Give and Take: A Revolutionary Approach to Success

Grant describes two different ways to achieve influence: through dominance or through prestige. Both approaches, he says, are closely connected to reciprocity styles. Most takers opt for dominance; they use their power and authority to assert control over others and get what they want. They use what Grant calls “powerful communication”: They take up space, speak loudly, and use assertiveness, confidence, and even anger to achieve their goals. By contrast, givers tend to be more adept at “powerless communication,” a more vulnerable style of communication that can express hesitation and doubt through uncertain and tentative language and that leaves room for input from others. 

The rest of the chapter explores the effectiveness of powerless communication in four areas: presenting, selling, persuading, and negotiating.

Grant argues that powerless communication can be highly effective when presenting, especially in situations where the audience is skeptical. As an example, he recounts the experiences of Dave Walton, a lawyer who won a case against a powerful, well-established opponent by inadvertently using powerless communication. Walton has a stutter, and his speech is often characterized by hesitations and pauses. Walton believes his stutter humanized him in the eyes of the jury.

As another example, Grant tells the story of when he gave a talk to colonels in the US Air Force. Grant was very young at the time, teaching men twice his age. He initially tried to impress the audience by asserting his credentials and establishing his authority, but the colonels were resistant to learning from him. When he used powerless communication to acknowledge his youth and lack of experience, the colonels became much more receptive to his teachings. Grant links these findings to the “pratfall effect,” which suggests that making oneself appear more vulnerable can actually increase likability. Mistakes and admissions of vulnerability can humanize a presenter and endear them to an audience. Grant notes that this only works in cases where the person is highly competent; in these cases, the pratfall effect makes the person seem more approachable to the audience. Otherwise, if someone of average competence makes a mistake, the audience tends to like the person less.

In the context of selling, Grant contends that powerless communication leads to better sales. Givers who use powerless communication are more likely to listen to customers’ needs and concerns, which builds trust and rapport. By asking questions, they learn about the customers and come to understand their desires and pain points. Moreover, people will come away from a conversation with a giving-oriented seller feeling like they’ve had a great conversation, even if they spent most of it talking, because people generally love to talk about themselves.

When it comes to persuasion, Grant argues that talking tentatively can be effective. Powerless communication makes the communicator less threatening to the receiver, making the receiver more open to their suggestions if they’d otherwise be guarded. In these cases, the communicator conveys through their communication style that they are not trying to infringe on the receiver’s authority.

Lastly, in the context of negotiation, Grant claims that powerless communication can come in handy. Specifically, asking for advice can be a powerful way for an individual to influence people in situations where they don’t have authority. This is because asking for advice leads to four outcomes: “learning, perspective-taking, commitment, and flattery” (151). When someone asks for advice, they learn more about the situation, they cause the other person to adopt their perspective and feel committed to finding a solution, and they show respect and deference for the other person’s expertise.