Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars: A Dangerous Trans Girl's Confabulous Memoir

“Where are all the stories about swarthy-skinned robber trans girls waving tiny knives made of bone? About trans teenage witches with golden eyes who cut out their own hearts and lock them in boxes so that awful guys on the internet will never break them again? About trans girls who lost their father in the war and their mother to disease, and who go forth to find where Death lives and make him give them back?”

The narrator is reflecting on the popularity of conventional trans stories or memoirs that focus on pretty, white trans women who achieve a conventional, bourgeois standard of success. She expresses her frustration about the lack of stories about the other trans women, those that are doubly marginalized, who must rely on magic and violence to survive, and who challenge dominant power structures rather than assimilating into them.

“Picking locks is a glorious thing. To be able to open sealed doors is the greatest and most important kind of magic, because it allows you to interact with the world on your own terms.”

The narrator explains that she has become very adept at picking locks. This skill provides the door-opener with the ability to control the world around them, rather than being restricted or cut off. The ability to pick locks makes the whole world accessible. By referring to lock-picking as a “kind of magic,” the narrator also foreshadows how magic, from the impressive to the mundane, will be an essential component of her narrative.

“Except. Some of them stayed. Addicted to my sweet blood they crawled up inside my body and built their nests there. They are still inside me. They always will be.”

In this quote, the narrator is explaining that there is a swarm of angry bees that lives inside of her. They took up residence in her body after a night during which they came into her bedroom and attacked her. They serve as a noisy reminder of her trauma. Because of the intimacy of the attack and of the connection to her body, the bees symbolize sexual violence and its lingering physical and psychological effects.

“In the City of Smoke and Lights, they say, anything can happen if you dream it. As soon as a tall tale leaves your wicked mouth, it falls to the ground, moist and warm, wriggling with thick possibility.”

The narrator is describing the far-off City of Smoke and Lights, to which she is escaping in order to begin her new life. She is captivated by the image of the city and the inherent possibilities that it contains. Although she has never been there, what she has heard and imagined suggests that she can be anyone and anything that she wants to be. She merely has to speak it into existence, whether it is true or not. This act of creating reality by speaking it into existence mirrors the work of creating the memoir itself.

“Most of the folks you’ll find on the Street come to play, here for an evening and back home by morning. This, however, is where the fierce femmes of the City live and work. It is their magic, more than anything else, that sustains the everlasting festival that the Street of Miracles is so well-known for.”

After arriving in the City of Smoke and Lights, the narrator finds a home and community on the Street of Miracles. In this passage, she acknowledges that the Street is viewed by outsiders primarily as a place of transitory pleasures. For the fierce femmes, however, it is a home and a community, and the narrator comes to learn that the Street could not function without the hard work and the “magic” of trans women. The tension between those who call the Street home and those who seek to exploit it for pleasure and profit soon gives rise to violence.

“Kimaya’s smile is a key: it opens doors to places that I desperately want and am afraid to go. It is a map, guiding the way. It is warm butter, melting on toast. It feels like sisterhood. It feels like open arms. It feels like home.”

The narrator is describing the first friend she makes in the City of Smoke and Lights: a fellow trans woman named Kimaya. She makes particular note of Kimaya’s striking smile, comparing it to a key or a guide. Kimaya’s smile, and by extension Kimaya herself, makes life more bearable and the world more accessible. It sustains, nourishes, and comforts. By comparing it to a key, the narrator is calling back to the importance of lock-picking. With Kimaya, the narrator does not need to resort to trickery to control her world. Kimaya opens the door and shows her the way.

“Lost could give you blue eyes instead of brown, cat ears, a mermaid’s tale, skin as green as an alien’s, for as long as the high lasted. And when you were on it you could be anything, anything at all except yourself.”

Rapunzelle is describing the experience of using the drug “Lost.” She explains to the narrator that not only does it warp the user’s mind, it also physically alters their body, allowing them to become anything they want, even if that thing is imaginary, fantastic, or inhuman. By allowing the user to forget their own identity, it provides an escape from reality and promises a better one. This description of “Lost” is an example of the text’s use of magical realism. The magical properties of the drug serve as a symbol for the characters’ emotional experience.

“Later, I will regret what happens next, even though lots of the girls will tell me Lucretia had it coming. I will wonder why I can never solve my problems with anything except violence. I will wonder how much of a problem this is. I will wonder why I hurt people when what I really want is for them to love me.”

While hanging out at the Femme Alliance Building or FAB, the narrator is teased by Lucretia, who is already the subject of disdain among the trans women for her spoiled, entitled nature. The narrator responds to her insults by pinning her to the couch. Although her reaction felt good—and justified—in the moment, she later reflects on how it actually filled her with sadness and regret. She wishes that she did not have to hurt people, and she desperately wants their acceptance and affection. Although Lucretia has done nothing to deserve her pity, the narrator feels guilty all the same. This scene foreshadows the way in which Lucretia and the narrator’s begrudging relationship will develop, implying that it may always be marked by violence in some way.

“Fish means being able to walk in the daylight, as far as you please from the Street of Miracles, without fear of being chased and beat up by somebody or arrested by the cops.”

Kimaya is admiring the narrator’s appearance and refers to her as “fish.” This term, in the trans community, signifies a trans woman who can pass as cisgender. Kimaya tells the narrator that the ability to be “fish” and to pass provides many opportunities and it can keep her safe from the men who would choose to harm her. It is physical characteristic that, in Kimaya’s mind, the narrator should enjoy and appreciate.

“I feel lean and strong and sexy, like a secret agent superspy femme fatale. Taller in my heels, I am closer to some dangerous heaven.”

The narrator is describing her appearance and her feelings after obtaining her first pair of heels. She immediately notices that wearing heels changes her. It makes her feel more powerful, more intimidating, and perhaps, as a trans woman, more convincing. Because of the added height, her heels also make her feel closer to her version of heaven. In her perspective, the heels allow her to tower over those around, and provide her with a femininity and strength that she once thought was unattainable.

“She was not the first trans girl to die here praying to God and thinking of home, and she would certainly not be the last.”

In the aftermath of the murder of Soraya, one of the trans women on the Street of Miracles, the narrator reflects on what she might have felt and experienced. She imagines that she might have prayed as she was dying, hoping for protection or salvation. The narrator acknowledges that Soraya is just the most recent in a long line of trans women who have been killed on or near the Street, and that these deaths will inevitably continue. This realization illuminates the inherent danger and precarity of the lives of trans women.

“Some of us want more than survival, want more than hiding in the shadows and barely scraping by, kowtowing to the police and to any many who decides that the Street of Miracles is his home more than ours.”

This quote is spoken by Valaria, as she is working to rally other trans women to join her quest for vengeance for Soraya. She directs the remarks at Kimaya, who has cautioned them against meeting violence with more violence. Valaria’s frustration is evident, as she points out that some trans women want more than a comfortable existence, especially if comfortable does not equal safe. Valaria believes that trans women are the ones who should be in control of the street, rather than its existence being dictated by the whims and demands of cisgender men.

“None of us has ever felt anything like this, regardless of how long we have spent living on the Street of Miracles. Nothing has prepared us to feel this connected to one another, to feel this strong.”

The narrator joins Valaria’s vigilante group, which they dub the Lipstick Lacerators. After their first few “missions,” in which they jump unsuspecting men, the entire group feels invigorated and inspired. The narrator observes that all the trans women in the group, regardless of age or ability, share the same feelings of invigoration and awe. Their mission creates a shared purpose, uniting them and tapping into their strength as a collective.

“As she gazed at herself in the mirror, she vowed to herself that no one would ever hurt her again—and that she would not rest until every last drop of blood that had ever been spilled on the Street of Miracles was given the justice that it was due.”

This passage comes from Valaria’s backstory, which the other Lipstick Lacerators share with the narrator one night while Valaria is absent. Like so many trans women, her story is marked by violence and heartbreak. However, instead of falling into despair, Valaria decided to take her fate into her own hands. She channels her own trauma into a mission to defend others. Valaria stands in stark contrast to Kimaya, who is friendly and welcoming. At the same time, as this quote shows, Valaria has similar strong beliefs with regard to justice and is committed to protecting and meting out justice for those around her. In this way, she and Kimaya are not that different, though their strategies are quite different.

“I was supposed to be in a university like this, surrounded by grey stones and trees and libraries. Dressed like one of the hundreds of hipsters strolling around campus, with pointy leather shoes and hardcover textbooks. And I don’t want to want it, but I do: to be a part of this place.”

The narrator and her fellow Lipstick Lacerators have been invited to participate in an interview conducted by students and professors at the local university. While she is exploring the campus library, the narrator experiences a degree of jealousy. University was the plan that her parents laid out for her before she ran away. She believed that she didn’t want that as part of her story, but now that she’s standing in the library itself, she wonders what her life would be like as a college student. She tells herself that life on the Street of Miracles is what she really wants, but the impressiveness of the university campus causes her to question her own choices.

“Books are like this magical window that you can open no matter where you are and you fall into a different place that’s better than the one you’re trapped in.”

The narrator is joined by a handsome student named Josh while she is wandering the stacks in the library. After he introduces himself, the two discover a shared love of books. Josh explains that he believes in the magic of books, and their ability to transport the reader to another place entirely. By framing books as magical, he draws attention to the recurring use of magic and magical realism throughout the text. This discussion also suggests that Fierce Femmes and Notorious Liars has a transporting power of its own.

“You’re not the kind of girl who saves people. You’re the kind who kills them.”

The narrator thinks this passage to herself after she murders the police officer who threatened Lucretia. She has tried to convince herself that his death was necessary to protect Lucretia from harm, but she also fears that deep down, she wanted to kill him, and that perhaps she even enjoyed it. The narrator believes that her penchant for violence is an intrinsic part of her identity and not something she can change.

“[A]nd my killer cop cop killer body that is stirring blazing devouring devouring devouring devouring swallowing him/her/me whole.”

The narrator has been having dreams in which the police officer she killed comes back to life as a zombie and attacks her. The most frightening part of these dreams is that the narrator’s body slowly morphs into that of the police officer until she is indistinguishable from him. This visceral imagery further demonstrates that the narrator believes that she is the subject of hate or the thing to be feared. She feels that, by committing murder, she has become no different from the authorities and individuals who oppress her and her sisters every day.

“‘You will be able to stop hurting people when you can stop hurting yourself,’ she says.”

The narrator has sought the advice of Alzena the Witch for help in overcoming the hopelessness she feels after her ordeal with the police officer. At her core, what she really wants to fix is her constant compulsion to hurt others. Alzena counsels her that she needs to be able to stop hurting herself first. This line becomes a repeated refrain throughout the final sections of the text, as the narrator tries to understand that by treating herself with greater love and care, she can then treat others in the same way.

“‘A good story can fix anything,’ Kimaya nods firmly, the beads in her braids clattering.”

Kimaya speaks this line after she announces that she is organizing an open mic storytelling night. By emphasizing the importance of storytelling as an act of community building and healing, Kimaya draws attention to the recurring theme of storytelling and creativity. Being able to share their stories, and by extension themselves, is a significant way for the trans community to come together in hope and solidarity.

“Kimaya, who is of course an expert baker, keeps on running in and out of the tiny kitchen asking me if I need any help. I tell her that this is something that I have to do myself.”

Alzena has advised the narrator to rely on “sweetness” to catch the swarm of bees inside of her. She interprets this suggestion literally, making the decision to bake a cake. Having never baked a cake before, the narrator would typically seek help from others, like Kimaya. However, the narrator asserts that she needs to do this on her own. The baking of this cake, the “forgiveness cake,” symbolizes the fact that the narrator must heal herself first, an act of radical self-love that only she can perform.

“As a concept, dates are terrifying to me. I think of them as carnivorous animals lying in wait in the shallows of a river, ready to leap up and plunge their enormous jaws into your neck and drag you off to the depths of a watery grave to be messily devoured.”

The narrator has been asked out on a date by Josh, the trans boy from the university. She explains that she has a deep, almost visceral reaction to dates, assuming that they will end in disaster or violence. By comparing a date to being “messily devoured” by an animal, the narrator demonstrates that her intimate encounters to this point have been uncomfortable at best and terrifying at worst. Moreover, instead of romantic events, her dates have mostly involved her body being used or consumed. Her reaction and fear about the date draw attention to the lingering effects of the trauma she has experienced, even as she recognizes that this will likely not be the outcome of her date with Josh.

“Every girl needs to be at least a little bit dangerous. But what I need you to understand, Charity, is that you can’t only be dangerous. You have to keep room for softness in your heart, and for sweetness too. Because knowing how and when to hit someone isn’t going to save you from the darkness in yourself.”

The narrator writes to her younger sister, Charity, who has started to lash out in violence and anger, not unlike the narrator. She tells Charity that it is necessary to be angry or “dangerous” at times. This dangerousness is what can help you survive. However, the narrator also explains the importance of “sweetness” or kindness. Reflecting this tenderness inward and learning to be kind to yourself is what can truly help to quell the righteous anger you feel, even more so than striking out at people who’ve hurt you. This passage exemplifies a shift in the narrator’s attitude and in her views of herself. Through her experiences, she is now approaching the world—and herself—with more kindness.