If Only I Had Told Her

Autumn discusses feeling disconnected from her body and the pregnancy with Dr. Singh, and he questions her about her physical health. When she assures him that she is taking care of herself, he tells her, “[I]t sounds to me like you are loving this fetus as much as you can” (342).

Autumn is at a maternity appointment. At the next appointment, there will be an organ scan, and this reminds Autumn that there could be something wrong with the baby. Moreover, even if the baby is born healthy, both she and Autumn will eventually die. Autumn hopes that the baby outlives her. After Autumn leaves the appointment, Claire and Angelina ask her what she is thinking, and she shares with them. Claire says the organ scan will be fine, but Autumn knows that Angelina’s presence reminds her of how quickly things can go awry.

Autumn, Angelina, and Claire are shopping for a crib. Autumn has made some decisions about how she wants to raise the baby. While Claire is finishing the purchase and setting up delivery, Autumn shares her assumption that her father is paying. Angelina tells her that the person paying is Finn’s father, John. Claire wants to discuss this in private, so they return to Autumn and Claire’s house, where Angelina admits she told John about the pregnancy. John established a trust fund for Finn because he felt guilty about abandoning his son. Though it is a fraught topic for Angelina, she wants Autumn to sue for access to the money. However, Angelina feels betrayed by Claire because she has colluded with John to convince him to provide money without a lawsuit. Claire apologizes, and both she and Angelina agree that Autumn should be the one to decide how to deal with Finn’s father.

Autumn goes to group therapy, where someone brings coffee. Autumn has a cup, and Brittaney defends her against another therapy patient. Brittaney shares that she had a baby die of brain cancer when the baby was a year old. What’s more, her boyfriend blamed her for it. At 13, Brittaney had been impregnated by the 19-year-old nephew of her foster mother, who was more concerned with how it would make her look than with Brittaney’s safety. Brittaney herself didn’t fully realize she was pregnant until the third trimester, so she continued smoking, which her boyfriend later claimed caused the child’s cancer. After hearing Brittaney’s story, Autumn does not feel her trauma is comparable. She does not speak at group therapy, but she listens, and the stories often resonate with her. Autumn’s mother is late picking her up, so Brittaney gives her a ride home. Autumn shares her anxiety about the baby, and Brittaney reassures her it is normal: “The world is going to fuck with your kid no matter what. All you can do is teach ‘em to brush their teeth and love themselves” (365). Autumn finds this simplicity extremely comforting, and it helps her feel less overwhelmed.

Autumn meets Finn’s father for dinner. John looks very similar to Finn, which is painful. Autumn asks John why he stayed away from Finn for the latter’s whole life, and John admits he did not want to risk being the terrible parent his own father was. He realized he wanted more with Finn when he married and had a daughter, and he bought Finn a car the following year. Last year, Finn met John’s wife and daughter, and John’s wife was cold to him. John regrets not speaking to Finn about this later. He tells Autumn that he does not want the trust fund to be a way of manipulating her into allowing him to have a relationship with the baby, so he gives her the paperwork to control the trust fund. His only request is that Autumn tell him about his son. Autumn finds out that John has been meeting with people who knew Finn, including his coach and teammates, and listening to their stories. Autumn and John decide to make a book with interviews and photographs for the baby.

Autumn has her ultrasound. Autumn is eating the candy that Finn got her; she has decided to eat a whole strip once per week as a treat for the baby. During the ultrasound, she sees the baby kick and realizes she has been feeling the baby move for weeks. Autumn cannot decide if she wants to know the sex of the baby. She realizes that “this baby isn’t what’s left over from [her and Finn’s] love story. This baby is [their] story’s continuation” (383). Autumn learns she is having a girl but that there is something wrong with the baby’s heart.

On Thanksgiving, Autumn is walking and thinking about the baby and Finn. The baby has a hole in her heart, which might be a problem or might be something she outgrows, and Autumn has not decided on a name yet. She, Claire, and Angelina have invited Jack to Thanksgiving dinner, and he is excited to come. Jack has started dating Sylvie and asked Autumn if that would be a problem, but Autumn assured him it would not. Autumn has also reached out to Jamie and Sasha—her ex-boyfriend and the mutual friend he cheated on Autumn with—to let them know that she forgives them for their infidelity but would rather they don’t contact her. She is determined to only surround herself with people who love Finn or who give her good advice.