The Art of Gathering

Parker resists the notion that once an event has been planned and commenced, it can run on autopilot. Instead, she insists that hosts must see themselves as responsible for creating an open atmosphere that focuses on guests. She offers an innovative “15 Ways to Make a Conference—Or any Kind of Gathering—Suck Less,” which in actuality is one distinct method called 15 Toasts, named after the number of participants the first time Parker utilized the technique (193).

She chastises events like the World Economic Forum which she claims are filled with “show-off sessions” that are “superficially intellectual” (194). Parker herself was chosen to co-create a WEF planning conclave in the United Arab Emirates; surrounded by an illustrious, international group of executives, activists, journalists, and other professionals, she set out to rein in everyone’s ego. Instead of standard business introductions, she invited people to give a personalized toast on the theme of “a good life” (196). To encourage engagement, she instituted the lighthearted pop-up rule that the final participant would have to sing their toast. She notes that the spontaneous spirit of the 15 Toasts made people comfortable enough to share intimate and even vulnerable stories—including Parker herself, who told the story of getting her first period.

The benefit of sharing via the 15 Toasts method, Parker explains, is that it gives guests a chance for equal attention rather than having the gathering become dominated by any one guest or host. As demonstrated by the WEF event, the method also encourages attendees to open up and be authentic rather than rehearse predictable, well-prepared information; she seeks “sprout speeches” instead of stump speeches (202). Parker describes how she has utilized 15 Toasts at gatherings of all sizes and types, including those where attendees already know each other.

At a House of Genius event, for instance, the 15 Toasts method was adapted by asking each guest entrepreneur to present a problem related to a project they were working on, which then opened up free-form discussions of how to address the issue. By sidestepping the standard format of having each entrepreneur pitch their product or service, the spirit of the event was centered on collaboratively creating solutions rather than being self-serving. Parker notes that the growth of storytelling events like The Moth demonstrates that “[m]any gatherings would be improved if people were simply asked for their stories” (210) because this practice encourages humility, openness, and authenticity.

Stories do not have to be relentlessly positive, either, Parker acknowledges. She cites former lawyer-turned-dominatrix Stefanie Zoe Warncke, who describes how clients reveal their deepest selves to her. Parker notes, “Darkness is better inside the tent than outside of it. We all have it. It’s going to be at your gathering” (215). And if gatherings are meant to be purposeful and meaningful, then dark stories ought to be welcome. Yet encouraging openness, vulnerability, and even darkness—whether among strangers or friends—also shows how imperative it is that hosts steer gatherings. No guest should be forced to share a deeply personal story, for instance, and a host should be prepared to tactfully guide a gathering back to more comfortable territory if need be. Hosts should at the same time be fully involved in any activities and willing to share themselves as well (as Parker did when telling her period story).