I'm Glad My Mom Died

Jennette gets a call from her “Whole team,” which always means very good news or very bad news (449). One of her agents informs her that her Netflix show is canceled. Jennette responds with an unaffected acceptance. Relieved by her even response, the agent tells her that they can now set her up for new auditions. Jennette declines, and says she has no interest in taking on a new role. The call becomes awkward as her wishes become clear. Jennette sees this call as an end to her career and feels at peace with her choice to live for herself outside of her eating disorder and acting.

Two years later, Jennette and Miranda go to Disneyland to celebrate her 26th birthday. Jennette acknowledges that she partly wants to go to Disneyland because it’s not about food, but she is accepting of this fact. Her recovery process has allowed her to forgive herself for not being perfect and recognize her difficulties with food while celebrating her progress. While she still occasionally throws up her food, it is infrequent enough that she no longer fits the diagnostic criteria for bulimia. As part of her recovery, she told Miranda about her eating disorder, which has introduced a new challenge. Before, she handled the disorder on her own, but sharing it with someone else is frightening. She fears that she will disappoint Miranda when she has slips. Jennette and Miranda eat at Disneyland, and Jennette laments that “eating disorder brain” (457) prevents her from being able to be fully present. Everything comes second to unhealthy thoughts and guilt surrounding food. She goes to the bathroom to throw up but convinces herself not to. While her mother never recovered, she feels determined that she will.

While at an industry event in Los Angeles, Jennette steps outside to eat a chocolate chip cookie. She reflects on how impossible it would have been to eat something like this when she felt powerless under the influence of her eating disorder. While recovery is still difficult in some ways, it is also easier because she is facing her issues instead of trying to run away from them. It is a kind of difficulty she is proud of. She turns around and sees Dwayne “the Rock” Johnson,” who she saw years previously at the ill-fated Nickelodeon red carpet. She wonders if he remembers her or was aware of how much she was struggling. She wonders if he knows the significance of that chocolate chip cookie and goes back to enjoying eating it.

Jennette receives a call from Miranda. Enough time has passed that they haven’t spoken in some time, but as soon as they get on the phone together, they laugh and feel at ease. Jennette knows that Miranda is calling because she wants Jennette to come on board the iCarly reboot. Miranda is well-intentioned and believes that this will help everyone’s career. Jennette understands but tells Miranda that her mental health and well-being are more important than anything this reboot could do for her career. Jennette feels proud of how she has advocated for herself.

Jennette visits her mother’s grave. The headstone is filled with adjectives to describe her because the family couldn’t agree on which ones to omit. Jennette has not visited the grave since her mother’s last birthday, and her visits have been increasingly infrequent. Before her mother’s death, she had promised to visit every day. As she sits by her mother’s grave, she thinks about the pedestal that she put her mother on, and the damage that had. She expresses the trauma that her mother put her through; she acknowledges that her mother was a narcissist who abused her and stole her childhood (468). Her negative relationship with her body can be attributed to her mother, and she cannot understand why she was never told about her real father. At the same time, she misses and loves her mother. She could be happy, energetic, and loving. Jennette realizes that if her mother were still alive, she would still be manipulating her, and it does no good to glorify the dead. She walks away, knowing she won’t visit the grave again.