Everything I Know About Love

Alderton realizes that the thing she hates most about Scott and Farly getting serious, is that she no longer sees Farly’s family as much. Since she and Farly grew up together, Alderton frequently visited Farly’s family; now, she only sees them a few times per year, and Scott is the one accompanying them on trips or visiting on weekends. Farly tells Alderton that Scott has asked her to move in with him, and she assures Alderton that nothing will change. Farly moves out on Alderton’s 25th birthday, and one of their friends from university, Belle, takes Farly’s old room. Three months later, Scott plans to propose to Farly, and he wants her friends to be there.

The evening of the proposal, Alderton drinks most of the couple’s celebratory champagne and drunkenly toasts them with a speech from the film My Best Friend’s Wedding. Farly asks Alderton to be her maid of honor. That August, Farly’s 18-year-old sister Florence is diagnosed with leukemia, and Farly delays her wedding for a year so Florence can still be a bridesmaid. For Farly’s 27th birthday, Scott invites Alderton and AJ over for dinner, as Farly is too exhausted to go out. They trap Farly in the bathroom so they can put out cupcakes and candles, and Alderton realizes that although she did not choose Scott like she chose Farly, they are family now, too.

In December 2013, Alderton goes on her third date with a man she met on Tinder. He is the first wealthy man she has ever dated, and she is not used to men spending money on her like he does. One night, Alderton proclaims that he will not own her like a possession, and he cannot buy her affection with expensive wine. He tells her if she feels that way, she can pay for the wine. Alderton says she will pay for it herself, and not just the wine—the whole bill, which ends up being £300. Alderton excuses herself to the bathroom and texts AJ to send her £200.

Alderton plans a Rod Stewart-themed Christmas party, as she feels he captures both “the extreme campiness of Christmas and the careless joie de vivre of a twenty-something house party” (152). The first people to arrive are Alderton’s new American friend and her boyfriend, who soon falls asleep on the couch with their Cavalier King Charles Spaniel on top of him. Everyone who enters the party later will see him as soon as they walk through the door, and the sight disconcerts one man so much that he immediately makes up an excuse to leave.

Alderton, Belle, and AJ gather in the bathroom and try to think of ways to convince people to leave since the party has gone so badly. Someone’s drug dealer finds his way into the party and helps himself to beer from the fridge. Finally, everyone leaves just after midnight. In the morning, Belle and Alderton discuss how the party went so wrong: Belle says the Rod Stewart theme may have set people’s expectations too high. Alderton keeps the life-size cardboard cut-out of Rod Stewart from the party as a reminder to never get ahead of herself. Eight months later when they move out, they leave the cut-out behind.

Alderton and AJ regularly eat this sandwich when they return home after being ejected from a nightclub for being “too drunk.” The instructions include pouring whatever alcohol there is in the flat into two clean glasses and putting on a Marvin Gaye record.

In the spring of 2014, Alderton matches on Tinder with Martin, an American who invites her out one morning for coffee. Martin is nearly 40 years old and works as an illustrator. Martin writes in a notebook several times during their coffee date, and Alderton suspects he is chronicling his Tinder dates across Europe. After coffee, they go for a walk and stop under a bridge to kiss. Alderton returns home and falls asleep; when she wakes up, she is convinced the date was just a dream. Martin is noncommittal about their next date and eventually falls out of contact.