Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda

“I don’t even know when I figured it out. It was a bunch of little things. Like this weird dream I had once about Daniel Radcliffe. Or how I was obsessed with Passion Pit in middle school, and then I realized it wasn’t really about the music. And then, in eighth grade, I had this girlfriend. [...] And at one point, this random girl comes up to me and tells me my girlfriend is waiting in front of the gym. I was supposed to go out there and find her, and I guess we were supposed to make out. In that closed-mouth middle school way. So here’s my proudest moment: I ran and hid like a freaking preschooler in the bathroom. [...] So yeah, if I’m being completely honest with myself, I definitely knew at that point.”

Simon’s email to Blue in the first epistolary chapter explains how he first realized he was gay. Simon’s character background is built as he writes that he has been aware of his sexuality since at least middle school. This passage provides an example of Simon’s informal writing style, including his use of the adjective “freaking,” which he repeats often. There are allusions to popular culture here and throughout the novel, which serve to ground the novel in a 2010s teen world. Finally, this passage also illustrates how open Simon is with Blue even early in the text, telling a story that although humorous, does not paint him in the best light.

“If Blue were a real junior at Creekwood with a locker and a GPA and a Facebook profile, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be telling him anything. I mean, he is a real junior at Creekwood. I know that. But in a way, he lives in my laptop. It’s hard to explain.”

Simon explains the unique role that Blue plays in his life. He has a more open and transparent relationship with Blue via email because he can think of him as being something distinct from his day-to-day life. Blue’s emails exist, for Simon, as a separate reality, one where he feels more comfortable sharing his interior thoughts. This starkly contrasts his relationships with those closest to him, who Simon uncomfortable with sharing his sexual orientation.

“Honest to God, there is nothing better than Halloween on a Friday. All day in school, there’s kind of a charged feeling, and it seems to make the work less boring and the teachers funnier. I’ve got felt cat ears duct taped to my hoodie, and a tail pinned to the butt of my jeans, and kids I don’t know are giving me smiles in the hallways. Laughing in a nice way. It’s just an awesome day.”

Simon describes the exciting feeling at school on Halloween, which establishes setting and Simon’s initially positive relationship to his school, where he is well-liked and feels comfortable. Simon loves being at school on a Friday holiday, getting a “charged feeling,” revealing his joy in feeling part of a community in which the holidays cement his position and provide him comfort.

“I mean, telling my parents was easily the weirdest, most horrible thing about having a girlfriend. All three times. It was honestly worse than any of the breakups. I’ll never forget the day I told them about my eighth-grade girlfriend. Rachel Thomas. Oh my God. [...] Honestly, the weirdest part is how they made it feel like this big coming out moment. Which can’t be normal. As far as I know, coming out isn’t something straight kids generally worry about.”

Simon’s parents’ (especially his mom’s) reaction to change troubles Simon throughout the novel, as he finds it places too much attention on him. He compares telling his parents about his eighth-grade girlfriend to a coming out moment. For Simon, growing up sometimes feels like a series of coming out moments, of re-introducing himself to the universe, one of the themes of the novel.

“Obviously, some of the things I’ve told you about myself are things I’ve never talked about with anyone. I don’t know, Jacques—there’s something about you that makes me want to open up, and that’s slightly terrifying for me. I hope this isn’t too awkward. I know you were kidding when you asked what costume I was going to wear, but I wanted to put this out there—just in case it wasn’t entirely a joke? I have to admit I’m curious about you sometimes, too.”

Blue admits that he has been more open with Simon (whom he knows as Jacques) than with anyone else in his life, which frightens Blue. Blue is not a character who opens up easily, giving the hint that whoever he really is, he might be naturally shy. The passage further suggests that he is insightful—noticing that Simon jokes to ask a real question—and that there might be ambivalence in how he feels about meeting Simon face to face, as he admits to curiosity about it.

“‘What the heck?’ Abby says, sliding into the desk behind me. She’s wearing a full suit and tie and this long, Dumbledorian fake beard. ‘You guys didn’t dress up!’ ‘I’m wearing hair clips,’ I point out. ‘Okay, well, they’re invisible.’ She turns to Leah. ‘And you’re in a dress?’ Leah looks at her and shrugs without explaining. Dressing extra feminine for Gender Bender is just something Leah does. It’s her way of being subversive. [...] It’s funny how it ends up being the straightest, preppiest, most athletic guys who go all out for Gender Bender.”

Although Simon usually enjoys dressing up for homecoming theme days, he has complicated feelings about dressing as a female for Gender Bender Day. Simon notices that Gender Bender seems easiest for people who are the most comfortable fitting into gender norms, as it the “straightest, preppiest, most athletic guys” who dress like cheerleaders. Simon’s observation provides commentary on the double standards of gender fluidity—that it’s okay to dress female as a joke for the straight athletes—and reveals the lack of awareness of his school and classmates.

“What I want to do is sit here and think about Blue. I think I’m starting to get a little obsessed with him. On one hand, he’s so careful all the time about not giving me details about himself—and then he turns around and tells me all kinds of personal stuff, and it’s the kind of stuff I could totally use to figure out his identity if I really wanted to. And I do want to. But I also don’t. It’s just so totally confusing. He’s confusing.”

Simon is distracted in history class and mulls over his deepening feelings for Blue. Simon’s feeling of obsession illustrates his feelings for his anonymous pen pal and his anxiety towards the relationship and Blue’s identity. Simon’s feelings demonstrate the developing complexities behind the relationship as he feels drawn to learning more about Blue but is also frightened at the possibility of knowing more at the same time.

“I’m so proud of you, too. This is really momentous, isn’t it? I’m guessing this is the kind of thing we remember for the rest of our lives. I know exactly what you mean about crossing the border. I think this is the kind of process that moves in one direction. Once you come out, you can’t really go back in. It’s a little bit terrifying, isn’t it?”

After Blue shares that he has come out to his mother, Simon tells Blue he came out to one of his best friends, describing feeling like he crossed a border. Blue’s response celebrates the importance of the moment and continues the shared vulnerability between the two. Blue’s astonishment at their growth demonstrates the significance he attaches to going through this moment with Simon specifically. Blue’s response reflects that both he and Simon understand the nature of the changes they’re initiating in their lives, as well as the emotional connection they have formed.

“Ever since I told Abby on Friday, I kind of thought it would be easy to tell Leah and Nick. Easier, anyway, now that my mouth is used to saying the words. It’s not easier. It’s impossible. Because even though it feels like I’ve known Abby forever, I really only met her four months ago. And I guess there hasn’t been time for her to have any set ideas about me yet. But I’ve known Leah since sixth grade, and Nick since we were four. And this gay thing. It feels so big. It’s almost insurmountable. I don’t know how to tell them something like this and still come out of it feeling like Simon. Because if Leah and Nick don’t recognize me, I don’t even recognize myself anymore.”

Simon voices his fears about coming out to his friends Leah and Nick. His longer histories with Leah and Nick make telling them feel much more difficult. This frightens him because he identifies himself through his friendship with Nick and Leah. Simon’s fear reveals how deeply change scares Simon, but also that the coming out process can be complicated and scary, related to other aspects of growing up and coming to terms with constantly changing relationships.

“It’s Saturday, we’re in an empty, dark school, and we’re a bunch of theater kids wearing pajamas and jacked up on donuts. We end up singing Disney songs in the stairwell. Abby weirdly knows every word to every song in Pocahontas, and everyone knows The Lion King and Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast. Taylor can improvise harmonies, and I guess we’re just all warmed up from singing the Oliver! songs, because it just sounds really amazing. And the acoustics in the stairwell are freaking awesome.”

In a portrait of a group of teenagers sitting singing in an empty stairwell, Simon demonstrates the sense of camaraderie and community that he gets from his involvement in the musical. Being one of the “theater kids” is part of his identity, where he feels accepted and a part of a cohesive community with peers who have similar interests. The theater kids are a haven for Simon and represent security for when the rest of the school feels more dangerous.

“It is definitely annoying that straight (and white, for that matter) is the default, and that the only people who have to think about their identity are the ones who don’t fit that mold. Straight people really should have to come out, and the more awkward it is, the better. Awkwardness should be a requirement.”

Blue provides insights about whose identities are privileged in the process of growing up, one of the themes of the novel. Blue’s response here elaborates on Simon’s idea that everyone should have to identify their sexualities, pointing out that not fitting into the default means spending more time thinking about identity. Blue further adds that whiteness shouldn’t be taken as the default either. This foreshadows Blue’s identity as Bram, a Black gay teen, who is aware of how both straightness and whiteness are privileged.

“It doesn’t really feel like Christmas Eve. There’s this spark missing, and I don’t know what it is. I’ve felt like this all week, and I don’t understand it. I don’t understand why everything feels so different this year. Maybe it’s because Alice has been gone. Or maybe it’s because I’m spending every minute pining for some boy who doesn’t want to meet me in person. Or who’s ‘not ready’ to meet me in person. But he’s also a boy who signs his emails with ‘love.’ I don’t know. I don’t know. In this moment, all I want is for things to feel like Christmas again. I want it to feel how it used to feel.”

Simon’s description of his feelings while spending time with his family on Christmas Eve fills in exposition from the previous chapter, which ended with Simon’s email letting Blue know he wanted to meet in person. From Simon’s statement, it can be inferred that Blue has told Simon he is not yet ready for this step. Simon’s feelings about change and getting older focuses on the celebration of holidays. Simon’s unsettled feelings establish a foreboding mood, a sense that something is wrong. This foreshadows the next scene, when Nora shows Simon that he has been outed on the school gossip Tumblr.

“And YES, I want to meet in person. And obviously that would change things—but I think I’m kind of ready for them to change. So maybe this is a big deal. I don’t know. I want to know your friends’ names and what you do after school and all the things you haven’t been telling me. I want to know what your voice sounds like.”

Simon responds to Blue’s previous email, in which Blue expressed fear about Simon knowing who he was—fear of the situation changing. Simon embraces the idea of change with more confidence than before, signaling the growth he’s experienced since the relationship began. He lets Blue know that he is ready for it, even though he knows it isn’t trivial. This willingness to have something be a “big deal” is an important step for Simon, who previously shied away from these kinds of developments in his personal life before meeting Blue.

“But I really fucked it all up with the Cal thing. I mean, honest to God, I’m a freaking moron. I seriously don’t know what I was thinking. Blue-green eyes and a gut feeling that Blue was Cal? It’s classic Simon logic. No surprise that I was horribly, epically wrong.”

Simon reacts to his mistaken guess about who Blue might be. He also berates himself for his lack of logical thinking, and he references his father’s joke about him, “Simon logic,” the tendency to make leaps based on what he wants rather than on actual evidence. Simon expressed hopes to outgrow this thinking, but mentally lectures himself for using it in a moment of insecurity. He is constantly worried about how Blue views him, revealing the depth of his feelings for his anonymous love interest and his hopes for more.

“I guess I’m getting a little fucking tired of this. I’m trying not to let it touch me. I shouldn’t care if stupid people call me a stupid word, and I shouldn’t care what people think of me. But I always care.”

Simon expresses his frustration and discouragement with the anti-gay bullying at school when someone defaces the cast list for the musical on the day of their performance for the 11th grade. Simon feels vulnerable and knows that he can’t take seriously the opinion of every bully, but he is self-aware enough to know that these acts are affecting him. Simon’s strength of character is revealed as he faces the comments with exhaustion and impatience, instead of letting the hatred from his classmates paralyze him.

“It’s a perfect night. Everything is perfect. It’s not even cold out anymore. It’s a Friday night, and we’re not at the Waffle House, and we’re not playing Assassin’s Creed in Nick’s basement, and we’re not pining for Blue. We are out and we are alive, and everyone in the universe is out here right now. ‘Hi’ I say, to somebody. I smile at everyone we pass.”

Simon spends the evening with Abby and Nick at a restaurant hanging out with gay college students and drinking. As they walk to the car, he expresses his feelings of joy about his adult night out. Simon has seen a glimpse of a future broader than high school, and at this moment, change does not seem as scary to him. His exuberance also illustrates how he has had too much to drink.

“I giggle, but it comes out too sharp. ‘That awkward moment when you realize you’ve been making gay jokes in front of your gay kid for the last seventeen years.’ There’s this awful, tense silence. My dad just looks at me.”

When Simon’s father confronts him about coming home drunk, Simon makes pointed statements about the gay jokes his father has made in the past. Simon’s giggling and joking delivery masks his resentment of his father’s behavior. Simon’s ability to truly communicate his feelings toward his father only while inebriated demonstrates his discomfort with his father and his lack of honesty in their relationship. This is further illustrated by his father’s silence as he absorbs what his son says.

“...I still don’t know your name, or what you look like, or all the other stuff. But you have to understand that I really do know you. I know that you’re smart and careful and weird and funny. And you notice things and listen to things, but not in a nosy way. In a real way. You overthink things and remember details and you always, always say the right thing. And I think I like that we got to know each other from the inside out.”

Simon invites Blue to meet him at the carnival, asking him to take a risk. Simon emphasizes that this relationship that exists through emails is real, and that they have genuinely glimpsed one another’s interior lives before even knowing one another in person. Simon’s attempt to connect with Blue illustrates Simon’s growth as he has moved from the security of the anonymous messages to welcoming the change that would come with knowing Blue’s identity.

“P.S. I love the way you smile like you don’t realize you’re doing it. I love your perpetual bed head. I love the way you hold eye contact a moment longer than you need to. And I love your moon-gray eyes. So if you think I’m not attracted to you, Simon, you’re crazy.”

This list of qualities Blue loves about Simon also functions as a parallel to the list of traits Simon observed about Blue through the emails, although Blue’s list is based on Simon in real life. The note serves as a pivotal moment between Blue and Simon as Simon realizes that he holds the key to knowing Blue’s identity and that Blue has finally trusted him with the information.

“I loosen the seat belt to let him in. And I smile at him. It’s impossible not to. ‘I like your shirt,’ he says. He seems nervous. ‘Thanks,’ I say. ‘It’s Elliott Smith.’ The operator reaches over us and pulls the guardrail down, locking us in. ‘I know,’ says Bram. There’s something in his voice. I turn to him, slowly, and his eyes are wide and brown and totally open. There’s this pause. We’re still looking at each other. And there’s this feeling in my stomach like a coil pulled taut. ‘It’s you,’ I say.”

When Bram sits down in the Tilt-a-Whirl with Simon at the carnival, the climactic revelation of Blue’s identity occurs. The buildup of emotions is illustrated as Bram’s nerves are signaled by his voice and eyes. In the simile of Simon’s stomach coiled like a pulled taut, the narrative points to their meeting as a taut coil, ready to spring. The ride’s immediate jolt into action that follows their interaction furthers this metaphor of explosion now that the two know who each other truly are.

“‘I’m all in, if you are,’ he says. ‘All in?’ I say. ‘Like what? Like boyfriend?’ ‘I mean, yeah. If that’s what you want.’ ‘That’s what I want,’ I say. My boyfriend. My brown eyed, grammar nerd, soccer star boyfriend. And I can’t stop smiling. I mean, there are times when it’s actually more work not to smile.”

Simon and Bram sneak away from school to have lunch off-campus in Bram’s car, and the moment represents a turning point for both characters, but especially Bram. For Bram, saying he is “all in” on the relationship with Simon means coming out at school, which demonstrates how willing Bram has become to show others who he is. For Simon, learning that Bram wants their relationship to be public is a reason for joy and for seeing how positive being out at school can be.

“[M]aybe it was all about me having a crush on a girl and feeling desperate. And me being jealous of how a girl like Abby could move here and choose to befriend you out of everyone, and you have so many friends already, and I don’t think you even get what a big deal that is. I don’t mean to call you out or insult you or anything. I’m just saying that it seems like it’s so easy for you, and you should know you’re actually really lucky.”

Martin tries to explain why he would do something like blackmail Simon. He suggests that part of what motivated him was jealousy of how easily Simon appeared to make friends like Abby. This window into Martin’s thoughts is a reminder that he has his own struggles and mysterious internal life, one of the novel’s themes.

“I’m actually speechless. [Leah’s] hair hangs past her shoulders, and her hands move impossibly quickly. And then she’s joined by the other instruments—Morgan on the keyboard and Anna on the bass. Taylor on vocals. And my sister Nora on lead guitar, looking so relaxed and confident I almost don’t recognize her. I mean, I’m gobsmacked. I didn’t even know she was playing guitar again. Bram looks at me and laughs. ‘Simon, your face.’”

At the talent show at the end of the novel, Simon is shocked that Leah and Nora have been their participation in a band. The revelation that the two girls are in the band resonates with two themes of the novel, both the idea that they are having to re-introduce themselves to the universe as they change and grow, as well as the idea that they have internal lives and secrets that surprise even those close to them.