The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens

“And think of the teen who believes she can’t get along with her stepdad. If that is her paradigm, is she likely to ever get along with him? Probably not, because that belief will hold her back from really trying.” 

This statement exemplifies the power of paradigms to define our world, our thoughts, and our actions. If we see someone as the enemy, we will actively look for evidence to support these paradigms, and we will ignore any signs that may contradict those beliefs. Thus, beliefs become self-fulfilling. Covey urges an openness in our thoughts so we do not doom our relationships with others.

“It takes faith to live by principles, especially when you see people close to you get ahead in life by lying, cheating, indulging, manipulating, and serving only themselves. What you don’t see, however, is that breaking principles always catches up to them in the end.” 

Following the seven habits is hard and requires patience. There are no quick fixes to achieve success, so seeing others who rely on lying and cheating to succeed is frustrating. Covey reminds his readers that those who try to shortcut the system can never win in the long run. By centering life around lies instead of principles, they create corrupt centers that will eventually crumble when put to the test.

“This is what this book is all about. Changing from the inside out, starting with the man or woman in the mirror. This chapter (‘The Personal Bank Account’) and the ones that follow on Habits 1, 2, and 3 deal with you and your character, or the private victory. The next four chapters, ‘The Relationship Bank Account,’ and Habits 4, 5, and 6 deal with relationships, or the public victory.” 

This passage lays out the structure of the book. The first three habits focus on creating independence and building a strong can-do attitude towards one’s life. The second half of the book focuses on moving beyond the self to focus on interactions with others. While the “private victory” is essential for the “public victory,” in the end, Covey says that the public victory is where we will reach our full potential because by working with others, we can achieve more.

“If you’re feeling out of control in life, focus on the single thing you can control—you. Make a promise to yourself and keep it. Start with small $5 commitments that you know you can complete, like not drinking soda pop today. After you’ve built up some self-trust, you can then go for the more difficult $100 deposits—like deciding to break up with an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend or making up your mind to overcome an addiction.” 

Covey knows that the habits can be daunting, especially for a teenager, but he provides strategies to make them approachable. By starting with baby steps, we can move on to the larger steps. Starting small allows us to build the confidence we need to tackle the bigger projects in our lives.

“Each day you and I get about 100 chances to choose whether to be proactive or reactive. In any given day, the weather is bad, you get a mean text, you can’t find a job, your sister steals your hoodie, you lose an election at school, your friend talks behind your back, someone graffities your locker, your parents don’t let you take the car (for no reason), you get a parking ticket, and you flunk a test. So what’re you going to do about it? Are you in the habit of reacting to these kinds of everyday things, or are you proactive? The choice is yours. It really is. You don’t have to respond the way everyone else does, or the way people think you should.” 

We have opportunities to put these habits into practice multiple times a day. We also have multiple opportunities a day to reject these habits. We have the choice, and Covey urges us to be proactive as much as possible even when we see others blowing up around us in reactive ways. We must work hard not to follow their explosive examples but instead to focus on our abilities to think and act proactively.

“I like how Helen Keller put it, ‘So much has been given to me. I have no time to ponder that which has been denied.’” 

Covey realizes the great adversity that many of his young readers face, ranging from dysfunctional families to addictions to abuse. He never tries to minimize that hardship. At the same time, he encourages his readers by reminding them that they still have great power to control their future. He doesn’t want them to lose sight of that power. Even when many things are out of one’s control, there is still much within one’s control.

“Why’s it so important to have an end in mind? I’ll give you two good reasons. The first is that you’re at a critical crossroads in life, and the paths you choose now can affect you forever. The second is that if you don’t decide your own future, someone else’ll do it for you.” 

Covey reminds us that if we choose not to take responsibility for our lives, others will step in and do the job for us. If we choose not to take the driver’s seat, others will take the seat and drive for us. Covey urges us to look down the road. The choices we make today impact where we will be in the future. Failing to look down the road has consequences. 

“So if it’s so important to have an end in mind, how do you do it? The best way I’ve found is to write a personal mission statement. A personal mission statement is like a personal credo or motto that states what your life is about. It is like the blueprint to your life.” 

Some may be tempted to skip the step of writing a personal mission statement because they find it time-consuming, and perhaps they already feel they have a strong sense of their mission in life. However, taking the time to go through the brainstorm Covey provides (with activities like “List 10 things you love to do,” “Describe a time when you were deeply inspired,” and “Think of a person who made a positive difference in your life) allows the reader to rediscover aspects about themselves that may allow for more thoughtful goals.

“Meet the Prioritizer. Although she’s by no means perfect, she’s basically got it together. She takes a look at everything she has to do and then prioritizes, making sure her first things get done first and her last things last. Because she has the simple but powerful habit of planning ahead, she’s usually on top of things. By doing her homework on time and writing papers a little in advance, she does her best work and avoids the stress and burnout that come from cramming. She makes time to exercise and renew herself, even if it means pushing aside other things once in a while. The people who matter most in her life, like her friends and her family, come first. Although it’s a struggle, staying balanced is important to her.” 

Time management is a struggle not just for teens, but for everyone.

There are many demands on our time. The key to success is to evaluate each demand and decide on its importance and urgency. Only then will we be able to prioritize and stay on top of our schedules.

“Your comfort zone represents things you’re familiar with, your regular haunts, friends you’re at ease with, activities you loved doing. Your comfort zone’s risk free. It’s easy. It doesn’t cause you to stretch. Within these boundaries we feel safe and secure. On the other hand, things like making new friends, speaking before a large audience, or sticking up for your values can totally freak you out. Welcome to the courage zone! Adventure, risk, and challenge included! Everything that makes us feel challenged (aka uncomfortable) is found here. In this territory waits uncertainty, pressure, change, the possibility of failure. But it’s also the place to go for opportunity and the only place in which you’ll ever reach your full potential. You’ll never reach it by hanging out in your comfort zone. That’s for sure.” 

It’s normal to want to be comfortable. The danger is that if we only do what feels comfortable, we will never find out what we are capable of. We must stretch ourselves and move into the “courage zone” so we can find our potential. The comfort zone will always be there, and it’s a place we can return to, where we can recharge our batteries and renew ourselves. However, we must make sure we are not so comfortable that we become trapped there.

“The Private Victory will help you become independent so that you can say, ‘I am responsible for myself and I can create my own destiny.’ This is a huge accomplishment. The Public Victory will help you become interdependent, that is, help you learn to work cooperatively with others, so that you can say, ‘I am a team player, and I have the power to influence and inspire people.’ That is an even greater accomplishment. The long and the short of it is, your ability to get along with others will largely determine how successful you are in your career and your level of personal happiness.” 

While it is a major accomplishment to gain mastery over one’s life, that is only half the battle. Covey wants us to see that we can exert great power with others as well. While we cannot control how others feel and act, we can shift the dynamics of our relationships. By thinking in terms of Habit 4 (Win-Win), Habit 5 (Listening Before Speaking), and Habit 6 (Synergize), we can build positive, mutually beneficial relationships, which are necessary, especially as one becomes an adult and enters college and the workforce.

“One of the biggest RBA deposits you can make is to be loyal to other people, not only when they’re around but more especially when they aren’t around, when they’re not present.” 

Covey urges us to resist the temptation to gossip. It can be tempting to feel close to another as you confide your insults about another person, or it may feel anonymous if you post something hurtful about someone online. Covey points out that such gossip backfires, as people learn you can’t be trusted. Instead, Covey urges us to create loyalty habits. Like any other habit, loyalty will get easier with time. 

“Saying you’re sorry when you yell, overreact, or make a stupid mistake can quickly restore an overdrawn bank account. But it takes guts to go to a friend and say, ‘Look I was wrong,’ ‘I apologize,’ or ‘I’m sorry.’ It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.” 

Covey recognizes how hard it is to say you’re sorry. It’s hard to admit when we are in the wrong—it’s much easier to blame someone else, especially our parents—but he urges us to try. He promises that we will be surprised at how good we feel as well as how good we make the person we are apologizing to feel. He also points out that apologies have the power to disarm because people do not need to raise the sword in defense when an olive branch is being offered.

“Win-Lose is an attitude toward life that says the pie of success is only so big, and if you get a piece there is less for me. So I’m going to make sure I get my slice first or that I get a bigger piece than you. Win-Lose is competitive. I call it the totem pole syndrome.” 

Our culture is competitive, so it’s no surprise that people are brought up with a competitive mindset. This mindset results in the belief that to be successful, others must lose because there are only limited resources available. Shifting from “Win-Lose” to “Win-Win” is a powerful paradigm shift since it makes us rethink how we see the world. Rather than seeing a harsh, survivalist landscape, we can see the world as abounding in opportunity when we work together.

“Win-Win is a belief that everyone can win. It’s both nice and tough all at once. I won’t step on you, but won’t be your doormat, either. You care about other people and you want them to succeed. But you also care about yourself, and you want to succeed as well. Win-Win is abundant. It is the belief that there’s plenty of success to go around. It’s not either you or me. It’s both of us. It’s not a matter of who gets the biggest piece of pie. There’s more than enough food for everyone. It’s an all-you-can-eat buffet.” 

In encouraging us to think “Win-Win,” Covey also reminds us not to be doormats (“Lose-Lose”). The idea is not to put the needs of others in front of ours but to put our needs together and seek ways to help all succeed.

“It’s our tendency to want to swoop out of the sky like Superman and solve everyone’s problems before we even understand what the problem is. We simply don’t listen. As the American Indian proverb goes, ‘Listen, or thy tongue will make thee deaf.’

The key to communication and having power and influence with people can be summed up in one sentence: Seek first to understand, then to be understood. In other words, listen first, talk second. This is Habit 5, and it works. If you can learn this simple habit—to see things from another’s point of view before sharing your own—a whole new world of understanding will be opened up to you.” 

 It’s hard not to give advice, and if we have mastered the first three habits, we might feel the desire to pass on what we have learned. However, we must resist this desire to impose our ideas. The key to communication is making sure you are genuinely listening to the other person. It may be hard, especially if you feel the person has very different paradigms from you, but listening to the speaker and withholding judgment and advice is the key to effective communication. 

“To hear what other people are saying, you also need to listen to what they’re not saying. No matter how hard people may appear on the surface, most everyone is tender inside and has a desperate need to be understood.” 

Not only do we need to attend to what people say, but we have to bring all of our listening attention to hear the subtext of their words. There is a lot of underlying emotion and feelings that may be left out of the spoken words, but it is crucial we “hear” these unsaid words and also for the speaker to feel that we truly are hearing them.

“They have pressures, too, you know? While you’re worrying about your friends and your upcoming history test, they’re worrying about their bosses and how they’re going to pay for your braces. Like you, they have days when they get offended at work and go in the restroom to cry. They have days when they don’t know how they’re going to pay the bills. Your mom may have too much work stress to just sit down and relax at night. Your dad may get laughed at by the neighbors because of the car he drives. They may have unfulfilled dreams they’ve had to sacrifice so that you can reach yours. Hey, parents are people, too. They laugh, they cry, they get their feelings hurt, and they don’t always have their act together, just like me and you.” 

Running throughout Covey’s book is a desire to help teenagers in their relationships with their parents. Covey recognizes the primacy of relationships between teens and their parents. While Covey sympathizes with the plight of teenagers, he also has insights into the minds of parents. He wants to give his readers renewed appreciation for their parents and their struggles.

“Celebrators value differences. They see them as an advantage, not a weakness. They’ve learned that two people who think differently can achieve more than two people who think alike. They realize that celebrating differences doesn’t mean that you necessarily agree with those differences, such as being a Democrat or a Republican, only that you value them. In their eyes, Diversity = Creative Sparks = Opportunity.” 

While political media may relish the sharp differences of those with different politics, Covey injects optimism, pointing out all the advantages of difference. He also points out the universality of difference. You will never find someone who thinks exactly as you do, and that’s a good thing. We need people with different ideas in our lives so we can benefit from the synergy possible with them. 

“If you follow the basics of the above formula, you’ll be amazed at what can happen. But it takes a lot of maturity to get to synergy. You have to be willing to listen to the other point of view. You then need to have the courage to express your point of view. Finally, you’ve got to let your creative juices flow.” 

Synergy gives the most tangible results of the seven habits. It can provide bold new solutions to difficult problems. However, to get to synergy, you need to master the seven habits. You must be able to value what others say, as well as have confidence and value your own opinions. Brainstorming requires confidence to say anything without fear of being judged. It’s hard work, but the results can be significant.

“Why is balance so important? It’s because how you do in one dimension of life will affect the other three. Think about it: if one of your car’s tires is out of balance, all four will wear unevenly It’s hard to be friendly (heart), when you’re exhausted (body). It also works the other way. When you’re feeling motivated and in tune with yourself (soul), it’s easier to focus on work (mind) and to be friendlier (heart).”

Covey’s metaphor of the car tires helps illustrate the need for balance. Some students may be tempted to focus solely on the mind, while maybe some athletes will want to focus on the body. Covey shows that our multi-faceted self cannot be constrained by narrow understandings of the self. To operate at our maximum potential, we must make sure to nourish our bodies, brains, minds, and souls.

“But be careful. In your quest for a better physique, make sure you don’t get too obsessed with your appearance. As you’ve probably noticed our society is hung up on ‘looks.’ To prove my point just look at how celebrities are viewed in the public eye: gossip tabloids praise their beauty and then criticize their every flaw and bit of cellulite. By comparison, it can really make a person feel self-conscious about his or her appearance!” 

In Covey’s discussion of the body, he warns us about placing too much emphasis on society’s idea of a perfect body and perfect looks. He discusses the falsity of magazine covers that airbrush imperfections from their models’ faces. Such body fixations can even result in destructive eating disorders.

“Perhaps the worst thing about picking up an addiction is this: You’re no longer in control—your addiction is. When it says jump, you jump.” 

Addictions create behaviors that are entirely opposed to the seven habits. While the seven habits emphasize taking control over your life, addictions make you lose control and become submissive to your addiction.