Set Boundaries, Find Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Yourself

Tawwab dedicates this chapter to examining the different manifestations of boundary violations. She offers an anecdote about a client whose boyfriend was frequently critical of her and would give her the silent treatment when he was upset about something. Tawwab felt that Jamie’s boyfriend was violating her Emotional Boundaries by setting impossible standards for her to reach and guilt-tripping her when she tried to communicate about it.

The author differentiates between Micro Boundary violations, which are smaller and can happen in “everyday encounters,” and Macro Boundary violations, which are more significant and cause damage to relationships (80). Examples of micro violations are being guilt-tripped by a coworker or dealing with a rude cashier. Similarly, microaggressions are often small exchanges which are based on biases, such as commenting on someone’s appearance, dialect, or sexuality. While these interactions seem small, taken together they can be very hurtful. Tawwab recommends confronting microaggressions in a clear way or suggesting better phrasing or actions for others. Macro violations may be blaming oneself for all relationship problems, or always taking care of a friend who struggles with addiction.

The author argues that oversharing can be disrespectful of other people’s Emotional and Intellectual Boundaries. Oversharers usually want to connect with the other person, but revealing too many personal details, or sharing others’ secrets, is not the best way to do that. Tawwab suggests that people confront oversharing by redirecting the conversation or asserting that they are not comfortable with the topic. Another boundary violation is “guilt tripping” someone by intentionally making them feel bad in order to manipulate them (85). Tawwab recommends directly commenting on the problem by asking “Are you trying to make me feel bad about my decisions?” (87).

The author describes how in “enmeshed” relationships it can be difficult for either person to sound boundaries, because they feel like they must always agree with the other person. Tawwab claims that in these relationships, which could be romantic, familial, or even friendships, “individualization is not acceptable” because people feel that if they “set new limits, create new roles, or shift the dynamics the relationship is in danger of termination” (87). For instance, if someone feels they must like the same things as their spouse, or always agree with their parents, they may be “enmeshed.”

In "codependent” relationships, one person denies their own needs in order to enable another person, who they view as helpless. The red flags of codependent relationships include avoiding real conversations about problems while “overextending” oneself to care for someone else, even while tolerating “toxic” behavior (90). Unfortunately, codependent relationships harm both people, as the enabler never has their needs met and the enabled person is never challenged to grow and change their behavior. Tawwab advises the reader to avoid codependency by helping others without neglecting themselves, telling people about the consequences of their behavior, and expecting others to care for themselves.

Conversely, “counter dependency” occurs when people keep others out of their lives and find it difficult to let down their guard with others. To overcome these feelings, the author recommends trying to share more about one’s life, express one’s feelings, and ask for help when needed. The author then describes the phenomenon of “trauma bonding,” in which abused or mistreated people are manipulated into believing that their experiences are their fault (92). People may make excuses, reenter dysfunctional relationships, or hide their experiences from friends. Tawwab concludes this chapter by encouraging the reader to reflect on the “specific actions” they think they need to take to establish better boundaries.

Tawwab recounts a story about Eric, a client who struggled to set boundaries with his alcoholic father and enabling mother. Upset by his father’s addiction and verbal abuse, Eric believed he had set boundaries by telling his mother that he did not like his dad’s drinking, and by sometimes ignoring his dad’s phone calls. However, Tawwab argues that these were “passive aggressive” attempts, and that Eric needed to learn how to clearly express his feelings and standards to his dad (98).

People’s attempts to create boundaries are unsuccessful when they are too passive, too aggressive, passive-aggressive, or manipulative. Tawwab advocates for “assertiveness,” which she feels is the best way to “clearly and directly state your needs” (103). For instance, people may clearly say no to things they are not interested in, share their real thoughts and feelings, and speak directly to the person they have a problem with. The author emphasizes that being assertive is an inherent part of setting boundaries.

The author lays out a detailed guide to setting boundaries. The first step is to “Be clear” by stating your boundary with specific language in a calm voice. Secondly, say no to someone or explain your request. For instance, if someone is gossiping, one could clearly state a boundary by saying, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about her in this way,” and then state a request such as, “I want you to be pleasant towards her because John likes her” (105). According to Tawwab, the best boundaries start with words such as “I want,” “I need,” or “I expect,” followed by enforcing one’s boundaries with actions (113). For example, Eric told his dad not to drink at his party, and that if he did he would have to leave. The author tells the reader to never “waver” and allow such violations to happen (114).

The author claims that feeling guilty is an unavoidable part of setting boundaries which people must learn to cope with; she blames people’s “programming” in childhood for making them feel bad about setting boundaries (106). The author understands why many people are fearful to set boundaries, such as fearing the loss of the relationship or upsetting someone with anger problems. It is also common to feel sadness or remorse for setting boundaries, since it is always difficult to acknowledge that friends or family do not understand one’s needs. Tawwab encourages the reader to overcome the awkwardness of setting a boundary by assuming that others will respect your new boundaries and acting normally with them.

If people react defensively, Tawwab instructs the reader to restate their boundary and correct bad behavior in the moment. For instance, when her client Eric’s father called him while drunk, Eric restated his boundary that he would not speak to his dad unless he was sober. The author urges the reader to never apologize for setting a boundary. Tawwab asks the reader to practice writing down boundary statements, focusing on making their declarations clear, assertive, and unapologetic.