Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

The author relays the story of Malcolm and Nicole, a couple who increasingly argued about household expectations and the state of their relationship. Nicole wanted to be married and was hurt by Malcolm’s lack of commitment and sulky response to arguments. Meanwhile, Malcolm felt nagged and disliked Nicole’s passive-aggressive attempts at communicating. Tawwab observes that this couple had never communicated about what was and was not acceptable in the household, or during arguments. The author helped Nicole make more “assertive requests” about how Malcolm needed to contribute to the household, and she helped Malcolm articulate his nervousness about commitment (191). Malcolm and Nicole established new agreements and compromises to break their cycle of poor communication and arguing.

Tawwab laments that many couples neglect to communicate about long-term expectations, such as marriage or kids, in the beginning of the relationship, which can cause problems later on when partners realize they want different things. The author recommends bringing up these subjects after a few dates and being upfront about long-term goals. She insists that this will only “scare away” people who are “mismatched” with them anyways (194).

The author recommends explicit communication about shared values, how to argue and resolve problems, and any rules either partner needs in the relationship. Other topics for long-term relationships include finances, fidelity, household duties, kids and more. She claims that feelings of “resentment, burnout, frustration, settling, uneasiness and anger” are red flags that couples must communicate and solve problems together (194). Tawwab urges people to prioritize communicating clearly with their partners through “open communication” by clearly stating their feelings or desires without yelling or insults (198). She maintains that communication problems are the main cause of unhappy relationships and breakups.

Certain life transitions can be particularly challenging for couples, such as the first year of living together, becoming parents, or having kids leave the home. Tawwab encourages couples to value their relationship and make time for it. She concludes her discussion on romantic relationships by asking the reader to think about their “top five needs” and how they might set boundaries with their partner to meet those needs (203).

In Chapter 12, Tawwab explores setting boundaries in friendships. She reflects on a client named Kevin who felt burdened by his best friend’s constant complaining. Tawwab helped Kevin try different strategies, such as talking about himself more, asking his friend about positive life events, or declining some of the phone calls. In the end, Kevin decided to limit his chats with his friend.

The author argues that, in healthy friendships, friends support each other, show understanding, and allow the relationship to change over time. Unhealthy friendships, however, form when people share unevenly, feel emotionally drained or embarrassed, feel competitive or disrespect boundaries. Tawwab advises the reader to take action, like changing the topic, to protect themselves from “chronic complainers” (208). Such redirection can be a gentle way of setting a boundary about not discussing certain topics, too.

Tawwab recommends considering boundaries for oneself and friends around lending money, offering unwanted advice, and sharing problems. She clarifies that “enmeshment” is not a helpful or healthy way to be a friend, as this makes people lose their distinct identities and take on too many of someone else’s problems (214).

If friends often violate boundaries and the friendship becomes hurtful, Tawwab suggests ending the friendship by reducing contact to more superficial interactions, or not engaging with them at all. The author asks the reader to write down their own definition of a positive friendship and think about the friendships they most enjoy. Then she recommends reflecting on friendships which need boundaries.