Home Is Not a Country

In “Airport,” Nima remembers how once, adorned in a headscarf, her mother was turned away at the check-in counter despite having a ticket. After retreating, Nima overhears the workers joke that they would never let a “mohammed” near a plane. As a result, they do not travel anymore. In “Mama,” Nima says that her mother is usually tired and sad, but on good days, they listen to music together.

The next poem, “Haitham,” describes Nima’s best friend as joyful with a big laugh. In “Pyramids,” Nima is teased in Arabic class for singing an old song. She struggles to belong among her “so-called people” because she is not Americanized enough. However, with “Haitham,” Nima feels like there is nothing wrong with her because their time together is filled with laughter and chatter.

Nima talks with Mama Fatheya, Haitham’s grandmother, about “home,” by which she means Sudan. In a nod to the poem’s title, “An Illness,” the elder woman dubs nostalgia a disease and complains that their culture idolizes the past. Mama Fatheya misses her homeland, but because she lost so much there, the memories are complex and painful. Nima, although she has never been there, misses it too.

In another poem called “Haitham,” he and Nima watch old movies, quoting lines and singing. Next, Nima describes Haitham’s mother, “Khaltu Hala.” (Khaltu means auntie.) In photographs, the woman looks different, with long hair. Her apartment is filled with books, and she seems confident. However, they never talk of the past in her presence. Once, when Nima sings an old song, Hala demands she leave, later apologizing with a pearl ring. Nima’s mother shares that back home, Hala’s hair was shorn by officers and that she bears scars on her back, so she tries to forget those days.

Even though stories like Hala’s are painful, Nima expresses in “Mama” that she wants to hear more. She learns that her mother wanted to be a dancer and that Nima was supposed to be named Yasmeen, but the idea died with her father. Already sensing that Yasmeen would have been better than her, in “Overheard,” Nima listens to a guest, Khaltu Amal, scorn Nima and her name. Staring in the mirror, Nima sees a plain face.

Next, Nima’s “Mama” seems quiet and lonely. Musing, Nima looks through pictures in “The Photographs,” envisioning her mother’s world before America. She decides that Aisha was well-loved, always happy, and never lonely. Nima misses her father and her home country, even though she has never seen either. However, there are moments of joy like in “Overheard” when Aisha, Hala, and Nima laugh over Hala’s white turkey chili.

In “Another Life” Nima dreams that her father never gets into the car that causes his death and that the family is together back home. Nima imagines what her father could have been in “Baba”: singer, artist, athlete, scientist, writer, movie star. No matter what she pictures, they are always a happy family.

When Nima and Haitham sing in “Haitham,” Mama Fatheya admonishes them because the jinn, or spirits, might arrive while the border between the two worlds is thinnest. This scares Nima. She is also intimidated by Haitham’s school friends in “Boys” and she keeps her distance from him. She wishes to be Yasmeen, a girl the boys are drawn to. On nights her mother works late, Nima dresses up in “The Mirror,” pretending to be Yasmeen, or dances to music in “Videos.”

The next two poems, titled “English,” reveal that Haitham and others learn English by talking to people while Nima learns through television and radio. When she speaks to Haitham, though, they mix English and Arabic. When she is bumped by classmates at school, one apologizes while the other claims that Nima cannot speak English. On “Halloween,” Nima comments sarcastically about a boy’s ghost costume. Angry, the boy claims he is dressed as her mom, a “terrorist,” while another boy twists a sweater over his head claiming to be her dad, also a “terrorist.” Although Haitham defends her, Nima feels shame and imagines herself flickering transparently like a ghost herself.

In “Mama,” after the incident at the airport, Nima wonders why her mother continues to wear headscarves. When Aisha insists that the men at the airport are wrong, Nima wonders if this is true. Alone in the apartment in “Yasmeen,” Nima sees a shimmering girl who looks like her. Remembering Mama Fatheya’s warnings about jinn, Nima demands that the spirit girl go away. Later, Nima tries to tell her mother about the ghostly figure but instead shares that she was called a “terrorist” at school.

In “Haitham,” Nima peppers her friend with questions about jinn, but when he laughs, she gets angry and says mean things. Back home, in “Bathtub,” Nima replays the argument, ashamed and regretful. When her hands flicker ghostlike, she thinks Haitham is correct to call her weird. At school, Haitham will not even look at her, leaving Nima to go days without speaking to anyone. Although sad, she cannot apologize, and, later, her arm is translucent again.

Nima seeks solace from her mother in “Advice.” Aisha suggests that Nima talk to her friend. In “Calling Haitham,” Nima speaks with his grandmother instead, and eventually, she asks if jinn are real. Mama Fatheya says yes and tells Nima about rumors that Nima was a twin, but her sister did not survive in the womb. As a result, in “Jinn,” Nima wonders more about Yasmeen and if she, Nima, is fading from the real world, for in “Boys” and in “Arabic Class,” Haitham continues to ignore her. She feels completely alone.

In “The Headscarf,” Nima’s mother stops wearing hers. Although not stated, it is implied that her actions are a result of 9/11. That day, Nima is attacked by a group of boys, who call her a “terrorist.” Eventually, Nima fights back. In “The Office,” Nima is suspended too, even though she was the victim. Sitting “Outside the Office,” Nima listens to parents complain about her and witnesses the principal placate them while she waits for Mama Fatheya. At home, with a ripped shirt, bloodied nails, and anger bubbling over, Nima lashes out at her mother.

Eventually in “Ghosts,” her mother insists on an explanation. Lying, Nima claims she fought another girl, and Aisha scolds her. When Nima sees ghost Yasmeen flicker in the corner, she retorts that she has two ghost parents because her mother is never there. In “The Silence” that follows, neither Nima nor her mother speak. Nima feels as if she does not belong in this world, for her body shimmers and feels like static. Repeatedly, Nima declares her readiness to go to the other side, but her body becomes solid again.

In “Alone,” Nima misses both her mother and Haitham. Although Aisha does not speak, she leaves food for Nima. In “Mama,” Nima practices an apology to her mother. The repeated “sorries” are not just about the argument they had but also about how Nima feels like the wrong daughter. Nima decides that her mother deserves Yasmeen instead, so she calls to the girl, but gets no response. When Nima’s mother returns in “Haitham,” the girl attempts her apology but is interrupted by the news that Haitham has been hospitalized. In “The Bus,” Nima and her mother go to see him. When the girl reaches for her mother’s hand, a bump jolts them apart.