Reasons to Stay Alive

This chapter explores why the word “depression” is insufficient, and tries to define the illness in simple terms. Haig explains that depression can affect anyone, and its true cause is still unknown.

Haig prepares to step off a cliff and end his life, leaving his Ibiza villa and family behind. He goes to the cliff edge and finds he’s unable to continue. He catalogs reasons not to die, the most prominent being his girlfriend and family who love him. He goes back to the villa, unharmed.

This chapter is a dialogue between “Then Me” and “Future Me,” in which the future version of the author tells the past version that the future will be better and that he will find happiness.

Matt’s girlfriend, Andrea, convinces him to see a doctor and get a medical prescription. The doctor gives him a high dose of diazepam. Later, Matt tries the medicine and discovers it triggers even worse symptoms.

Haig offers some statistics on the mortality rate of depression, arguing that it is more deadly than almost any other illness. Despite these facts, stigma against depression remains.

This chapter lists several imaginary statements about depression, interjecting illnesses like “colon cancer” or “meningitis” to highlight the insensitivity of the observations.

Haig recounts his experiences with medication. He found that it often did more harm than good, an effect he calls “a reverse placebo” (29). The idea that something external might be interfering with his brain triggered even greater anxiety. He experienced this effect even with lighter medication, such as ibuprofen and St. John’s Wort.

Haig considers the broader societal attitude toward medication for depression. He found a small measure of success with sleeping pills, but ultimately rejected them as he recognized the danger they could present long term. He remembers leaving Spain and his hosts, Andy and Dawn. They try to encourage Andrea to stay, but she insists on accompanying Haig home.

Haig expresses his hesitancy advocating against medication in general because it is beneficial for certain people. In his own experience, however, he believes it was healthier to learn to overcome his illness without it. The chapter closes with a quotation from the writer and psychologist Jonathan Rottenberg.

Several months after his flight from Ibiza, Matt stands in a recruitment agency considering his life path. He gets a job in advertisement sales with a supervisor named Iain, who makes him feel alienated from other men. Haig becomes overwhelmed and leaves the job.

Haig examines the relationship between the body and mind, and the way we oversimplify the body’s complex processes. He presents depression as an unsustainably heightened state of being, and a potential error of human evolution.

Haig meets his parents at the airport and feels the weight of their disappointment. He considers that in spite of this, he has improved slightly. They go home and have dinner together, and he tries to believe that he is cured. However, a small nagging doubt hints at the depths still to come.

At home, Haig tries to present a brave and “normal” image. He and Andrea settle in at his parents’ house. The next day, Haig feels the effects of depression and anxiety becoming more and more debilitating.

Haig lists several of the accompanying symptoms that he experienced along with his depression, including hypochondria, insomnia, and loss of appetite. He considers the relationship between anxiety and depression, with anxiety acting as a stimulant for the effects of depression.

Haig advises the reader to store up a “bank of bad days” (49) which one can use as a point of reference to see when things are improving. Collecting these horrific experiences of depressive “lows” offers perspective when looking at less debilitating emotions.

This chapter is a brief dialogue between depression and a person with depression, illustrating the negativity that depression can conceive.

Early on, Haig attempts to use factual information about his illness as a coping mechanism. However, he acknowledges that there is still much that is unknown. The chapter presents several statistics about suicide rates, depression in relation to demographics, and mental illnesses that accompany depression.

Haig remembers being in his parents’ room alone and experiencing the lows of depression. He cries uncontrollably, and his father comes to check on him. His father is compassionate, but unable to understand the scope of Haig’s experience.

Haig considers his childhood, and whether or not the seeds of mental illness existed from a young age. He remembers spending time with his babysitter while he waited for his parents, imagining all the things that might happen to them. In another memory, he is humiliated by a childhood crush. Throughout his childhood, he remains uncomfortable with others. He explores the way his mental illness was a more honest manifestation of his being.

An old school friend tries to encourage Haig to come out for an evening. Haig is unable to articulate his anxiety and the feeling of being trapped in a prison of the mind.

Haig considers the particular stigma that men face surrounding mental illness. Despite the fact that depression is more commonly diagnosed in women, suicide is far more common in men worldwide. The book offers several statistics about suicide among men and women, including the fact that suicide rates for women have gone down across decades while those for men have gone up. Haig explores the relationship men have to voicing their own emotions and struggles, and encourages more communication in contemporary society.