Flamer

“We have lots of talks, and (my mom) encourages me all the time, but sometimes she asks me for advice, and I don’t know what to say. Especially when she talks about problems with my dad, which happens a lot. And on the rare occasion my father actually speaks to me, it’s usually to complain about Mom.”

This quote is accompanied by a full-page image of Aiden drowning in his mother’s tears. The combination of text and image conveys how Aiden is completely overwhelmed by the situation at home. He doesn’t have answers for the problems in his own life, let alone his mom’s. His home doesn’t feel like a safe place because of his parents’ constant conflicts, and makes things that much more difficult.

“I’m not as strong, but I have good form. Elias powers us through the water, but my paddle guides the canoe, and I’m really good at turning quickly.”

Throughout the text, Aiden frequently compares himself to others unfavorably. However, when he is removed from others’ prejudice and alone with Elias, who is kind and accepting, Aiden is better able to see his own value. Rather than comparing himself to Elias and feeling inadequate because he isn’t as strong, he recognizes that he has technical ability that complements Elias’s skills and makes them a good team.

“It’s pretty cool ‘cause we’re all singing together, and it’s like we all have one voice. It makes me feel like I’m a part of something.”

Almost everything about school and camp life makes Aiden feel like an outsider, so anything that makes him feel included is important. However, this campfire scene also foreshadows a later one in which he does a valley girl impression and is laughed at. Campfire singing is meaningful to Aiden, which makes it that much more devastating when his feeling of belonging is taken away.

“I wonder how many people would show up at my funeral. My family. And Violet. Would hardly anyone come? Or maybe it would be like Catie’s funeral and all my classmates and teachers would show up. Maybe they would cry.”

Aiden’s musings about his hypothetical funeral foreshadows his suicidal ideation at the end of the novel. He also indicates how focused he is on other people’s perception of him. He believes that if more people showed up, like at Catie’s funeral, that it would reflect his value and worth as a person. By the end of the novel, he has learned to stop thinking this way and find his self-worth from inside himself, rather than from others.

“So...she’s your girl?”

“She’s not ‘my girl,’ we’re just friends.”

“So...you’re trying to get with her?”

“No.”

“’Kay...whatever. A guy can’t just be friends with a girl.”

Ryan exemplifies the toxic masculinity that pervades almost all aspects of life in the novel’s depiction of the Boy Scouts. Ryan is incapable of seeing girls as anything other than an object of desire to be possessed or pursued. This is also why Aiden’s “differences” bother some of the boys so much—he calls into question deeply held beliefs that form core parts of their identity. However, when pressed, the logic behind these beliefs falls apart or simply isn’t there, and this makes them extremely uncomfortable.

“It’s always when I’m not actually thinking about how different I am that someone reminds me I’m totally abnormal. […] I’m aways checking the other box. And I’m so over it.”

These lines explore the theme of Growing Up as Someone Deemed “Other.”

The novel suggests that the idea of what is “normal” in a culture is socially constructed—there is nothing inherently or objectively normal, only what people agree on. Aiden’s experience of being made to feel abnormal exemplifies this; he only feels abnormal when other people tell him that he is.

This quote also reveals how society excludes those who don’t fit with a culture’s dominant norms, its values, behaviors, and preferences. It shows the impact of this exclusion: As a result of being ostracized, Aiden feels self-hatred, isolation, and inadequacy so severe that he becomes suicidal.

“Anyone else?”

“Hmmm...no, not really. But...if I were a girl...I would like Elias."

“Uh...what?”

Aiden wants to be himself but also wants to hide parts of who he is. As he builds deeper bonds with his friends, he feels comfortable enough that he drops his guard. In these moments, his friends don’t know how to respond. Here, and later when Aiden kisses Elias, even his friends who support him stumble. The aggressively anti-gay culture they exist in gives them no guidance on how to respond outside of bullying.

“I know I’m not gay. Gay boys like other boys. I HATE boys. They are mean and scary, and they’re always destroying something or saying something dumb or both. We learned at school how bad homosexuality is. It’s a sin. Gay people do bad things. And I’m not a bad person. I try to do good. All the time. So I couldn’t be gay.”

This quote embodies the issue at the heart of the novel. Aiden struggles with accepting that he is gay because the world constantly tells him that being gay is wrong. It is also incomprehensible to Aiden that he could like boys when there is so little that he connects with in their toxic displays of masculinity, and when they so frequently mistreat and abuse him. This passage highlights Aiden’s informal voice throughout the text. True to an adolescent, he uses all caps—“HATE”—and simple, conversational language. The short, declarative sentences and sentence fragment add to the conversational tone: “I try to do good. All the time.”

“I read in a book once that ‘faggot’ actually refers to a bundle of sticks. In medieval times, homosexuals were burned alive at the stake. As if they were human firewood. I can’t image dying like that. But then, I can’t imagine how much hotter the flames of hell would be.”

The etymology of the above slur provides context for understanding why it is so harmful—it suggests that gay people do not have the right to exist and should burn. It also illuminates the novel’s title, which is a slur stemming from this etymology. As a story about Self-Acceptance in the face of overwhelming hatred, the title is a call to the LGTBQ community to reclaim hurtful words like “flamer” and to wear their identities with pride.

“[Masturbation] felt good, but then I felt really guilty about it. I knew watching porn was against the rules, so this new feeling had to be a sin. And now here I am in this tent full of people jerking off, and I feel like I’m in moral danger.”

Catholicism adds another layer of complexity to the changes experienced in adolescence, as well as inciting more of Aiden’s self-hatred. The concept of sin makes it very difficult for Aiden (and the other boys) to talk about sex-related things they have questions about. Instead, they resort to potentially traumatic behaviors like collectively masturbating under the threat of public humiliation as a form of sexual expression and exploration.

“Saint Sebastian was a Christian in ancient Rome who was tied to a tree and shot with arrows for his beliefs, but he survived. He went on to do many miracles...until he was beaten to death with clubs, finally becoming a martyr.”

Aiden identifies with Saint Sebastian because he feels persecuted too. This quote also highlights Aiden’s fraught relationship with the church. On the one hand, the church provides him with a sense of belonging and purpose, but on the other, it is hostile toward people like Aiden. At another point, Aiden mentions that Father Danilo had suggested to him that he try to become a priest, and that Aiden ignored this advice. He seems to realize that pursuing a life with the church would eventually mean being metaphorically “beaten to death with clubs” like Saint Sebastian.

“I prayed really hard for the Holy Spirit to make me holy, too. But when the bishop smeared that oil on my forehead...nothing happened.”

In his pursuit to find meaning, Aiden turns to the church. Given the church’s stance on homosexuality, he is looking in the wrong place. There is an irreconcilable tension at the heart of Aiden’s relationship with the church, manifesting as Aiden’s constant feeling that he isn’t holy enough. This is reflected most clearly when he doesn’t experience the “tongue of fire” (147) above his head after his confirmation like he hopes. However, the “tongue of fire” does appear after he finally learns to accept himself at the end of the novel—suggesting that his search for meaning needs to come from within.

“I also don’t want to play today because there’s no way I would risk being on the ‘skins’ team. Not only would I botch the most important volleyball game in the history of mankind, but my fat would be jiggling all over the place. I wish I had a perfect body like Elias.”

This exemplifies how Aiden compares himself to others and how this affects his body image. Because his body does not conform to societal beauty standards like Elias’s, Aiden worries about having to play with his shirt off. At this point, Aiden is still denying his feelings for Elias; his thinking about Elias’s body is filtered through insecurities about his own.

“[M]ost of the time my voice just attracts unwanted attention, which is why I don’t really talk much at school. It’s really hard to be invisible when you stick out so much, but I do my best.”

Because of the way that others abuse him, Aiden lives his life trying to blend into the background. The text portrays him as a kind, smart, and funny person, but his fear of attracting attention means he is forced to miss out on many experiences he would otherwise enjoy.

“I don’t get it. That’s so stupid. True North, Magnetic North, why are there two different norths?? Which one is right?”

“There is no ‘right’ north, really. This is all about figuring out how to get where you need to go. It’s not always straightforward. You have to figure out where you are in the world first, then adjust for setbacks to find your way. We all feel lost sometimes...”

While Ted initially helps Aiden orient his compass to find true north, that is not what either of them are really talking about. Aiden is confused about his feelings because the world has convinced him that being gay is wrong. Ted is gay and recognizes the struggle Aiden is going through. He provides Aiden the support and encouragement no one else has by telling him that there is no “right” way to be, and that he’ll eventually figure it out on his own.

“I wish I were cool like Ted. He’s different, but in a good way. Maybe I just need to update my look. Something bold that says ‘I’m different AND cool!’”

Encouraged by his talk with Ted, Aiden initially misunderstands what makes Ted “cool.” He assumes Ted’s coolness stems from his outer appearance, when in reality, it comes from inner peace and Self-Acceptance.

“Why does he need to be so different? It’s like he’s always trying to get people’s attention. It’s embarrassing.”

As Aiden has revealed earlier in the text, nothing could be further from what Mark is saying: The last thing Aiden wants is people’s attention, and he does everything in his power to remain invisible. Frustratingly for Aiden, people like Mark constantly highlight that he is different.

“Seriously, I always thought that joining the football team meant that you had to pass some kind of prick test. You would have totally failed.”

Ironically, Aiden makes a lot of stereotypical assumptions about Elias in the same way that people do about him. Elias provides something of an antidote to the toxic masculinity of most of the other boys: While he is the strongest and most athletic, he is also kind, considerate, and able to talk about his feelings.

“Aiden, why are you in such a bad mood lately? What do you have going on to be so glum about? […] You need to start thinking about all the good things you have in your life.”

Scoutmaster Jacob is clueless as to what is going on with Aiden; his advice comes from a position of privilege that makes it more harmful than helpful. It’s easy to tell someone to focus on the good stuff when one has never come up against Systemic Discrimination or depression, which can’t be wished away by positive thoughts.

“You’re lying if you’re telling me that none of us have made a dirty joke or even just talked about guys and gals in general.”

“Totally different! This guys a pervert. He could be teaching things to our kids. He could have touched some of them, and they’re too afraid to come forward!”

“This Ted guy wasn’t saying or doing anything sexual to the campers. Someone found a personal letter and outed him.”

“[…] No. Scouting doesn’t allow homos. It’s sick and immoral and prohibited in the bylaws, thank God.”

This discussion is held within earshot of Aiden, who is already experiencing a mental health crisis because of confusion over his identity. Hearing Scout leaders—people he ostensibly looks up to—act hateful is absolutely devastating and makes him feel more excluded and unwelcome than ever before. The revelation that there are actual bylaws against having gay Scout leaders also demonstrates how pervasive homoprejudice is a systemic issue.

“[O]h, hey, David. How’s your day?’ ‘Actually, my day sucks, too. Thanks for asking Aiden”

“God, what is your problem?”

“No, what’s your problem, huh? It’s like always ‘feel bad for Aiden’ day.”

“Jesus, leave me alone, will you?”

David is having a bad day and is frustrated that he feels the focus is always on Aiden’s feelings. As a result, David ends up feeling alienated when Aiden needs him the most. While Aiden is going through a real and legitimate crisis, David’s response is portrayed as valid too.

“They wouldn’t be [my friends] if they knew...They would hate me. Just like Elias Hates me!”

“You don’t know that. And Violet?”

“Violet has forsaken me. She never replied!!”

“It’s only been a few days. Give her time.”

Aiden’s state of mind impacts how he perceives the world. In this moment he’s incapable of seeing anything positive and jumps to the most negative conclusions without actual evidence. This type of thinking becomes self-perpetuating and is incredibly difficult to break free from during a mental health crisis.

“Even if all of them were to forsake you...you are enough.”

Aiden attains Self-Acceptance and learns not to base his self-worth on how other people treat him, the most important thing he learns in the novel. The significance of this moment is conveyed alongside imagery of a phoenix, suggesting that Aiden’s realization is equivalent to being born again.