Look Me in the Eye: My Life with Asperger’s

As young engineering executives at Milton Bradley, Robison and his friend Bob encounter office politics, something Robison has never expected or experienced. A coworker steals Bob’s idea for the company’s Dark Tower game and gets the acclaim instead. Meanwhile, Robison is collaborating with his supervisor Klaus on a talking game; his job is to develop a system to transfer analog speech to digital. Their system works, and Robison is proud of the quality of his design.

In the late ’70s and early ’80s, Milton Bradley is on the cutting edge of electronic toy design, and the next big product is Microvision, the first hand-held electronic game console. It proves tremendously popular, and by Christmas, millions of units are on order. Shortly before Christmas, however, some units are returned defective. As Christmas approaches, the defective units skyrocket from 5% to 60%. No one can diagnose the problem, so Robison is tasked with it. He reads manufacturing and production books, and he talks to the production managers, but the answer still eludes him. Then he and Bob take Bob’s boat out to discuss the problem away from their stressful work environment. Staring out at the water, Robison has a sudden flash. The problem, he realizes, is static electricity (which increases as the weather gets colder). After modifying the game console with small bits of aluminum foil to dissipate the static, he solves the problem, saving the company “hundreds of thousands of dollars, maybe more” (204). He receives no credit or financial bonus.

A few months later he accepts a job as director of research and development with Simplex, a manufacturer of fire alarms and time clocks. He is climbing the corporate ladder, but with mounting concern, he realizes that his people skills are becoming more important than his engineering skills. He is not happy at Simplex, not with his staff’s work or with his own.

In 1982 Robison marries Little Bear. Two years later, he is laid off. Between the financial pressures and the sudden death of Little Bear’s brother, they begin to drift apart. By 1988, he’s gone through two more jobs, and he’s grown tired of the corporate world. He lacks the people skills to communicate effectively as an executive. His performance reviews say he’s “rude” and “not a team player” (205). He realizes he’s a square peg trying to fit into a round hole, and he doesn’t want to do it anymore.

In Chapter 22 Robison charts his gradual trajectory from introverted, creative genius to “normal,” functional adult. He cites the writing of Temple Grandin, professor of animal science and renowned autism advocate, as well as Daniel Tammet’s Born on a Blue Day, for giving him a sense of kinship and community. He discusses the science of neuroplasticity, or how the brain rewires itself as we learn new things and forget old ones, and relates it to his own life. He notes an inverse relationship between his savant-like ability to focus on abstract ideas and his ability to relate to people. As one increases, the other diminishes. At the time of writing, he feels he’s lost his creative genius. He can no longer design the creative circuits he did 25 years ago but feels his increased people skills have been a worthwhile tradeoff. He also imagines what his life would be like if he hadn’t had adults who drew him out of his shell when he was a boy. He fears he might have retreated into that shell forever and “ceased to communicate” (210). Robison is troubled by the way people with autism are often portrayed, as preferring isolation to social engagement. This is untrue, he asserts. He always wanted to be part of a group, but he never knew how.

Still unhappy in the corporate world, Robison decides to call it quits, searching for an option that will allow him to revisit one of his great passions: cars. In 1989 he leaves his job and becomes an independent car dealer—buying used cars, fixing them, and reselling them. He realizes that working for himself has many advantages: There’s no commute, no fear of being fired, and perhaps most importantly, Robison can be himself. He chooses to work on high-end cars, and his business soon develops a reputation for fixing expensive cars with difficult problems. Along the way, his ability to relate to people grows, and he finds himself fulfilled, finally able to express himself emotionally. One day he is asked to join the board of corporators at his local bank. After so many years, he feels part of the local community rather than an outcast.

In 1990 Robison and Little Bear have a son. His legal name is Jack, but Robison, who has trouble with names, calls him “Cubby.” He compulsively studies Cubby in the hospital, making sure he can distinguish him from the other babies “so [he] could tell if [he] had the right kid next time [he] saw him” (220). He fears Cubby will inherit his Asperger’s, so he tries to socialize him by carrying him around and showing him to people on the street. He hopes that by exposing him to others, Cubby will learn at an early age to feel comfortable in social situations.

His parenting methods are unorthodox. He grows tired of reading the same children’s books, so he modifies the words to keep himself entertained: “See them all/See them run/The man in back/He has a gun” (224). He cultivates his son’s interest in Legos and trains; he takes him to the aquarium. They drive to the waterfront and watch the cranes unload shipping containers from the freight ships. Robison tells his son that Santa works on the docks during the off season and that the ships are manned by elves. Santa, he says, steals toys from the shipping containers and sells them on the black market. On the way home from the docks, he takes Cubby to a dive bar populated by “some bikers, some truckers, some dock workers, a pimp and two hookers” (230). He continues his wild Christmas tale, claiming that Santa has “a drinking problem, and he can’t help himself” (230). He admits that the image of a drunk Santa is “disturbing.”

Robison cites some evidence suggesting Asperger’s traits may be hereditary, so he keeps a close watch on Cubby for warning signs. When he sees his son exhibit behavior he recognizes from his own childhood, he tries to intervene and correct it. His son, who is 17 at the time Robison writes his memoir, is more socially well-adjusted than Robison was. He has his father’s gift for math and pyrotechnics, but he also has a group of friends he interacts with, something his father never had.