plain of Jezreel, which leads Twain to recount the biblical story of King Ahab and Naboth.

The travelers pass into Samaria, famous for the Woman at the Well and Good Samaritan stories in the New Testament, then visit Shechem, between the mountains of Gerizim and Ebal. 

Shechem is a rich and fertile area, famous for being the residence of Jacob and of the breakaway sect of Jews called the Samaritans. Twain is impressed at the antiquity of the Samaritans and their having maintained their traditions in isolation for thousands of years. He contrasts this deep history with what is considered antique in America.

The party visits the tomb of Joseph the patriarch, then presses on toward Jerusalem over a rocky and barren landscape, passing the tomb of Samuel. Finally, Jerusalem comes in sight. Its small appearance strikes Twain. 

Twain describes his immediate impressions of the city of Jerusalem, a city of 14,000 that seemingly contains every nationality, race, and language. He and his friends go to the Holy Sepulcher and visit the grave of Jesus and other sites associated with the Passion and Crucifixion, as well as sites associated with the Crusades. Twain’s reaction is twofold: skepticism at the promotion of questionable relics and biblical sites, which he terms “claptrap sideshows and unseemly impostures” (444)—and then, genuine pious awe at the importance of the site. 

The pilgrims traverse the Via Dolorosa, the path Jesus walked on the way to his crucifixion, and later see a host of other sites associated with both the Old and New Testaments. Twain describes the various sites along the way and humorously recalls the legend of the Wandering Jew. Twain visits the Mosque of Omar, the holiest site for Muslims after Mecca.

After all this sightseeing, Twain finds himself exhausted and “surfeited with sights” (452). Twain takes comfort in the thought that the more unpleasant parts of their trip will fade with time, leaving only the significant and happy memories. 

Aware that the end of the journey is drawing near, the travelers decide to take a trip to the River Jordan. There are rumors of violent actions by Bedouins in that area. As they ride forward, the travelers put up a brave front by packing their guns and knives, but despite a few false alarms, no Bedouins attack.

In Bethany, the pilgrims see the tomb of Lazarus, travel to Jericho, and then wade across the Jordan River despite its frigid temperature. They then swim in the Dead Sea, which strikes Twain as smaller than he had imagined it.

They ride under an oppressively hot sun to the ruins of Mars Saba and stay overnight at a Catholic convent that kindly and charitable hermits run. They go to the Plain of the Shepherds (famous from the Nativity story) and arrive at Bethlehem, the birthplace of Christ, where Twain touches the very spot where Jesus was born. After staying in Bethlehem for some time, the thoroughly exhausted party returns to Jerusalem. 

The travelers hit some spots they missed, then bid farewell to Jerusalem. Riding through the countryside, they see a Gothic ruin from the Crusades and arrive at Joppa, redolent of such biblical figures as Jonah and Simon the Tanner. Twain comments once again on the dismal, barren nature of much of the landscape in the Holy Land while conceding that some parts of it must be beautiful in spring. 

The company sets sail again on the Quaker City, relieved to be going home. On the way back, they stop in Egypt, where Alexandria strikes them as too European, in contrast to the more Eastern-like Cairo. There they stay at Shepherd’s Hotel, which reminds Twain of a subpar establishment he once stayed at in an American town. He recounts the humorous story of his stay there, including his request for lamps and reading material. 

The company travels by donkey and raft out to see the pyramids. While viewing them, they pay a young Egyptian a dollar to race up and down two of the pyramids. They go inside the Sphynx, which Twain deems “the most majestic creation the hand of man has wrought” (492). Twain is mightily impressed by the land of Egypt, the mother of civilization. 

The company sails for several weeks through the length of the Levant, the Mediterranean, and the Atlantic. They anchor at Cagliari, Sardinia, and Malaga, Spain, but cannot go into either city because of quarantine. However, as they did in Athens, Twain and three others break the quarantine and go to Seville, Cordoba, Cadiz, and the countryside of Andalusia. 

The passengers decide not to go to Lisbon as they would probably be quarantined there. They alight in Bermuda, where they feel more at home in an English-held territory, and then head back to New York. A passenger breaks his ankle tripping on a cabin door—the first injury they have had the whole trip.

Twain relays a newspaper article he wrote about the cruise upon arriving back in New York. It depicts his fellow passengers in a humorous light, especially their endearing American chauvinism. Twain ironically expresses surprise that his passengers have never thanked him for his complimentary portrayal of them.

A year later, Twain reflects upon and sums up the journey. In the intervening time, the memories of the trip have grown increasingly more pleasant, and the less agreeable aspects have faded from memory. He praises the way the trip was handled and the habit of travel itself, as it broadens the mind and destroys prejudice and bigotry. In closing, Twain recalls the best parts of the journey, from Paris to Milan, Rome, Damascus, and the Holy Land.