How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk

Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 1980

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Summary

Background

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Introduction-Part 1

Part 2

Part 3-Conclusion

Key Figures

Themes

Index of Terms

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Tools

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Discussion Questions

Part 3-ConclusionChapter Summaries & Analyses

Part 3, Chapter 6 Summary: “Freeing Children from Playing Roles”

In this chapter, the authors focus on the significant impact that labels and prescribed roles can have on children’s self-perception and behavior. The chapter begins with a personal story from one of the authors about a nurse who labeled her newborn son as “stubborn” after just a few seconds of life. This label, though seemingly innocuous at first, subtly influenced the way she perceived her child’s behavior over the years. The authors emphasize that even well-meaning labels can have long-lasting consequences, leading children to internalize these labels and act according to the roles they’ve been assigned.

Faber and Mazlish explore how children often get cast into roles by their parents, teachers, or peers, such as “the troublemaker,” “the shy one,” or “the bossy one.” These roles can begin innocently, perhaps from a single incident or comment, but can quickly become entrenched as the child begins to see themselves through the lens of these labels. The chapter illustrates how a child who is constantly told they are “bossy” may begin to act more controlling or demanding because they believe that’s who they are expected to be. The authors argue that this pattern inspires a self-fulfilling prophecy, where the child’s behavior aligns with the expectations set by the label.

To help children break free from these prescribed roles, the authors provide six practical strategies. First, they suggest that parents should look for opportunities to show the child a new picture of themselves, highlighting moments when the child behaves differently from their assigned role. Second, the authors recommend putting children in situations where they can see themselves in a new light. For example, if a child has been labeled as irresponsible, giving them a specific responsibility and praising their success can help shift their self-image.

Third, they suggest letting children overhear positive comments about themselves. When a child accidentally hears their parent describing them as “thoughtful” or “creative” to someone else, it can have a powerful impact on their self-perception. This indirect praise often feels more genuine and less forced than direct compliments, making it more likely to be internalized.

Fourth, Faber and Mazlish encourage parents to model the behavior they want to see in their children. For instance, if parents want their child to be more patient, they should demonstrate patience themselves in challenging situations. Children often mirror the behaviors they observe in their parents, so modeling can be a subtle but effective way to influence a child’s behavior.

Fifth, the authors advise parents to be a storehouse for their child’s special moments. This involves keeping a mental or even a physical record of the times when the child behaved in ways that defy their assigned role. Reminding the child of these moments can help reinforce a more positive and expansive self-image.

Finally, when a child reverts to their old labeled behavior, the authors suggest stating your feelings and expectations instead of reinforcing the label. For example, if a child labeled as “disobedient” acts out, instead of saying, “There you go again” (213) a parent might communicate their expectations clearly and logically: “David, to people at a wedding, old jeans seem like a mark of disrespect. To them it’s as if you’re saying, ‘This wedding isn’t important!’” (217). This approach acknowledges the child’s ability to change rather than trapping them in their old role.

Throughout the chapter, the authors include real-life examples and parent testimonials that illustrate how these strategies can be applied. One parent, for instance, recounts how she shifted from labeling her son as a “liar” to helping him understand the importance of honesty, leading to more open communication between them. Another parent reflects on how her constant praise of her daughter as her “joy” might have inadvertently pressured her to suppress any negative feelings. By allowing her daughter to express a wider range of emotions, their relationship became more authentic.

The authors conclude by reiterating that by offering children new ways to see themselves, parents can help them break free from the limitations of these labels and encourage them to develop a more balanced and positive self-identity. They acknowledge that this process requires patience and consistency, but the long-term benefits for the child’s self-esteem and behavior are well worth the effort.

Part 3, Chapter 7 Summary: “Putting It All Together”

In the previous chapter, the authors emphasize the complexity and importance of integrating various parenting skills to free children from restrictive roles. The authors acknowledge that shifting a child’s role involves more than just changing behavior; it requires a comprehensive understanding of several skills, including managing feelings, promoting autonomy, offering praise, and providing alternatives to punishment. This chapter focuses on the idea that effective parenting goes beyond good intentions, demanding a thoughtful application of these skills.

To illustrate the difference between well-meaning but unskilled parenting and more skillful approaches, Faber and Mazlish present two scenarios involving a mother and her seven-year-old daughter, Susie, who is playing out the role of “The Princess.” In the first scene, the mother tries to manage Susie’s demanding behavior with affection and logic, but without the necessary skills, the situation quickly escalates into conflict. Susie becomes increasingly stubborn, refusing to pick up her belongings and lashing out when her mother denies her request for a sleepover. The mother, caught off guard, eventually resorts to physical discipline, followed by guilt and a concession to Susie’s demands. This scene highlights how love and good intentions, when not paired with effective communication skills, can lead to frustration and negative outcomes.

In the second scenario, the same mother uses a more skillful approach, applying the principles discussed throughout the book. When Susie complains about receiving a blue notebook instead of a red one, the mother first acknowledges Susie’s disappointment, then expresses her own expectation for gratitude, saying, “When I go out of my way to buy something special for my daughter, what I’d like to hear is: ‘Thanks, Mom’” (229). This approach acknowledges both Susie’s feelings and the mother’s expectations, setting a respectful tone for the interaction.

As the scene progresses, Susie asks to have her friend sleep over, but the mother, using a firm but empathetic approach, offers Susie alternatives that meet both their needs. When Susie becomes upset and throws her coloring book, the mother calmly asserts her displeasure with the behavior, encouraging Susie to express her feelings with words instead of actions. This approach not only de-escalates the situation but also teaches Susie a more constructive way to handle disappointment. Ultimately, Susie accepts the situation and even takes responsibility by calling her friend to reschedule the sleepover.

The contrast between the two scenes demonstrates how the effective use of parenting skills can prevent power struggles and help children behave in ways that are more cooperative and self-regulated. The authors emphasize that while it would be ideal to always respond to our children with such skill, real-life parenting is more complicated and doesn’t allow for rehearsals or perfect responses. However, by understanding and internalizing these principles, parents can develop a reliable framework that guides them through daily challenges, helping them to stay on course even when they momentarily falter.

The chapter concludes with a powerful reminder that parents, like children, should not be confined to roles. It’s important for parents to view themselves as individuals with the capacity for growth and change rather than labeling themselves as “good” or “bad” parents based on momentary successes or failures. The process of parenting is demanding and requires both compassion for the child and self-compassion. Just as children deserve countless chances to learn and grow, parents, too, must allow themselves the grace to make mistakes, learn, and continue improving.

Conclusion Summary: “What’s It All About, Anyway?”

In the final section, Faber and Mazlish reflect on the overarching goals of the communication methods they have shared throughout the book. They acknowledge the challenges involved in learning new principles, practicing new skills, and breaking old habits, while encouraging readers not to lose sight of the broader purpose behind these efforts.

The authors emphasize that the core of this communication approach is fostering positive relationships where everyone involved—parents and children alike—can feel good about themselves. The ultimate aim is to live together without blame or recrimination, to be more sensitive to each other’s feelings, and to express negative emotions like irritation or anger in ways that don’t cause harm.

The authors emphasize respect—both for the children’s needs and for the parents’ own needs—as a key component to achieve the goal of raising children who are caring, responsible, and capable of healthy communication. The authors hope that by adopting these methods, parents can break the cycle of unhelpful communication passed down through generations and instead pass on a legacy of respectful, empathetic, and effective communication skills that their children can carry forward into their own lives and relationships.

Part 3-Conclusion Analysis

In this section, the authors use narrative techniques, real-life examples, hypothetical scenarios and personal anecdotes to illustrate the broader psychological concepts they discuss. For example, Chapter 6 opens with a personal anecdote from one of the authors, referring to the nurse labeling her newborn as “stubborn” and how this label persisted in the author’s mind despite her better judgment. Using a personal lens to establish trust between author and reader, this anecdote helps communicate the authors’ key message about how easily and unconsciously labels can be assigned.

The authors continue to employ hypothetical situations to emphasize the importance of Fostering Mutual Respect and Understanding between parents and children. For example, in Chapter 6, the authors refer to a hypothetical scenario that highlights the impact of parental attitudes on children’s self-perception. By asking readers to imagine themselves in the shoes of a child, as in the puzzle-solving scenarios, the authors demonstrate how different parental responses can either reinforce or challenge a child’s negative self-concept. This technique of shifting perspective allows readers to viscerally experience the consequences of labeling, thereby deepening their understanding of the subject matter.

To further bring these concepts to life, the authors use dramatized scenarios that allow the reader to experience them as they would a scene from a play. For instance, in Chapter 7, they include two distinct dramatizations to illustrate the difference between a parent who reacts with emotion and one who uses the skills discussed in the book. This narrative device offers a direct comparison, allowing readers to see the immediate impact of different approaches. In the first scene, the mother’s responses are reactive, driven by frustration and an attempt to placate her daughter, Susie. The use of dialogue in this scene is carefully crafted to depict a parent who is overwhelmed and lacking in strategies, allowing readers to experience the negative impact of these tactics in real time. For example, the mother’s response, “Well . . . Maybe I can go back later” (227), shows her wavering, susceptible to her daughter’s manipulation. In the second dramatization, the authors demonstrate how the same mother, equipped with the right skills, handles the situation differently. The dialogue here is more measured and reflective of the techniques the authors have been advocating throughout the book. For instance, the mother’s response, “Susie, when I go out of my way to buy something special for my daughter, what I’d like to hear is: ‘Thanks, Mom’” (229), is an example of how the mother asserts her own feelings and expectations without resorting to blame or frustration. This use of direct, descriptive language is a key technique the authors promote, as it encourages clear communication and mutual respect between parent and child.

The authors make extensive use of dialogue, both real and imagined, to illustrate The Importance of Effective Communication Between Parents and Children and the subtle yet profound effects of language on a child’s self-image. For instance, in Chapter 6, the father’s conversation with his son about making amends after picking the neighbor’s tulips serves as a model for how parents can address problematic behavior without reinforcing negative labels. The specificity of the language used in these dialogues is deliberate, showing readers the importance of choosing words that affirm a child’s potential rather than limiting it.

The chapters’ structure in this section is carefully crafted to guide readers from recognition of the problem to actionable solutions. For example, in Chapter 6, the skills for freeing children from roles are presented systematically, with each skill accompanied by practical examples that show how they can be applied in everyday situations. The authors employ assignments and reflective exercises in this section to encourage readers to retain and apply the techniques presented. For instance, in Chapter 6, by encouraging parents to introspect and identify the roles their children may have been cast into, the authors foster a sense of accountability and active participation.

The repetition and reinforcement used by the authors throughout the section further facilitates such retention and application. For example, in Chapter 7, by revisiting characters from their previous work, Liberated Parents/Liberated Children, the authors create a sense of continuity and deepen the reader’s connection to the material. This technique also reminds readers that the concepts in this book are part of a broader framework for effective parenting. The reference to “The Princess” role that Susie plays is a nod to the recurring theme of children adopting roles based on parental responses—a theme that has been explored throughout the book. In the last section of the book; “What’s It All About, Anyway?” the authors use repetition, beginning multiple sentences with “We want to find a way,” emphasizing the intentional and aspirational nature of the communication methods they advocate (233). This repetition not only reinforces the key objectives—such as living without blame, being sensitive to feelings, and breaking the cycle of unhelpful communication—but also creates a rhythmic cadence that drives home the significance of these goals. The consistent use of “we” also fosters a sense of shared purpose, reminding parents that they are not alone in their efforts; rather, they are part of a broader community striving toward similar ideals.

Lastly, the chapters in this section conclude with a reflective discussion and tone, leaving parents with thoughts to ponder. For instance, Chapter 6 concludes with a thoughtful discussion among parents about the lasting impact of positive reinforcement received in their own childhoods. This narrative device reinforces the chapter’s core message by showing that the way we speak to children can have enduring effects on their self-concept and behavior. The closing sentiment, “Never underestimate the power of your words upon a young person’s life” (225) encapsulates the chapter’s overarching theme and leaves the reader with a strong, memorable takeaway. Chapter 7 concludes with a similarly reflective tone, encouraging parents to be compassionate with themselves as they navigate the challenges of parenting. The authors’ reminder not to cast themselves into rigid roles—such as “good parent” or “bad parent”—is a crucial literary device that ties the entire book’s message together. This meta-commentary on the reader’s role as a parent mirrors the advice the authors give about children, allowing parents to apply similar techniques to themselves. By humanizing the parenting journey, the authors acknowledge that perfection is unattainable and growth an ongoing process.

However, while the book emphasizes a collaborative and empathetic approach to parenting, some critics argue it doesn’t fully account for situations where children need firmer boundaries or where cultural differences might affect the implementation of these strategies. Thus, its application may require significant adaptation depending on individual circumstances and parenting styles.