Does My Head Look Big In This?

Chapter 28 depicts another mainstay of high school life (while also representing life in general): The stratification (division) of students into different groups as the school’s social order easily replicates itself outside of school. Amal observes, “the cool group, the good-looking group, the confident group, the shy group, the sober group, the tipsy group, the spectators, the participators” (163), and reflects on the persistence of hierarchy in social organization. In the novel, the school represents a microcosm of social, cultural, and racial politics, and students fall into their place quickly due to the existence of a “pecking order.” The popular students will always have the upper hand over the unpopular ones, and even though individually they might be against such divisions, as a group people frequently feel a psychological pressure to conform and belong to a larger unit. Similar to animal life, the individual usually feels most secure as part of a pack.

Amal, Simone, and Yasmeen feel nervous in such a setting, because there are several things that set them apart from other groups: intelligence and individuality, but also insecurity, and a sense of separateness; Simone has body issues, Eileen is Japanese, and Amal is wearing a hijab, thus inadvertently putting herself into a morally superior position. This is why, when she rejects Adam’s advances, (which represents one of the climaxes in the novel), he reacts with wounded pride. Aside from the typical fear of being rejected, Adam believes that Amal’s decision not to date positions her in a place of judgment of those who are “sinful,” and in reaction he asks her, “what you’re saying then is that we’re all sluts and sleazes and you’re above that?” (169).

Although this is far from Amal’s way of thinking, she faces another prejudice: By distancing herself from what teenagers typically do, she invites them to dislike her for the appearance of ethical dominance. As of yet, she still does not grasp that Adam might have logically assumed that she wanted to date him because of the relationship they have developed. Furthermore, because young people do not learn or understand much about different religions and the moral codes they uphold, Adam might not have had any idea that in Amal’s eyes dating would be unacceptable.

The author contrasts individual worries with global preoccupations in Chapter 29, as the news breaks about a terrorist attack in Bali. This act of violence took place on October 12, 2002, organized by an Islamic terrorist group, and killed over 200 people, including 88 Australians. Finding out about the attack in school, Amal realizes, “I can’t feel only grief. Or horror. Or anger. It’s too mixed up” (173). On the one hand, she abhors violence and absolutely rejects the idea of violence justified by religion. On the other hand, she is aware that, being a Muslim, she cannot simply grieve like everybody else; the atrocity was committed by Islamic terrorists, which puts her by default in the line of vision for many angry Australians, who equate Islam with terrorism and death.

Combined with her decision to wear a hijab, this provokes in Amal complex ambivalence about herself and her faith, and she states, “I can’t even break down and grieve without wondering about what people are thinking of me” (173-74). She feels she somehow shares the guilt because the terrorists claim they act in the name of Islam, and feels that “once again I don’t know where I stand in the country in which I took my first breath of life” (174). The question for Amal should not be how Australian she is, but she feels that because she is also a Muslim, this is what people expect her to answer. The author underlines this in Chapter 30, when Lara, the school captain, approaches Amal with the idea that she should talk to the assembly about Islam and terrorism. Lara spontaneously equates the two without stopping to think in what light this puts her schoolmate, and even though she apologizes, Amal (and the reader) understands that she symbolizes the whole of Australian non-Muslim society. A similar situation occurs in Chapter 33, only this time Tia’s actions are deliberately provocative and unsubtle, which is why Amal’s friends feel that they should step in and help her by holding a united front.

The author additionally gives us an excellent counterpoint to Amal’s sense of separateness by including, in Chapter 34, a scene of a wedding between a Syrian woman and an Afghani man. Hearing the familiar, dynamic Middle-Eastern music “makes [Amal’s] heart bounce around inside me with excitement and anticipation” (195). In this room of 450 people, who mostly share the same ethnic roots, Amal can feel a sense of belonging that has nothing to do with her school status or her hijab. This is a connection that belongs to the cultural space that all of the attendees inhabit, and even though “within each nationality there are versions of each version” (196), the author emphasizes the connections between people, and not their differences.

Chapters 31, 35, and 36 deal with Amal and Yasmeen’s decision to organize a special surprise dinner for Leila’s birthday, and depict the consequences of their attempt to subvert the tradition and disobey the strict rules. This sequence of events is crucial for Leila’s character as it helps bring her to the final realization that she has to gain control over her own life. It also brings the story to another climax, as Amal does two things that bring into question the observance of her religion: She lies to her parents, and she verbally attacks Leila’s brother in public. Ironically, Hakan provokes Amal’s anger precisely by hypocritically questioning her behavior as a Muslim girl. Her reaction is dramatic:

I feel almost faint from keeping my fury inside and I swear and shout at him for being a hypocritical sexist filthy scumbag. For going ballistic at Leila over an innocent dinner when he’s the one going around with a tart, drinking himself blind and smoking dope. For daring to disrespect us and judge us. (202-03)

Amal soon realizes the magnitude of her mistake, as her parents berate her not just for lying, but also for creating an impossible situation for her friend by allowing herself such underhanded and aggressive behavior. In Chapter 36, as Amal cannot get in touch with Leila, she imagines the worst scenarios that would happen as a direct result of her actions. She skips school with Simone and Eileen as a way of distancing from her guilt and shame, believing wrongly that in this way she does not have to face what she has done. The author utilizes a descriptive scene when Amal tries to follow a fixed shape of a cloud with her eyes, only to see it become “a chaotic mess of fluffy shapes collapsing into each other” (207), as a symbolic image of how Amal’s belief that she has control over things dissipates. Leila’s story has reminded her that she still has a lot to learn about herself and the way the world works, which is a significant step on her journey to self-awareness.