Lost in the Sun

The impact of guilt and the path to self-forgiveness are two heavily linked concepts throughout the novel as Trent struggles against his overwhelming guilt about Jared Richards’s death. Trent understands that it was an accident but also thinks, “[A]ccident or not, Jared Richards died, and I was the reason, so what was the difference? Either way I killed him” (17). Trent feels that he is responsible for Jared’s death, regardless of his intentions, and he cannot move past this fact. This is demonstrated by how he fills his Book of Thoughts with pictures of Jared dying in unrelated accidents or doing “the stuff Jared might be doing that very second if [he] hadn’t hit him with that hockey puck” (40). Trent’s guilt occupies his thoughts almost all of the time, making it difficult for him to focus on other aspects of his life.

Trent explains his mindset to Fallon in Chapter 10 when she tries to assure him that he is not responsible for the accident. Trent doesn’t believe that it matters and explains, “Whether it was on purpose or not, I did something bad. Somebody died. And if I just…stop thinking about it, if I don’t even feel bad, then what? If you do something bad, you’re supposed to feel awful” (130). Ideas about right and wrong usually require that someone is punished when they do something wrong—since no one is responsible for Jared’s death, there are no consequences or punishments to be meted out. While Trent does not deserve to be punished, the absence of any kind of resolution leaves him mired in guilt, and he transforms these negative emotions into his punishment. Trent believes that he deserves to suffer because of the bad thing he’s done and worries about what moving on might look like when he feels he deserves guilt and misery. His mindset regarding how he’s supposed to feel about Jared’s death shows how his guilt stands in the way of his self-forgiveness.

Fallon gives Trent advice about his changing perspective. She suggests that Trent “can’t go on forever, thinking and worrying and feeling bad about something that just happened” and tells him to “[l]et it be over” (131). However, Trent struggles to apply this advice as his grief clouds his ability to see himself as others see him. In Chapter 9, Trent’s mom tells him that he’s being mean on purpose to give people “a reason to hate [him]” (110), an extension of his self-punishment. His mom wants him to show everyone how “good and kind and sweet” he is (110), but he no longer believes that he is that good person. Trent’s perspective shows how he has internalized what happened and decided that he’s now bad forever. Stuck in this self-loathing, he ends up in a vicious cycle, behaving in a way that reinforces his negative self-perception rather than taking steps toward healing.

By the end of the novel, Trent manages to push his guilt aside and push through the trauma that has held him back. Part of this occurs when others refuse to see him as bad—Ms. Emerson’s determination to like him more and Noah joining him in PE force Trent to see himself in a more positive light. He also moves through his guilt by acknowledging others’ innocence. In Chapter 21, Doug confesses that he feels guilty for suggesting that Trent play hockey that day. Trent advises Doug, “You couldn’t have known […] You didn’t do anything wrong” (239), advice he’s received before and ignored. By passing on the advice that others have given him, Trent shows that he’s willing to accept that the accident was completely out of control and let go of some of his guilt. Trent has grown to forgive himself, and in Chapter 25, he finally acknowledges that “[his] story [isn’t] over” (284). This shows that he has forgiven himself and no longer thinks that the accident defines him as a bad person forever. Trent’s journey develops the idea that guilt can negatively impact self-esteem and cloud one’s ability to grow and forgive oneself.