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51 pages 1 hour read

Nedra Glover Tawwab

Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 2021

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Part 1, Chapters 7-9Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Chapter 7 Summary

The author shares a story about a client, Chloe, whose older brother depended on her for financial and emotional support. Chloe’s mother encouraged her to listen to him and help him, regardless of his poor behavior. Frustrated with his “adult tantrums” and constant neediness, Chloe needed to learn to set firm boundaries (119). The author explains that Chloe accidentally created “blurred boundaries” with her brother by not honoring the boundaries she would set, trying to communicate with him indirectly through their mother, and gossiping about his choices (120).

Common aspects of blurred boundaries include gossiping, telling people how to live, telling others what they should allow in their relationships or “pushing your values” onto others (123). Chloe learned to restate her boundary in an extremely simple and clear way by saying, “I can’t help you,” and not explaining or justifying her decision (123). Chloe also needed to create boundaries with her mom, who often told her to call her brother and pressured her into prioritizing family relationships, no matter how unhappy it made her.

The author explains that some boundaries can come with ultimatums. Healthy ultimatums have “reasonable consequences,” while unhealthy ones are “punitive” or threatening (125). If, in spite of clear boundaries and ultimatums, the other person does not change their behavior, Tawwab believes that people can cut them off and end the relationship. The author writes that it is normal to grieve the end of a relationship, and that people should acknowledge negative feelings, accept the situation, and remind themselves of how they tried to repair the relationship. The author insists that it is the dysfunction in a relationship, not the boundaries, which prompt the end, and that healthy relationships are never ended by boundary setting.

Tawwab encourages the reader to integrate their boundaries into their daily lives by creating “realistic actions” that support each boundary (132). For instance, Chloe came up with a new financial plan for her money which reminded her that she was not going to loan it to her brother. The author acknowledges that sometimes people’s boundaries conflict with each other. In this case, people can either try to work out a fair compromise or decide to end the relationship. Tawwab concludes her chapter with a reflection exercise encouraging the reader to brainstorm concrete actions which will support their boundaries and possible consequences for violating them.

Chapter 8 Summary

One of Tawwab’s clients, Amber, created rigid boundaries with others after enduring different kinds of trauma in her childhood. This included abandonment, frequently moving homes, sexual abuse, physical abuse, and emotional neglect. While Amber went on to become a successful professional, she struggled to form lasting bonds with others, particularly with boyfriends.

The author explains that childhood trauma—which could include physical or emotional abuse, neglect, or various kinds of household dysfunction—profoundly impacts people’s ability to create and respect boundaries. People who have experienced childhood trauma are more likely to become either anxiously attached, or avoidantly attached, to others.

“Anxiously attached” people may violate boundaries by always asking for validation, acting “needy” or “attention seeking,” having a “paralyzing fear” at the possibility of the relationship ending, and more (142). People who are “avoidant attached” may feel that no one ever meets their standards, feel constrained by the relationship, and always focus on the downsides of the relationship (143). This attachment style is similar to counter dependence, in which people struggle to understand and share what they are feeling and routinely resist creating emotional bonds with others. The author claims that her client Chloe was both avoidant and counter dependent. By contrast, the healthiest type of attachment is “secure attachment” in which people can be away from their partners, express their feelings openly, and “have a healthy sense of self” (143).

Tawwab explains that people who have experienced trauma often feel shame about their experiences and worry that others will judge them or dismiss their feelings. This fear prompts people like Chloe to keep their feelings to themselves and avoid close relationships. The author laments that when people are taught to keep secrets in childhood, it gives them the impression that discussing their feelings is a betrayal to their family.

Negative experiences such as abuse or neglect in childhood or adulthood can be detrimental to people’s ability to take care of themselves. Tawwab suggests that the reader reflect on their own attachment style, claiming that people can always change their behavior and boundaries if they have been too anxious or too avoidant. If one’s partner has a problem with boundary setting, Tawwab tells the reader to “name what you’re observing” and not enable any poor behavior (148). The author concludes her chapter by inviting the reader to consider how traumatic experiences may have informed how they set boundaries.

Chapter 9 Summary

The author recalls one client, Kyle, who had unhealthy boundaries with his own finances, which prompted him to overspend and accumulate debt. While he had ambitious financial goals, this young man was unable to make any progress towards them because of his unhealthy relationship with money. His frequent overspending also caused him to rely on his father’s financial help to stay afloat. Tawwab claims that Kyle had to fundamentally change his existing beliefs about money and create new “self-boundaries” in order to shift his behavior (152).

Financial self-boundaries might include committing to saving a certain percentage of income, following a planned budget, or creating an emergency savings fund. Creating boundaries with others also helps people maintain financial health; for instance, people may decline to loan others money, or only do so under certain conditions.

Other valuable self-boundaries include time management and planning, self-care, and managing one’s inner thoughts and self-talk. Self-boundaries can also apply to people’s relationships with others, such as who they allow into their lives and how they allow others to act towards them. Positive self-boundaries may manifest as healthy eating, taking time for rest or holidays, acknowledging one’s feelings without judgment, and sticking to time and budget plans (161). The author reiterates that setting boundaries is only the beginning to achieving change with oneself or others, and that it is essential to uphold these boundaries with real consequences. Tawwab suggests that clear and assertive responses are best, such as “No” or even “Stop,” recommending that people not “lead others on” with vague replies such as “maybe” or “we’ll see,” instead of simply saying no (160).

Tawwab claims that people often disrespect their own boundaries through “self-sabotage” (161). This may include setting impossible goals, quitting at something part way through, or procrastinating about tasks or projects. “Self-betrayal,” such as acting inauthentically, and “people-pleasing” are other problematic behaviors that violate self-boundaries (164). The author maintains that people should not feel pressured into responding to invasive and personal questions and are always allowed to refuse to share or change the topic.

The author insists that confident self-talk can impact people’s behavior in a concrete way, telling the reader to envision who they want to be and to enact those changes in their life. The author encourages the reader to identify self-boundaries they would like to maintain and the necessary actions they need to take to create and maintain them.

Part 1, Chapters 7-9 Analysis

In these chapters, Tawwab addresses Exercising Personal Agency and Control to change one’s life. In the title of Chapter 9, Tawwab asks the reader “What Are You Doing to Honor Your Boundaries?” (149). In this challenging chapter, the author argues that everyone is responsible for communicating and upholding their boundaries with others. She claims that, as a therapist, many of her clients complain to her about being exploited, so she asks the reader to consider how their actions might be enabling others to use them. She writes, “The real question is, How are you allowing people to take advantage of you? It’s your job to maintain the standard of how others treat you” (155). This theme reminds the reader that they do have control over many of the relationships they choose to engage in, from friendships to romantic partnerships and even workplace associations.

The author acknowledges how easy it is to feel like a victim of others’ poor behavior but tells the reader that they do not have to stay in any relationship that they find hurtful or unrewarding. She insists, “The bottom line is that you don’t have to have relationships with types of people you don’t like. Doing so is a choice” (158). By testing the reader with these questions, Tawwab encourages them to see themselves as a capable authority in their own life with the power to shape their social circle.

Moreover, she also argues that developing self-boundaries and remembering The Relationship Between Self-Care and Boundaries is a way to use intentions and discipline to create positive changes in one’s life. For instance, people may choose to eat better, follow a budget, or limit screen time. She writes, “While other people indeed have an impact on our lives, we make personal choices daily that affect the quality of our lives and who we are. With self-boundaries, we consider how we impact ourselves” (150). She urges readers to reevaluate their own self-directed behaviors and consider how they could take action to change their own life.

Tawwab also explores The Childhood Roots of Boundary Problems. This theme allows Tawwab to explain how childhood trauma prompts people to develop different extreme boundaries, such as porous boundaries which allow people to take advantage of them, or rigid boundaries which shut people out completely. She claims, “Childhood trauma impacts our development, as well as our ability to implement and honor boundaries. Trauma in childhood includes sexual, physical, and emotional abuse or neglect” (139).

Her analysis of childhood trauma includes a variety of examples of different types of adverse experiences, inviting the reader to consider if they experienced something similar and how it may affect their relationships as adults. By charting the journey from childhood experiences to adult beliefs and behaviors, Tawwab highlights the importance of giving children the best chance to learn about healthy boundaries through everyday parenting and teaching. This provides guidelines and suggestions both to people reflecting on their own childhoods as well as parents hoping to teach the concept of boundaries to their children.

Tawwab also links childhood trauma to The Relationship Between Self-Care and Boundaries. Tawwab argues that experiencing trauma may be detrimental to people’s ability to take care of themselves. She encourages the reader to consider their relationship with themselves and ensure that they prioritize their own needs. Her broad definition of self-care includes “asking for what you need,” “maintaining your mental health,” “teaching yourself things you weren’t taught in childhood” and not feeling obligated to spend time with others (147). 

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