The Girl I Used to Be

At the church, Olivia helps Nora inside. There are pictures of her father everywhere on easels, none of which she’s seen before. Nora asks her to stay until after the service to give her a ride home and Olivia agrees, both to be helpful and to have an excuse to stay. She overhears friends of her parents tell fond, nostalgic stories about them. As Olivia looks at the photos, a boy around her age (Duncan) comes to stand next to her. Olivia overhears someone comment on one of the guests, Sam, a woman who was dating Terry before Naomi and who, according to the other guests, was trying to get him back before the murders. When the service starts, Olivia removes a photo of her with her parents on Halloween and slips it into her pocket.

The service begins. Olivia observes the other attendees: the dark-haired boy, a man who appears to be experiencing homelessness, the ex-girlfriend they called Sam, and a purple-haired girl with piercings who was criticized for her appearance earlier. After the reverend opens the service, a number of Terry’s friends and family speak about his character and loss. Olivia watches the group and wonders if one of them is the person who killed her parents.

As the others speak, Olivia realizes how painful the lack of love in her life was: “For years, I’ve felt so alone. Abandoned by everyone” (39). In the presence of this community, she realizes that these are the people who would fill the empty space in her. Terry’s sister, Carly, takes the microphone and says that she’s sent a letter to Ariel’s old caseworker but hasn’t heard back yet. Olivia thinks about all of the pain in this room, all of the hurt caused by the killer. The reverend ends the ceremony with a prayer that asks God to teach them all forgiveness; Olivia thinks that she is not going to forgive but that she is going to find the murderer.

At the reception afterwards, Olivia considers the crowd and wonders who might know the truth. The boy from earlier, Duncan, approaches her with a plate of food. She explains that she is there because she’s Nora’s ride. Duncan explains that he is there representing his family; his father was Terry’s neighbor and friend. He says that he used to play with Ariel when they were young children. Olivia is surprised by a vivid memory of making mud houses with Duncan. She starts to wonder if her cover story of being a potential renter could actually be a good idea. If she were to rent the house, most of the money would be paid back to her through the rental company, minus the management company’s fee, and she could be closer to the investigation.

Nora approaches Olivia and Duncan. Duncan asks where Olivia is from; she lies and says Seattle, then has to make up answers when he asks more specific questions. Nora asks if Olivia is ready to leave, which prompts Duncan to say he’ll come visit Olivia next time he’s at Nora’s. This gives Olivia “a little thrill” (47). As Olivia enters the bathroom, she passes Sam exiting and looking like she’s been crying. From her stall, Olivia hears the purple-haired girl (Lauren) and her mother arguing about her appearance. Olivia tells Lauren that she likes her hair. Lauren responds by saying, “You know moms. They’re never happy” (49). Olivia, of course, does not know moms.

Olivia takes Nora home. On the way, Nora asks about Duncan. Olivia says she just met him and doesn’t know him, but Nora seems to believe that there’s an attraction between them. She tries to call the rental company about the house, but they are not open on the weekend. Nora says that Olivia should stay with her; Olivia demurs, claiming that she can stay at a motel. When Nora insists, Olivia agrees. Walking into the house spurs more memories. Olivia asks Nora what she thinks happened to Terry and Naomi; Nora admits that she doesn’t think it was a stranger.