Promises I Can Keep: Why Poor Women Put Motherhood Before Marriage

“While the poor women we interviewed saw marriage as a luxury, something they aspired to but feared they might never achieve, they judged children to be a necessity, an absolutely essential part of a young woman’s life, the chief source of identity and meaning.”

Low-income communities do not reject marriage, in contrast to what some conservative critics suggest. Instead, low-income women highly value marriage and delay it until they feel economically stable and secure in their relationship. Indeed, they speak of divorce in disparaging terms. Marriage is a privilege they can only hope to achieve while motherhood is a necessity that gives them hope and a meaningful identity.

“The heady declaration ‘I want to have a baby by you’ is fueled by the extraordinarily high social value the poor place on children.”

Young men compliment their girlfriends when they proclaim they want to have a baby with them. This declaration is a high form of praise that assures a young woman of her worthiness in the eyes of her partner and contributes to pregnancies that are not entirely planned but also not avoided.

“While older and wiser parents and kin may—and do—encourage the younger to wait, to ‘live their lives’ first, many young women come to see parenthood as the point at which they can really start living.”

Many of the young mothers interviewed for this study note that having children gave their lives new meaning and provided them with companionship. Many report having no close friends, and some have strained relations with their family members or come from abusive homes. Having a child provides an escape from this bleak existence, and these observations contrast with stereotypes about single motherhood.

“One way or another, most of these women drifted into the Russian roulette of unprotected sex.”

The low-income women participants in this study are knowledgeable about birth control and generally have access. However, many do not regularly use it to prevent pregnancy because they do not view young, unwed pregnancies as tragic. While Edin and Kefalas strive to remain objective, their contrasting viewpoints trickle in through the metaphor they use here, which compares unprotected sex to a dangerous game of Russian roulette.

“The vigilance and care that most birth control methods require are hard to maintain when women like Tasheika see so few costs to having a baby.”

Educational and career prospects for young, low-income women are already low, so pregnancy at a young age does not derail their futures the way it does for middle-class unwed mothers. Edin and Kefalas emphasize that taking measures to prevent pregnancy is not a priority when there is little to lose for these young women.

“They bring a new sense of hope and a chance to start fresh. Thus, most women want the baby very much once the pregnancy occurs.”

Many young, low-income women who are unwed want to carry their pregnancies to term and do not see them as tragic, contrary to common middle-class misconceptions. Their pregnancies often give them reasons to change their lives for the better, offering motivation to leave abusive relationships or stop drug use. Moreover, their children fill a much-needed emotional gap in their lives. They do not view their children as a hindrance to their futures.

“The young people who live in these neighborhoods—whether they play by society’s rules or not—share the same dismal prospects for lifetime earnings. So, for Antonia Rodriguez and Emilio and others like them, having a child while still in their teens is hardly the end of the world.”

Young couples who decide to have children while still in their teens or do little to prevent pregnancy do not see these choices as risky. Middle-class Americans, alternatively, view teen pregnancies as a crisis because they often disrupt plans, like getting a college education. Edin and Kefalas stress that for low-income couples, college may not be a feasible option anyway, so having children while young is low risk.

“Putting motherhood first makes sense in a social context where the achievements that middle-class youth see as their birthright are little more than pipe dreams: Children offer a tangible source of meaning, while other avenues for gaining social esteem and personal satisfaction appear vague and tenuous.”

Middle-class achievements, like earning a college degree and having a successful and profitable career, are often unachievable dreams for low-income young women. Motherhood is their dream, in contrast, because it gives meaning to their lives, whereas for the middle class, other achievements shape one’s identity.

“Despite the dreams of shared children that young couples so often indulge in before conception, men are as likely to respond with shock and trepidation—or even outrage and denial—as with pleasure.”

Young men who tell their girlfriends they would like to have children with them are often left shocked when pregnancy occurs. The new demands and responsibilities that come with fatherhood create anxiety that causes them to react in a variety of ways. Some demand terminations, deny their paternity, cheat, or become physically abusive. With this, Edin and Kefalas highlight that the implications of pregnancy and parenthood are different between men and women.

“In response to the new pressures she begins to place on him and the growing disappointment she begins to express, he may become resentful. For the soon-to-be father, spending time with the soon-to-be mother can mean little more than constantly having to face his failures. This was certainly the case with Mahkiya’s boyfriend Mike who, despite his achievements in high school, was a college dropout without a full-time job when the child was born.”

Life changes swiftly for young, unwed couples when they conceive. Young mothers-to-be stay home, stop “ripping and running,” and begin planning for the birth. Meanwhile, young fathers-to-be struggle with their new circumstances and responsibilities, like financially supporting mother and baby and ending their youthful partying. Relationships between expectant couples often become strained and eventually fail as these young men fail to successfully adapt to fatherhood’s demands.

“Once a man knows he can no longer do anything to prevent the birth, the child becomes something of great potential value to him, for in these communities, young men’s lives are at least as aimless and relationally impoverished as those of young women. A child is one of the few things a young man can say he has created and one of the few ways he can make an early mark on the world.”

Some young new fathers adapt to their new lives by accepting the child who brings order to his life, just as children do for young mothers. Successfully caring for a child can be a source of pride for young fathers in these impoverished communities, where opportunities for achievement are limited. This highlights the Socioeconomic Determinants of Family Formation.

“It is usually the young father’s criminal behavior, the spells of incarceration that so often follow a pattern of intimate violence, his chronic infidelity, and an inability to leave drugs and alcohol alone that cause relationships to falter and die.”

Young parents’ relationships frequently fail before or shortly after the birth of a child, despite some men’s claims that they want a baby with their partners. Edin and Kefalas discuss how new fathers who struggle to adapt to their new circumstances may engage in self-destructive behavior like drug dealing or use, cheating, or physical and emotional abuse of their girlfriends. This highlights The Challenges for and Resilience of Low-Income Mothers.

“The transition to parenthood means that the demands on young men dramatically increase just as the rewards of the relationship are radically reduced.”

Some young, low-income men struggle to adjust to the expectations that fatherhood places on them, like providing financial support when well-paying jobs are hard to come by. Simultaneously, their partners change when they become mothers. Mothers are no longer interested in partying or drinking and desire a traditional, stable home where the child is the center of their new life. These shifts can strain relationships among young, low-income parents.

“Low-income women are waging a war of the sexes in the domestic sphere, and they believe their own earnings and assets are what buys them power. Equally important, these material things provide insurance against a marriage gone bad. Most are strongly opposed to divorce and see marriage as risky and the hazard of divorce high.”

Study participants repeatedly report they want financial independence and economic security before they will ever consider marriage. They do not devalue marriage but place a high value on it. Because the marriageable pool of men is limited and due to their past relationship problems, many are hesitant to marry and want financial security should a marriage break down.

“Marriage to these mothers represents not only the end of one’s youth, but also the end of one’s dreams of social mobility. When they get to where they are going in terms of financial success, career aspirations, and other life goals, and they feel there is no more to achieve, then it’s time to get married.”

Low-income women’s trajectory toward marriage is different than the middle class. The middle class sees marriage as the necessary precursor to having children, and marriage often takes place while a woman advances in her career. Low-income women, in contrast, believe career advancement and economic security must come before marriage, which should happen between 30 and 40 years of age and after they have produced children.

“The decision to bring a child into the world under these conditions is not seen as a personal failure. Indeed, the very uncertainty and adversity involved transform the choice to bring a less-than-perfectly planned pregnancy to term into an act of valor.”

Middle-class Americans view unwed motherhood in impoverished circumstances negatively. However, low-income women see rearing children under difficult circumstances as a challenge that good mothers overcome. This reinforces the theme of Good Mothering and “Being There.”

“Being there does not necessarily mean that one has to have a lot of money.”

Study participants repeatedly defined good mothering as “being there” for one’s children. This means their children are cared for and supported emotionally and have their basic needs met; they are clean, clothed, and fed. This definition contrasts with middle-class definitions of good parenting, which often center on children’s achievements.

“While middle-class parents see schooling as an opportunity for their children to develop their talents and showcase their achievements, poor parents view school as offering just as many opportunities for failure as for success.”

Low-income mothers face new challenges in their parenting when their children enter school. The middle class sees schooling as an opportunity for achievement, but for poor mothers, starting school presents new opportunities for children to fall under unsavory influences and get into trouble. This reinforces the emphasis on “being there” as an integral part of motherhood—the mother must trust that their child will take their lessons from home into the new school environment.

“While more privileged women may fulfill the role of good mother by using their resources to cultivate their children’s talents in science, gymnastics, soccer, or dance, poor mothers by definition have few resources. Thus, they adopt an approach to child-rearing that values survival, not achievement. While their early aspirations for their children are indeed high, what these women hope for and what they expect and prepare for are often quite different. In general, they make tentative and modest plans for their children.”

American middle-class parents have high ambitions for their children and define successful parenting by different standards than low-income mothers. The low-income mothers interviewed for this study believe good mothers are supportive of their children. For example, they supervise homework and make sure their kids are clean and clothed. Their children do not have to be the best at everything or high achievers for them to be good mothers.

“Despite the ascent of feminism and the rapid entry of women into jobs formerly reserved for men, motherhood still offers a powerful source of meaning for American women.”

Second and third-wave feminism has not altered the importance of motherhood for many American women. Rather, motherhood remains an important goal alongside financial independence and educational advancement for middle-class and low-income women, as evidenced in this study.

“These mothers see themselves in their offspring—often so much that children become a reconstituted, yet more positive, image of themselves.”

Edin and Kefalas assert that motherhood offers the low-income subjects of this study new opportunities for achievement and the chance to redefine their identities. They are able to relive their childhoods, which were often troubled, through their children by providing them with the stability and care they lacked.

“Therefore, we argue, along with noted family scholar Andrew Cherlin, that while the practical significance of marriage has diminished its symbolic significance has grown.”

Edin and Kefalas argue that the meaning of marriage for American women changed between the 1950s and the turn of the 21st century. It is no longer a practical method of legitimizing sexual relations and the foundation of family formation. However, marriage remains an important goal for many low-income women because it signals that a woman is established and her relationship is secure.

“In the worldview of the poor, marriage and class respectability still usually go hand in hand. Thus, for a poor single mother to say she’s abandoned the goal of marriage is the equivalent of admitting she’s given up on her dreams for a better future.”

Poor women dream of marriage, but only after having children and establishing their financial independence. They insist on personal economic security so they are not subjected to a man’s dominance and a financial crisis should the marriage fail. Giving up on the prospect of marriage means a woman’s goal of financial independence and stability is unreachable.