Don't Let's Go to the Dogs Tonight

“I say, ‘I’m African.’ But not black. And I say, ‘I was born in England,’ by mistake. But, ‘I have lived in Rhodesia (which is now Zimbabwe) and in Malawi (which used to be Nyasaland) and in Zambia (which used to be Northern Rhodesia).’ And I add, ‘Now I live in America,’ through marriage.”

Alexandra asserts her connection to Africa, highlighting her deep emotional attachment to the continent, while also acknowledging her English birthplace, which underscores her dual sense of belonging, connecting to the theme of Negotiating Identity in a Postcolonial Context. By referencing the former names of African countries, she emphasizes the historical and political context of her upbringing, linking her personal narrative to broader themes of colonialism and postcolonial identity. Additionally, her mention of living in America “through marriage” further complicates her identity, suggesting a sense of displacement and detachment from her African upbringing.

“Mum doesn’t know who she is, either. She stayed up all night once listening to Scottish music and crying.

‘This music’—her nose twitches—’is so beautiful. It makes me so homesick.’

Mum has lived in Africa all but three years of her life.

‘But this is your home.’

‘But my heart,’ Mum attempts to thump her chest, ‘is Scottish.’”

Fuller reflects on her mother’s conflicted sense of identity, highlighting the theme of Negotiating Identity in a Postcolonial Context. Despite spending the majority of her life in Africa, Nicola’s attachment to her Scottish identity reflects her desire to maintain a sense of superiority in a colonial context.

“Her eyes are half-mast. That’s what my sister and I call it when Mum is drunk and her eyelids droop. Half-mast eyes. Like the flag at the post office whenever someone important dies.”

Fuller here describes her mother’s intoxicated state, using the metaphor of “half-mast eyes” to convey her mother’s drunkenness. The comparison to a flag at half-mast, a symbol of mourning, underscores the somber and unsettling atmosphere created by her mother’s alcohol misuse as well as its trigger: her children’s tragic deaths. This scene highlights the impact of Nicola’s alcohol use disorder on family life, emphasizing the theme of The Complexities of Personal History.

“We were prepared to die, you see, to keep one country white-run.”

Nicola’s assertion encapsulates the entrenched racial superiority and colonial mindset prevalent among white settlers in Africa. A deep-seated prejudice and sense of entitlement shape Nicola’s worldview as she articulates a willingness to sacrifice everything to preserve white privilege.

“The First Chimurenga was a long time ago, a few years after the settlers got here. The welcome had only been out for a relative moment or two when the Africans realized a welcome was not what they needed for their European guests. When they saw that the Europeans were the kind of guests who slept with your wife, enslaved your children, and stole your cattle, they saw that they needed sharp spears and young men who knew how to use them.”

Fuller reflects on the historical context of colonialism in Africa, invoking The Impact of Colonialism and War. The passage highlights the violent and exploitative nature of European colonization, contextualizing the events in the memoir within a larger historical framework. Fuller highlights the violent and oppressive nature of colonial rule, emphasizing the exploitation and abuse suffered by African communities at the hands of European settlers. Fuller’s description of settlers as unwelcome guests who perpetrate acts of violence and theft underscores her anti-colonialist views.

“Farmers fight a more deadly, secret kind of war. They are fighting for land in which they have put their seed, their sweat, their hopes. They are secretive, sly, desperate. They do not come with loud war drums and the bones of powerful animals around their neck. They come with one intent, sliding on their bellies, secret in the night. They don’t come to be victorious in battle. They come to reclaim their land.”

Fuller here describes the struggles of African farmers, highlighting the covert nature of their fight for land. This scene is significant as it underscores the harsh realities faced by Africans in the postcolonial era, tying into the theme of The Impact of Colonialism and War. The contrast between the African farmers and Fuller’s own family emphasizes the difference in their claim to the land. While African farmers fought to reclaim land historically and ancestrally theirs, Fuller’s parents’ claim to the land stemmed from colonial policies, a result of the unequal power dynamics inherent in land ownership in colonial times.

“[H]ow can we, who shed our ancestry the way a snake sheds skin in winter, hope to win against this history? We mazungus. We white Africans of shrugged-off English, Scottish, Dutch origin.”

Fuller employs the metaphor of a snake shedding its skin to illustrate the transient and artificial nature of white settlers’ connection to Africa. This metaphor underscores the theme of Negotiating Identity in a Postcolonial Context. In including herself in her assertion, Fuller confronts the contradictions and complexities of her own identity within the broader historical context of colonialism.

“We cheer when we hear the faint, stomach-echoing thump of a mine detonating. Either an African or a baboon has been wounded or killed.”

Fuller depicts the pervasive violence of the Rhodesian Bush War, illustrating The Impact of Colonialism and War. The scene captures the desensitization of the Fuller family to the suffering of Africans, reflecting the dehumanizing effects of colonial ideology.

“I watch him strip his gun and clean it; it lies on the sitting-room floor in pieces and the house and our clothes and the dogs reek of gun oil afterward. Dad lets me press the magazine full of bullets. ‘Faster than that. You’d have to do it a lot faster than that.’”

The meticulous process of disassembling and cleaning the gun underscores the omnipresence of violence and conflict in the Fuller household. Tim’s insistence on speed highlights the urgency and severity of the situation, suggesting a constant state of readiness and vigilance in the face of danger. Fuller’s involvement in loading the gun reflects her exposure to violence from a young age, a defining aspect of her troubled childhood.

“There was a bad taste in my mouth and a sick feeling in my stomach. We climbed into the car, we sullied goods, and Mum and Dad drove stiffly away, grinning at Roly like skeletons. Vanessa tried to tell Mum and Dad what had happened and they said, ‘Don’t exaggerate.’ Vanessa has a way of looking far away when Mum and Dad won’t listen. She looks far away now, as if she doesn’t care about anything.”

Fuller describes the aftermath of Vanessa’s and her own sexual assault, highlighting the negligence and dismissal of their parents. Vanessa’s attempt to communicate the trauma she experienced is met with disbelief and disregard by their parents, which just exacerbates the emotional turmoil she experiences. Vanessa’s distant and detached demeanor underscores the profound impact of the assault on her psyche, revealing the lasting scars inflicted by the trauma.

“Vanessa and I, like all the kids over the age of five in our valley, have to learn how to load an FN rifle magazine, strip and clean all the guns in the house, and, ultimately, shoot-to-kill. If we are attacked and Mum and Dad are injured or killed, Vanessa and I will have to know how to defend ourselves.”

The author’s description of children being taught to handle firearms highlights the normalization of violence and the imperative of self-defense in their daily existence. The need for children to learn such skills reflects the broader societal implications of the conflict, illustrating the trauma and upheaval wrought by war.

“No one ever came right out and said in the broad light of day that I was responsible for Olivia’s death and that Olivia’s death made Mum go from being a fun drunk to a crazy, sad drunk and so I am also responsible for Mum’s madness. No one ever came right out and said it in words and with pointing fingers. They didn’t have to.”

Fuller reflects on the unspoken burden of guilt she carries regarding her sister Olivia’s death, which is significant to the theme of The Complexities of Personal History. The absence of explicit blame from others highlights the internalized nature of her guilt, emphasizing the personal nature of her struggle.

“After Olivia dies, Mum and Dad’s joyful careless embrace of life is sucked away, like water swirling down a drain. The joy is gone. The love has trickled out. Sometimes Mum and Dad are terrifying now. They don’t seem to see Vanessa and me in the backseat.”

Olivia’s tragic death disrupts the familial dynamic, symbolized by the metaphor of joy draining away like water swirling down a drain. This scene highlights the profound impact of personal tragedy on the family, contributing to the theme of The Complexities of Personal History.

“If I fall, or hurt myself, or if I’m tired, my nanny lets me put my hand down her shirt onto her breast and I can suck my thumb and feel how soft she is, and her breasts are full and soft and smell of the way rain smells when it hits hot earth. I know, without knowing why, that Mum would smack me if she saw me doing this.”

This scene highlights the complex dynamics of affection and authority within the colonial household, illustrating the intimate bond between Fuller and her nanny amidst the backdrop of colonial oppression. Fuller seeks comfort from her nanny, drawing a stark contrast between the nurturing warmth of her caregiver and the harsh discipline of her mother. The tactile imagery of her nanny’s softness juxtaposed with the smell of rain hitting hot earth evokes a sense of safety and security, emphasizing the deep emotional connection she shares with her nanny.

“[T]he first black child is brought to the school. We watch in amazement as he is helped out of a car—a proper car like Europeans drive—by his mother, who is more beautifully dressed than my mother ever is […] This woman is not a muntu nanny. This child is not a picanin. He is beautifully dressed in a brand new uniform. The uniform is not a worn and stained hand-me-down like the one I wear […] The boy tells us he is called Oliver Chiweshe. I have not known the full name of a single African until now.”

After independence and racial integration, white settlers grappled with the initial shock and discomfort as they confronted the changing dynamics of racial hierarchy in post-independence Africa. Fuller here reflects on her internalized beliefs about racial and socioeconomic superiority, highlighting her internalization of her parent’s and community’s racist ideals.

“Rhodesia has more history stuffed into its make-believe, colonial-dream borders than one country the size of a very large teapot should be able to amass in less than a hundred years. Without cracking.”

The use of the word “make-believe” highlights the constructed nature of Rhodesia’s identity, suggesting a sense of artificiality or illusion surrounding its colonial heritage. This characterization underscores the theme of Negotiating Identity in a Postcolonial Context, as it reflects the complex and often contradictory nature of white settlers’ African identities. By acknowledging the contradictions inherent in Rhodesia’s ideals, Fuller confronts the complexities of her parents’ role as white settlers in Africa and their complicity in perpetuating colonial power structures.

“In Rhodesia, we are born and then the umbilical cord of each child is sewn straight from the mother onto the ground, where it takes root and grows. Pulling away from the ground causes death by suffocation, starvation. That’s what the people of this land believe. Deprive us of the land and you are depriving us of air, water, food, and sex.”

Fuller’s metaphor of Rhodesia as a mother underscores the deep emotional and psychological attachment white settlers feel toward the land, highlighting the complex relationship they establish with their adopted homeland. The metaphor of the umbilical cord sewn into the ground symbolizes the settlers’ deep-rooted connection to Rhodesia, suggesting a sense of ownership and entitlement, highlighting the fraught nature of settler identity and the profound sense of displacement (See: Symbols & Motifs) experienced by both settlers and Africans in the wake of colonialism.

“Mum starts having problems with the pregnancy. She says her problems are caused by the stress of independence. Losing the war. Losing the farm.”

Nicola’s narrative privileges the experiences of white settlers while erasing the voices and experiences of Africans, highlighting the power dynamics inherent in colonial discourse. Furthermore, her framing of pregnancy complications as a consequence of political events overlooks the broader systemic inequalities perpetuated by colonialism, neglecting to acknowledge the structural violence inflicted upon African communities. Ultimately, Nicola’s assessment serves to reinforce colonial narratives of victimhood and entitlement.

“[T]he outside world starts to join in and has a nervous breakdown all its own, so that it starts to get hard for me to know where Mum’s madness ends and the world’s madness begins. […] the world is a terrifying, unhinged blur and I cannot determine whether it is me, or the world, that has come off its axis.”

Fuller captures the chaotic nature of her mother’s manic episode and its impact on her own perception of reality. This scene underscores the theme of The Complexities of Personal History, as Fuller confronts the profound impact of her mother’s mental illness on her own sense of self and stability, making her struggle to make sense of the world as a young child.

“Mum is living with the ghosts of her dead children. She begins to look ghostly herself. She is moving slowly, grief so heavy around her that it settles, like smoke, into her hair and clothes and stings her eyes. Her green eyes go so pale they look yellow. The colour of a lioness’s eyes through grass in the dry season. Her sentences and thoughts are interrupted by the cries of her dead babies.”

Fuller describes the impact of grief on her mother, emphasizing the heavy burden she carries from the loss of her children. The imagery of her mother becoming “ghostly” and her eyes losing their color highlights the toll that grief takes on her physical and emotional well-being. This scene underscores the theme of The Complexities of Personal History, as it delves into the enduring trauma of personal tragedies and their lingering effects on Nicola.

“Only Olivia has had a proper funeral. Richard and Adrian are in unmarked graves. They float and hover, un-pressed-down […] It doesn’t take an African to tell you that to leave a child in an unmarked grave is asking for trouble.”

A sense of unresolved grief surrounds the Fullers. Fuller’s acknowledgment of the universal cultural significance of proper burial rites suggests a recognition of the importance of honoring the deceased and attempting closure regarding their passing, linking to the theme of The Complexities of Personal History. She evokes a sense of lingering presence and unrest, symbolizing the unresolved trauma that haunts the family.

“Mum says, ‘If we move to Zambia, then we will have lived in every country in the former Federation.’ And the symmetry of this fact seems to be enough to seal the decision.”

The mention of living in every country in the former Federation of Rhodesia underscores the theme of Negotiating Identity in a Postcolonial Context, as the family clings to their sense of belonging with frequent relocations. The decision to move based on achieving symmetry suggests a desire for order and control in the face of the uncertain post-independence period.

“The more I am away from the farm in Mkushi, the more I long for it. I fly home from university at least once a year, and when I step off the plane in Lusaka and that sweet, raw-onion, wood-smoke, acrid smell of Africa rushes into my face I want to weep for joy […] I want to kiss the gun-swinging officials. I want to open my arms into the sweet familiarity of home.”

Fuller’s deep emotional connection to Africa is intensified by her physical distance while studying away. Her attachment is intricately linked to her nostalgia regarding her childhood experiences. The author’s yearning to return home underscores the theme of Negotiating Identity in a Postcolonial Context, as she grapples with her sense of belonging to Africa despite her English heritage.