Drinking: A Love Story

Knapp uses dancing to symbolize certain patterns that characterize addiction, as well as the concept of allowing the body to perform without listening to everything the mind is saying. She addresses this concept of separating the mind and body when saying that she “turned to liquor the way a dancer turns toward music: it felt central to […] my ability to shut down the voices of self-criticism in my own head and simply let go, move to a different kind of music” (87). Later, Knapp notes how addictions:

segue into one another with such ease: a bout of compulsive overeating fills you with shame and sexual inferiority, which fills you with self-loathing and doubt, which leads you to a drink, which temporarily counters the self-hatred and fills you with chemical confidence, which leads you to sleep with a man you don’t love, which leads you circling back to shame (137).

She characterizes this cycle as a dance, a constant repetition of “the same sad circles of restraint and abandon, courtship and flight” (137).

Knapp also uses dancing to explain how alcoholics get stuck in patterns that feel both chaotic and stifling, from bad jobs to damaging relationships. They can’t see what steps need to happen for a situation to change. Knapp calls this phenomenon being trapped on “the dance floor of addiction” (186).

This character from the Virginia Woolf novel To the Lighthouse symbolizes an almost mystical power to unite groups of people. Knapp longs to have this effect on people, and she feels that alcohol brings her closer to this goal by making her more fun, attractive, interesting, and uninhibited. Knapp refers to her fantasy of becoming Mrs. Ramsey again when discussing her anorexia. She prepares a huge, elaborate feast for her family members in an effort to bring them together, strengthen their bond, and help them feel close. Despite all the effort she puts into the meal, she won’t eat it because she’s addicted to starving herself. She says she yearns for a sense of ease around food, as well as the “conviviality and friendship that seemed to accompany it” (143).

Knapp’s black Lycra dress symbolizes the discomfort that comes from feeling exposed. It’s also a symbol of the ways Knapp hands over her power to Julian and allows him to define her and make decisions for her. The fact that it fits her so poorly and makes her feel so uncomfortable shows that Julian doesn’t know her that well, or perhaps that he doesn’t care to know her very well. This is ironic, considering that Knapp feels that for a long time, he is the only person who can truly understand her. When Knapp performs a “ritualistic snipping” of the dress, she celebrates how she has freed herself from being defined by others, and that she will look to herself for validation, rather than to others.

Knapp compares both sobriety and hangovers to the type of exercise that builds muscles. She says that in addition to being tiring, the early stages of sobriety are exhausting because they’re filled with uncomfortable repetitions: “Each repetition of a painful moment, gone through without a drink, serves to build up emotional muscle” (257). A hangover, meanwhile, “is like a workout for the muscles of denial, a way to spar with reality and practice telling yourself that you’re okay, everything’s fine, last night was perfectly ordinary” (162). The emotional muscles a hangover strengthens create risk, while the ones sobriety strengthens aid resilience.

Knapp also mentions that it is common for alcoholics to try to exercise a hangover away. Sweating it out can be a way to punish oneself for losing control or breaking a promise.