Felix Ever After

Fiction | Novel | YA | Published in 2020

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Summary

Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Chapters 1-3

Chapters 4-6

Chapters 7-9

Chapters 10-12

Chapters 13-15

Chapters 16-18

Chapters 19-21

Chapters 22-25

Character Analysis

Themes

Symbols & Motifs

Important Quotes

Essay Topics

Chapters 10-12Chapter Summaries & Analyses

Chapter 10 Summary

Ezra wants to talk to Felix about the transphobic message, but Felix doesn’t want to deal with Ezra’s worry and goes home. Felix and his father watch TV while Felix scrolls down to Declan’s latest Instagram post; it is a beautiful new art piece that Felix is jealous of. The two message about the meaning of the piece, agreeing that the moon makes them feel lonely. Declan tells Felix he is easy to talk to and that he likes the way he thinks about art. The conversation turns toward Declan talking about his Catholic upbringing and how difficult that made it for him to come out. The pair decide that though it’s odd, they have a connection.

Felix allows Declan to have his phone number. They text until 3 a.m., and Felix has to remind himself that he is talking to Declan, his bully, because he starts to enjoy the conversation. Declan admits that sometimes he doesn’t want to go to college and says that people at St. Cat’s hate him. Felix is shocked because he feels like everyone else loves Declan. Declan clarifies that he doesn’t have any deep connections and that two guys, Felix and Ezra, really hate him. He says that Ezra hates him because they used to date and that Felix hates him because they want the same scholarship. Then Declan talks about feeling bad for Felix because someone outed him at school; he calls the gallery incident unforgivable and the culprit behind it evil. Declan tells Lucky that he really feels like he knows him and that he thinks Lucky goes to St. Cat’s. Declan tells Felix, posing as Lucky, that he thinks he’s falling for him.

Chapter 11 Summary

Felix’s dad offers to come with him to get his biweekly testosterone shot. Felix doesn’t understand why he offers to do this but won’t call Felix by his name. On the train to Callan-Lorde, the clinic where he gets the shot, grandequeen69 sends him a message saying, “You were born a girl. You’ll always be a girl” (144). Felix is sad and hurt that people can hate him for his gender and skin color simply “because they’re afraid of what they don’t understand” (144). He knows he should block the troll, but he is stubborn and instead asks grandequeen69 what they’re getting out of this. At the clinic, Felix feels like everyone else already has their gender identity figured out and tries not to stare. He is jealous. When he asks the nurse if it is normal to keep questioning his identity, she offers a counseling service, which he declines.

At school, Felix thinks about how he still wants to talk to Declan even though he knows he’s not the troll. He doesn’t want to tell Ezra about this. Austin asks Felix how his portfolio is going. Felix has never liked Austin because “he’s the sort of person the world adores, just based on the way he looks […] claiming that they’re liberal and that they aren’t racist and that they’re feminists, but not really thinking about why they are so obsessed with white men” (154). A classmate named James makes a comment that implies Felix is weird because he is trans and Black. Immediately after, James says he is not racist and that things don’t always need to come back to identity. James complains that he can’t make a joke about anything anymore and that they all decided not to like him because he is a cis, straight, white male. As another peer named Hazel declares that she can look past James’s personality because he’s hot, Felix wonders if James is behind the gallery wall.

Chapter 12 Summary

Felix tells Ezra that Declan wasn’t the troll but refrains from revealing everything else happening with Declan. They decide to ask Leah if she knows who did it because she’s a photography student and they suspect the culprit is a photography student too. Leah is good at hacking people’s phones and is happy to help them identify the culprit. Though hacking is illegal and might not provide any answers, Felix and Leah are thrilled by the prospect of trailing down the troll.

Felix is so excited by Declan being in love with Lucky that he can’t stop looking at him. When grandequeen69 messages Felix, he goes to the acrylic room to prep canvases, which always makes him feel better. Jill enters the studio and tells Felix that he better use all the canvases he’s prepared, telling him, “You’re probably one of the best artists in the school […] it’s obvious that you have the eye, the imagination, the creativity… But you don’t apply yourself like you should” (170-71). She suggests that he paint himself, claiming that self-portraits make one confront their real self. Felix has never done a self-portrait because looking too hard at himself can cause gender dysphoria, but he snaps a photo of himself and tries anyway.

Suddenly, three hours have passed, and although there was fear in Felix’s eyes in the photo, his eyes in the painting show determination. Felix responds to Declan, saying that he cannot reveal who he is. Both boys admit they’ve been looking around at school all day trying to figure out who the other could be. They agree to keep talking anonymously.

Chapters 10-12 Analysis

In this section, Felix learns that Declan is not the transphobic troll and makes the choice to continue talking to him. Their anonymity allows them to maintain and deepen their vulnerability with one another, to see themselves as capable of loving and being loved without risking genuine heartbreak. Both characters have a deep need for love and acceptance but are too afraid of heartbreak to get it. This fear is evidenced by the fact that Felix cannot tell his best friend that he loves him and the fact that Declan only has shallow friendships. Although Felix’s perception of Declan has changed, he still projects narratives on to other people. For example, when he goes to the clinic to get his testosterone, he assumes that everyone else there has their gender identities cleanly labelled and figured out.

The themes of identity politics, whiteness, and wokeness are expanded in these chapters. Felix does not like Austin, a cis, gay, white man, because he is the kind of guy whom “woke” people like without questioning why. Directly after Felix thinks about this, James, who is cis, straight, and white, implies that Felix is weird because he is trans and Black. Similar to Declan’s comment about Felix being a fraud, James implies something without outright saying it, allowing him to evade accountability. In both cases, when people point out what was left unsaid, the aggressor tries to deny the implication in their words. James gaslights Felix and his friends, claiming that he’s not racist and that they make everything about identity. He says, “It goes both ways, right? […] You decided you don’t like me because I’m white, straight, and whatever-the-fuck-the-last-word-was” (158). James refuses to take accountability for his statement or even learn what the word “cisgender” means, demonstrating that his behavior partly stems from ignorance and fear of something he doesn’t understand—and that he has no desire to fill his knowledge gaps to improve himself or rectify his behavior. Felix is frustrated by how his peers claim to be woke but fail to do the work required to understand social issues or affect social change, instead choosing to remain complacent and support anti-Black and anti-trans sentiments.

Felix’s decision to paint a self-portrait is a key step in his journey toward understanding his identity and finding self-acceptance. The self-portrait symbolizes self-acceptance because the painter must observe themself as they are for a prolonged period of time. When Felix takes the reference photo, he notices all his flaws and the fear in his eyes, but when he looks at the portrait, he perceives more positive traits: “My eyes hold the same fear, the same dread, but there’s a strength, an intensity, a determination I hadn’t really noticed” (174). Felix’s choice to paint a self-portrait is a symbolic step in his journey to confront his “real” self, by which he means his self who knows he is worthy of love and respect. As Felix learns to love himself, he is also learning that he is capable and worthy of receiving love from others. The fact that Declan is in love with Lucky, a persona that embodies many of Felix’s deepest vulnerabilities, is an important first step on Felix’s path toward knowing that he is lovable.