The Goldfish Boy

“What people didn’t seem to understand was that dirt meant germs and germs meant illness and illness meant death.”

This quotation marks the first moment in the text that Matthew alludes to the root cause of his intense phobia of germs. More than germs and the potential illnesses they may breed, Matthew fears death. This quotation also points to the fact that Matthew feels alone in his fear of germs, given that it is legitimate to him yet something most other people do not “seem to understand.”

“I’d been washing my hands. That’s what I’d been doing. They were never clean enough, so I had to keep going back to try and get the germs off.”

Matthew recalls when his best friend, Tom, began noticing his peculiar behavior at school. Fearing the germs that he may have contracted throughout the school day, Matthew begins washing his hands periodically, several times an hour, to combat potential germs. This quote indicates that Matthew’s fear of germs is greater than his fear of looking strange to his classmates.

“That was my secret box that I keep under the bed. Not a dusty old box of treasure but a box of one hundred disposable latex gloves, which now held thirty-two. A secret agreement between me and my mum: She’d supply me with gloves, and I would stop burning my skin with bleach.”

Having mentioned it once in the text before, Matthew finally reveals the contents of the mysterious box he keeps hidden under his bed. The extent of his fear of germs is made abundantly clear here, as well as his mother’s willingness to cater to his obsessive compulsions. The fact that the box is “secret” and kept hidden symbolizes the stigma of Matthew’s phobias and the secret trauma he is trying to repress.

“One speck of dirt can quickly escalate to a whole infection, nobody realizes that. These things have a domino effect, and if I’m not careful I could be cleaning all day.”

This quote reveals the extent to which Matthew is paranoid about germs. To Matthew, even the tiniest particle of dirt has the power to cause great anxiety. It also reveals the cyclical nature of his obsessive thinking: To reduce his anxiety, he must keep cleaning, but doing so only feeds and exacerbates his anxiety.

“The guilt of what I’d done lived inside me like a vicious black beetle, scuttling around in my stomach.”

At this point in the novel, Matthew has repeatedly alluded to his belief that he is to blame for the death of his brother, Callum. This quote and the beetle motif function to illustrate the depth and long-lasting impact of this guilt. Even five years after Callum’s death, the guilt of surviving his brother eats away at him like a parasite.

“It might sound strange, but I miss the brother I never met. The one who died because of me.”

Matthew expresses the grief he continues to endure five years after the death of his baby brother. He grieves over the fact that they never met as well as his belief that he was personally responsible for those circumstances.

“I was weird; the less I did, the more tired I felt.”

Deep into an obsessive cleaning routine and germ-related hypervigilance that has gone on for weeks now, Matthew is beginning to experience the way anxiety can result in mental and physical fatigue. With all of his attention given to avoiding germs at all costs, Matthew does not have the mental or physical energy to function at a normal level, especially for a child his age.

“But they didn’t know the neighborhood like I did. They didn’t see the things I saw.”

Matthew considers why he may be a particularly useful investigator in the Teddy Dawson case. Because Matthew’s fear of contracting illness via germs keeps him confined in his house, he is used to observing life around him through his bedroom window. His habit of watching his neighbors go about their daily lives—as well as his natural inclination to discern small details—renders him a keen observer and therefore a helpful informant in the Teddy Dawson case.

“I washed my hands over and over until my eyes streamed from the pain.”

This quote illustrates one of Matthew’s daily compulsions: excessive handwashing. Matthew washes his hands thoroughly and frequently, to combat germs and reduce germ-related anxiety. However, his handwashing is so rigorous that it causes him physical pain. While he knows his excessive handwashing is abnormal and detrimental to his mental wellbeing, he struggles to resist giving into the compulsion.

“If I had access to that kind of clothing, I’d be fine. Cocooned in a protective layer—it looked perfect to me.”

When the investigators come to Matthew’s neighborhood to investigate the case of a missing child, Matthew takes note of their protective gear. He envies their ability to shield themselves from germs and yearns for that sort of all-encompassing protection for himself. Instead, he must protect himself via excessive cleaning and washing.

“The ‘obsessive’ part refers to what is at the forefront of your mind for a lot of your day. For you, that’s germs and illness. With OCD, an obsession can cause a huge amount of distress and really have an impact on your daily life—stopping you from going to school, for example.”

Matthew’s therapist explains the fundamentals of obsessive-compulsive disorder. It is the first time Matthew is receiving information from a professional about his mental illness. In receiving this information Matthew also receives indirect confirmation that he is not alone in his struggles with OCD, as it affects many people of all ages.

“Apparently, I believed that my actions and thoughts were able to ‘magically’ prevent some catastrophic illness from hurting me or my family, even though I knew deep, deep down that all my actions were completely ridiculous and this way of thinking didn’t really have any power at all.”

Matthew learns about the concept of “magical thinking. “ It is the first time that he is able to define and recognize his OCD and how it informs his behavior and thinking.

“And if I got ill then Mum would get ill and then Dad and then…and then whatever happened next would be all my fault. All because I hadn’t washed in time.”

Matthew explains the origins of his fear of germs. He avoids germs at all costs to avoid illness, and in turn, potentially harming those around him. This fear is deep-seated and stems from Matthew’s belief that he is to blame for his brother’s death. Thus, Matthew must painstakingly clean and wash himself to avoid being responsible for harming more of his loved ones.

“It was all because of me, Mum. The baby you wanted so badly died because of me.”

Matthew continues to convince himself that he is personally responsible for Callum’s death. In this moment, Matthew desperately wants to be able to speak honestly with his mother, and to apologize for supposedly having a hand in Callum’s death. The guilt he feels, and the resulting mental illness keeps him isolated—both physically and emotionally—and makes it incredibly difficult for him to maintain an open and honest relationship with his mother.

“Unable to stop, I washed my hands twenty-seven times. I heard the TV switch off downstairs and hurried to bed before Mum or Dad could see me.”

Matthew is aware that this excessive washing and cleaning is abnormal, but that realization is not enough to keep him from giving into his compulsions. This quote also illustrates the shame Matthew feels about his washing and cleaning habits, as he does not want to get caught in the act of excessively washing or cleaning by his parents.

“Standing on the bed, I began to wipe at the wall with a cloth soaked in antibacterial spray.”

Following an interrogation with the local police, Matthew retreats to his bedroom. After the questioning—during which police officers accused Matthew of standing by idle while Teddy nearly drowned before his eyes outside—Matthew feels extremely anxious and guilty (not unlike the guilt he feels about Callum’s death, another baby boy). To combat these feelings, he performs his most abnormal compulsion yet: sanitizing his walls. That he feels the need to clean the walls suggests that he feels emotionally walled in, and suggests a desire to absolve himself of those feelings of guilt and blameworthiness.

“My knuckles were cracked and bleeding from my constant washing; the blood had freaked me out, so I cleaned them over and over, but then they just bled even more. Around and around I spun, back on my stupid wheel.”

Matthew points out the cyclical nature of his giving into his compulsions. He knows that his excessive cleaning and washing efforts are ultimately futile, but he does not have the physical or mental capacity to stop himself from performing these compulsions. The realization that giving in only makes it worse only heightens Matthew’s anxiety, as well as feelings of shame and worthlessness.

“I had the Wallpaper Lion’s eye in my pocket, but suddenly I felt very, very alone.”

Until this moment, Matthew’s Wallpaper Lion has been a comforting and faithful companion. After telling his parents he does not wish to continue therapy, his mother tells him he is singlehandedly pulling the family apart. In this moment Matthew feels completely isolated not only from his family, but also from his one confidant, Wallpaper Lion, who he keeps in his pocket for strength. This moment suggests that Matthew’s coping mechanisms—such as keeping Wallpaper Lion close—are proving to be less and less effective as his mental illness grows worse.

“The little black beetle was back, gnawing away at my insides. Punishing me for what happened to Callum.”

In the hours following a fight with his parents about therapy, Matthew feels a familiar tinge of guilt. The disagreement with his parents and the upset it caused them makes Matthew remember the pain that Callum’s death caused them, too—a pain that Matthew feels personally responsible for.

“If I don’t keep cleaning then I’ll get sick and then someone around me could die. Because of me.”

This moment marks the first time that Matthew is open about the origins of his fear of germs with another person. He explains to his therapist that he is deeply afraid of getting sick because he is afraid of possibly infecting others, and therefore, possibly having a hand in their death. This admission is the first step in Matthew’s journey toward healing and letting go of his past.

“It was as though that section had its own wiring and was just making up what it wanted to torment me.”

Matthew’s therapist gently explains that Callum’s death was not his fault and had nothing to do with his having chicken pox while his mother was pregnant. While Matthew understands that logically her reasoning makes sense, the trauma of Callum’s death and his deep-seated belief that he is to blame for it is hard to let go after so many years of guilt and grief.

“She talked about how the only way I could overcome my fears was to confront them head-on and put myself into situations where I felt most uncomfortable. I had to do the opposite of what my mind was telling me. Then I would be retraining my brain to understand that the things I was so frightened of weren’t so scary after all.”

Matthew’s therapist assures him that he can heal from his past trauma and challenge and overcome his OCD, but only if he is willing to put in the effort. While Matthew is terrified by the idea of facing his fears, her thoughtful and informative tone help him to realize that recovery is very much attainable.

“I want to go downstairs and rejoin the living.”

By the end of the novel, Matthew has made significant progress in healing from his trauma and treating his mental illness. By the final chapters, Matthew is no longer content to watch the world from his bedroom window; instead, he begins to make concerted efforts to participate in it instead.