Picking Cotton: Our Memoir Of Injustice And Redemption

“I wondered if being raped by a black man made me a less desirable prospective wife for her son.”

Not only does Jennifer’s family not want to talk about the rape, neither does Paul’s mother. She is demonstrably uncomfortable around Jennifer, and Jennifer can’t help but wonder why she feels blamed for the fact that she was victimized.

“There was no etiquette guidebook to tell you what to do when someone you loved has been raped.”

Even though she wishes her mother was not so uncomfortable about talking about the rape—which they never really do—Jennifer understands. They are all in an unfamiliar situation, and she knows that her mother’s gift of flowers and a "Get well soon" card are her best attempt at trying to help.

“That day in Swenson’s was not the first or last time I wished my rapist had cut my face or broken my nose or left some kind of physical proof so I could look at someone and say, ‘Don’t you see this? I’m in pain.’”

Because Jennifer has no visible signs of her assault, it makes it easier for some people—even Paul—to assume that she is not as hurt as claims to be. Paul takes the fact that she did not fight back as a sign that she may have enjoyed the rape. Her sister Janet is also confused about why she did not fight back. Because there is no observable proof of her pain, people are able to dismiss it.

“That bastard is going to be very sorry.”

After Jennifer meets with Sadie, her thoughts turn to doing whatever she has to do to punish Ronald. She hates the sound of his name and it reminds her of the gloves the rapist had worn and pushed over her mouth. From then on, until he is exonerated, she thinks of Ronald as either a bastard, a monster, or a devil.

“They were horrible people, I thought, liars, all of them. What kind of evil ran through their veins?”

At the trial, Jennifer sees two women in the restroom and figures that they are related to Ronald Cotton. She immediately assumes that they will do anything to set them free, and soon imagines that they enjoy helping him cover up the crime. She sees anything to do with Cotton as an actual evil.

“We were too afraid to talk, too afraid to make promises about its all being a big mistake and everything working out. That’s not the way it is in some Southern towns. At least, not for everybody.”

Ronald, his sister, and his girlfriend know he is innocent. But because of their experiences being Black and living in a small Southern town, they know that his innocence might not matter. This highlights the theme of Racism and Unjust Incarceration. Ronald knows that he may be in even though he has done nothing wrong, and he knows he may be willingly driving toward a meeting that will end the life he wanted to have.

“I knew I was a goner: I just didn’t know how bad it was going to be.”

As he prepares for sentencing, Ronald wonders why Jennifer keeps glaring at him. He can’t understand why she is so convinced that he was her rapist. For the final week of the trial he has not had any hope that he will be found innocent, he has just hoped that there will be a cause for a lenient sentence. He is completely at the mercy of the court.

“It felt like even God had forgotten about me. The weight of the world was on me, sucking me down into a darkness I didn’t think I could swim out of.”

Once Ronald is in prison, he feels forsaken. He wonders if God is punishing him for a sin that he has forgotten about. He wants to fight back and insist that he is innocent, but there is no one he can appeal to, and no one to listen to him who can actually make a difference.

“Rage ate at me like a cancer. I could scream and shatter my own eardrums, but no one else heard me. The rules were different if you were a Black man.”

Ronald believes that he has evidence that will exonerate him and implicate Bobby Poole. When he cannot get Mosely or the media to respond to him, he is enraged. He meditates on the concept of “voicelessness,” an unjustness that Black people he has known have had to endure. He has nothing but the letters he can write, and the letters are going ignored.

“Letting go of the weapon was one of the first important decisions I made. There wasn’t much I could control about the way my life was doing, but I could control whether I let my rage get the best of me.”

Ronald is glad that he did not kill Poole. His anger had gotten acute enough to drive him to murder. Because he has been convicted of rape, he knows that he and Poole look the same to people on the outside. But he also realizes that if he were to kill Poole, they would truly become indistinguishable from one another.

“If this was my life—if I was going to spend the rest of my days in a North Carolina prison—I had to figure out a way to live it.”

Ronald wants to have a life, even in prison, not a mere existence. He sees other inmates who can only think of the prison and the things they wish they were doing. He says that this is what happens when a prison gets inside you. He wants to make sure he is always inside the prison, and that it is never inside him.

“Put a man in a cage with beasts and throw away the key, and it’s usually not very long before the man is a beast himself. I knew my innocence would not matter if I gave in to the violence all around me.”

In prison, Ronald spends a lot of time thinking about animals, and how tragic it is when people are reduced to an animal state. Survival in prison requires aggression and a willingness to fight. But he is determined that he will never begin to enjoy it, and that he will never forget that his goal is to preserve his humanity.

“You had to be free in your heart. Guilt, fear, anger—they were all their own kinds of prison.”

Ronald has been in prison for 10 years and realizes that he is no longer angry. Even though he is optimistic about Richard’s efforts on his case, he knows that he cannot depend on Richard for peace, either. Ronald commits to living a peaceful, calm, life, no matter where he is, and in doing so, ensures that he is always as free as possible.

“I thought of the two trials, and Jennifer Thompson telling the jury she was sure it was me. I worried that her words were stronger than any kind of scientific test.”

Ronald is hopeful about the DNA test, which is as conclusive as forensic evidence gets. But he knows that Jennifer’s commitment to her story has overridden all previous evidence of his innocence. This highlights the Unreliability of Eyewitness Testimony. He worries that even objective proof will not be enough to convince anyone who is determined to continue seeing him as a rapist.

“I’m sure he probably thought, but would never admit, what kind of wife and mother would I, the traumatized rape victim, be?”

As Jennifer recounts the end of her relationship with Paul, she says that he never got over the fact that she had been raped. He even asked her if she had enjoyed it since she did not fight the attacker. She sees that he will never be able to support her emotionally because part of him will always see her as damaged, and as a victim.

“Over the years, my nighttime fear subsided somewhat. But I still prayed each and every day for Ronald Cotton’s violent death.”

Jennifer shows the hold that Ronald Cotton—and her rape—still had on her mind and emotions, highlighting the complex interplay of Victimization, Shame, and Guilt. To pray daily for someone’s death is both to ask God for something cruel and to demonstrate that the progression of moving past the event is stunted or inert. She believes that only his death will give her a true sense of safety and peace.

“Lord, where do I go from here?”

As Ronald walks out of the courtroom a free man, he looks at the sky and asks God for direction. Because he had never truly believed he would get out until this moment, he realizes that he does not have a plan for what comes next. He is free, but not independent. He will need help to join society again.

“I was waiting for Ronald Cotton—or his family—to come and exact revenge. It was only fair. I had wished for him to die violently and cruelly for what I believed he had done to me, so why wouldn’t he want me to die for what I had taken from him.” 

Because Jennifer has spent the last 11 years in a vengeful state, she can only assume that Ronald would feel the same way. Her concept of justice has become distorted and reduced to the Biblical sense of an eye for an eye. She would see him coming for her or her children as fair and assume that he wants her to die. This is a drastic contrast to the mental peace Ronald has found, even while in prison.

“I would like to hear what she has to say—in her own words—to me.”

Jennifer has no intention of meeting Ronald until she hears him say the quote above. When he says it, she can tell he is sincere. He looks confused and she believes that his intentions in wanting to speak with her are healthy. The fact that he wants to hear it in her own words also means that Ronald is willing to give her the benefit of the doubt: he does not want to assume what anyone else thinks or feels but to give everyone a chance to tell their own story.

“I’m not angry at you. I don’t want you to spend the rest of your life looking over your shoulder, thinking I’m out to get you, or harm your family. If you look, I’m not going to be there. All I want is for us all to go on and have a happy life.”

After he forgives Jennifer, Ronald’s concern is that she feels safe and can be at ease. She can tell that his forgiveness is not conditional or grudging. After they are done talking, she realizes that this is the first time she has ever truly understood what forgiveness is. He does not just want to move on—he wants them all to move on.

“Ronald gave me something that eluded me in the thirteen years since that sweltering summer night: the gift of forgiveness—not because I deserved it, but because that’s what grace is all about. It was the real beginning of my journey back.”

To an outsider, it might have looked like Jennifer had recovered. She had a happy marriage, lovely children, and was no longer in danger. But inside she had suffered from the guilt over her mistake. Ronald’s forgiveness allows her to forgive herself and to finally begin her true recovery.

“I was keenly aware that if the evidence had been lost, Ronald would still be in prison. Rave, this other miracle of DNA, would never have been born.”

When Jennifer meets Ronald’s daughter, she realizes that she was almost the cause of this baby never having been born. Because Ronald was wrongfully convicted, not only his life was suspended but all of the lives in the future that he would potentially help shape, influence, or create. The baby makes Jennifer more grateful than ever that her mistake was discovered.

“How many women still feel that way? No wonder so many women do not prosecute, with their lives opened up like wounds. For some, the only way is to bury it. They do their best to pretend it never happened.”

After speaking to a woman who blames herself for her own rape, Jennifer contemplates the reasons why so many rapes go unreported. She has learned that rape affects people in different ways, but shame is an overlapping component of them all. She has learned that trying to stifle emotions comes at a great psychological cost but understands why some women are never able to talk about their experiences.