I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times

Guzmán explores how openness functions in meaningful conversations across differences. She begins with a personal anecdote from 2003. While watching Kill Bill Volume 1 in a theater, she turned around during a pivotal scene and observed the audience’s unfiltered emotional reactions. This experience initiated her practice of studying genuine human responses in darkened movie theaters.

Guzmán argues that while complete transparency in human interaction would be detrimental, selective disclosure allows people to process their ideas privately before sharing them. The chapter presents four key strategies for fostering productive openness. The first, “showing your work,” involves revealing one’s thought process openly. Guzmán suggests that speakers can preface their thoughts with phrases such as “let me think out loud” (213) or take a moment to collect their thoughts before sharing them. The second strategy involves maintaining humility in conversations, avoiding dominating discussions or lecturing others. She illustrates this through an example of ineffective political dialogue between friends who simply traded opposing news articles rather than engaging in genuine discussion.

The third strategy focuses on addressing conversational problems promptly. Guzmán advocates for immediate acknowledgment when something feels wrong, comparing it to a referee throwing a flag in football. She describes how this technique proved effective during a crisis simulation at Harvard, in which a participant’s simple statement about discomfort successfully redirected an unproductive discussion.

The final strategy involves asking questions with genuine care. Guzmán introduces the “CARE” framework: Curious, Answerable, Raw, and Exploring. She emphasizes that truly curious questions aim to fill knowledge gaps rather than make statements or challenge others. The author provides examples from Braver Angels workshops, in which participants learned to strip assumptions from their questions about contentious political issues.

Guzmán emphasizes that productive conversations require containment and trust, noting that public conversations often inhibit honesty while private discussions facilitate more authentic exchanges. She advocates for directly acknowledging discomfort and being willing to pause or redirect discussions when needed, citing examples from various practitioners, including a pro-life advocate who carefully monitors conversational boundaries when discussing abortion with those holding opposing views.

Guzmán reflects on the Spanish word “convivir” (meaning to live together) as a framework for discussing social harmony beyond mere coexistence. This observation leads into her examination of bridging societal divides.

Guzmán describes her transition from maintaining professional distance as a journalist covering protests to a personal turning point at the 2017 Seattle Women’s March. When making a protest sign for this event, she contemplated the divisions between her conservative parents and liberal friends, leading her to consider broader questions about social polarization. Her response manifested in a sign bearing three words: Honesty, curiosity, and respect—principles she views as essential for meaningful dialogue in politically-charged environments.

The author frames current social divisions as both warning signs and opportunities, identifying two key aspects: These divisions force people to confront their complexities and contradictions while simultaneously generating increased desire for cross-community dialogue. This combination, she suggests, creates an ideal environment for developing new approaches to understanding different viewpoints.

The Epilogue concludes with practical guidance for bridging ideological divides. Guzmán advocates for engaging with opposing views, examining knowledge gaps, and approaching disagreements with genuine curiosity rather than confrontational intent. She emphasizes that maintaining connections proves more crucial than resolving all differences. The author frames her concluding message around perpetual learning, encouraging readers to seek perspectives that prompt new viewpoints. This approach, she argues, strengthens relationships across various social spheres, from family connections to broader civic engagement.