How to Win Friends and Influence People

Two-Gun Crowley was a ruthless cop-killer who finally was captured and sentenced to be executed. He went to the electric chair saying, “This is what I get for defending myself” (4). Criminal mastermind Al Capone insisted that all he was doing was providing the “lighter pleasures” to others. Gangland leader Dutch Schultz insisted he was a “public benefactor.” In general, people don’t criticize themselves; criticism “wounds a person’s precious pride, hurts their sense of importance, and arouses resentment” (5).

In the days following the Battle of Gettysburg, Union General Meade had General Lee’s army in his grasp; capturing them would end the war. President Lincoln sent Meade a message ordering him to attack, but Meade refused, and Lee’s troops escaped. Enraged, Lincoln wrote Meade a scathing condemnation, but he didn’t send it. Lincoln knew the scolding would make him feel better but cause a disaster with Meade, who had just witnessed some of the bloodiest fighting in the war.

Resentment of criticism can linger. Carnegie famous person requesting information on his work habits. His letter included a comment meant to impress but which merely insulted the recipient, who replied harshly. The author realized his mistake, but when the famous person died years later, the author’s first thought wasn’t sorrow but the sting of the man’s rebuke.

Ben Franklin learned early on never to criticize but always to point up people’s good attributes. Stunt pilot Bob Hoover barely escaped death in a vintage plane crash because of a mechanic’s mistake; he went to the mechanic, who already was in tears over the error, and, knowing the man would be extra-careful from now on, simply asked him to service another of his planes.

In a widely reprinted letter, “Father Forgets,” writer W. Livingston Larned pens a note to his young son, whom he’d persistently scolded for his youthful mistakes, and offers a heart-felt apology for being so strict instead of a warm and convivial father.

The first principle for winning friends and influencing people is: “Don’t criticize, condemn or complain” (16). 

The chief way of getting people to do what you want is to get them to want to do it. Threats and punishments get temporary results, but they also tend to backfire. Encouraging people’s desires works much better.

People crave to be appreciated and to be important. Lincoln’s self-taught law degree, Christopher Wren’s great architecture, Rockefeller’s millions, and our own desires for the latest styles, fancy cars, and brilliant offspring—help build civilization. Some people, though, gain importance by becoming famous criminals. Others, such as political leaders, want people to bow down to them. Still others get attention by becoming invalids. A few even become insane, lured by the feeling of importance their fantastical, unreal thoughts provide them.

If the need to feel important is this deep, expressing “honest appreciation” to others can do wonders. Steel magnate Charles Schwab attributed his success to inspiring his workers: “I am anxious to praise but loath to find fault” (23). Schwab also credited Andrew Carnegie, his early employer, with the same mindset.

Parents feed their families with food but forget to feed their hearts with appreciation. Some people complain that compliments are mere flattery, but flattery is “cheap praise” while appreciation is sincere. A well-placed compliment can do wonders.

The second principle is: “Give honest and sincere appreciation” (29). 

People want what they want, not what we want. If we can offer them what they desire, they’ll beat a path to our door: “the only way on earth to influence other people is to talk about what they want and show them how to get it” (31). We do this, not by urging or scolding, but by showing them how to get what they want.

Parents might be tempted to lecture their children on the perils of smoking, but it’s better simply to suggest, for example, that smoking might prevent them from making the sports team or winning the athletic contest. Everything people do, without exception, is so they can get what they want. Even contributing to a charity gives people the pleasure of helping others.

Carnegie uses an anecdote to explain. He booked a hotel ballroom for a series of lectures. On the eve of the first meeting, the hotel informed him that his rental fee would be tripled. Carnegie met with the manager; instead of arguing, he expressed his understanding that the manager was under great pressure to increase profits. Carnegie then wrote on a piece of paper a list of advantages and disadvantages to this new pricing schedule. Advantages: empty ballroom to rent to others at an increased price. Disadvantages: loss of 20 nights’ revenue, along with loss of free advertising because the crowd of attendees wouldn’t visit the beautiful hotel. The next day, the hotel informed the author that the price hike would be only 50%.

Carnegie never asked directly for a price break; instead, he saw things from the manager’s point of view and pointed out what would benefit him and what wouldn’t. People don’t want to hear about our problems; they want simply to solve theirs. Instead, empathizing with them and their wants generates results.

Companies sometimes send out letters to potential clients that extol the firm’s achievements, then ask for patronage. This neatly gets the effort backwards: people don’t care about how grand the firm is; they care whether it can benefit them. A much better approach is to begin such letters with appreciation for the recipient’s patronage, then a call to an action that benefits the recipient.

In general, arousing in others the desire for what you offer is much better than simply telling them you want to sell something to them. The point isn’t to manipulate others but to provide them with what they want; the result should benefit both parties.

Sometimes, children refuse to do what their parents want. One child wouldn’t eat much; scolding and urging had no effect. He also loved to ride his tricycle, but a neighborhood bully would pull him off the trike and ride it himself, and the boy’s mother would have to intervene. The boy’s father finally told him that, if he ate what his mother prepared, he would grow bigger and stronger and be able to fend off the bully. Inspired, the boy became an enthusiastic eater.

The third principle is: “Arouse in the other person an eager want” (47-48).