40 pages • 1 hour read
Douglas Stone, Sheila Heen, Bruce PattonDifficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 1999A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 1Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 1: “The Problem”
Chapter 1 Summary: “Sort Out the Three Conversations”
This chapter explores The Relationship Between Identity, Emotions, and Actions. It begins with a story. Jack and Michael are friends. They have had a falling out based on their work relationship where a project has gone wrong, and each blames the other. After the anecdote, the authors claim that while all conversations are unique in their own way, difficult conversations typically follow a similar structure and identifiable pattern. Additionally, what a person says and what a person is thinking are often quite different, a reality that makes any conversation difficult.
All difficult conversations consist of three separate conversations that are occurring simultaneously: The “What Happened” conversation; the “Feelings” conversation; and the “Identity” conversation.
In the case of the “What Happened?” conversation, the primary issue is the conflict between asserting the facts and the reality that conversations are often initially not about the truth of the matter but the conflicting perspectives of the conversation partners. Additionally, conflict can become heightened by the fact a person’s intentions are often quite obscure and difficult to judge—“we assume we know the intentions of others when we don’t. Worse still, when we are unsure about someone’s intentions, we too often decide they are bad” (11). While difficult conversations often involve the question of truth, oftentimes both parties are at fault for creating tension.
The “Feelings” conversation is an essential one, because feelings are not tangential to difficult conversations, but are typically the source and cause of the difficulty involved.
The “Identity” conversation is the most subtle, but it is arguably the most important—“it offers us significant leverage in managing our anxiety and improving our skills in the other two conversations” (14). When difficult conversations arise, they can make one question their identity because of the assumptions and underlying issues involved.
Once the nature of the type of conversation is clarified, the goal will change because the motivations behind them will also change. Contemplating the “What Happened” conversation allows the individual to see that the situation at hand is far more complex than it had at first seemed. At the same time, the “Feelings” conversation similarly emphasizes that a fraught situation is charged with emotion; that fact has to be taken seriously, not brushed aside as unimportant or illusory. Finally, the “Identity” conversation highlights the need for one’s personal identity to be safeguarded in the course of the conversation so as not to be harmed or warped.
Part 1 Analysis
As a book that gives great weight to its first principles, it is appropriate that the authors devote the first section to a single chapter. Over the course of the book the three conversations will provide the guiding structure to all other advice.
The authors use personal stories and anecdotes, aiming to bring their theoretical principles to life. They want to show that their theories and advice are supported by personal experience; the conversation between Jack and Michael is one that the authors will return to many times.
The three important “conversations” can be considered three different aspects of a single conversation, rather than three distinct conversations that have nothing to do with one another. By considering them three aspects of the same conversation, the narrative emphasizes how every conversation is likely to bring certain elements to the table.
The feelings conversation is the simplest—every difficult conversation is going to involve emotions at its core. Feelings are often viewed as pesky obstacles that need to be avoided, subjugated, or ignored; the thought is that feelings aren’t what tension is really about, and that they have to be pushed aside in order to get to what really matters. This is false, and the sooner one realizes it is false the better; emotions are a genuinely important and essential aspect of human interaction and personal identity—they need to be included as an essential aspect of the back and forth regardless of the effect they have on the conversation.
The “What Happened?” conversation is often the most overlooked. In most difficult conversations the individuals involved end up talking past each other to some extent. When these two different layers of the conversation are acknowledged—the layer of what is spoken aloud, and the layer of what is spoken in each person’s mind but not aloud—genuine understanding can begin. Often, this will involve the intentions of the offending party. Though something can be said aloud, this can come with assumptions about what the other person is supposed to already know, and what everyone’s true intention is meant to be.
The identity conversation explores The Relationship Between Identity, Emotions, and Actions. It illustrates that even the most assured individual can have their personal identity and value come into question during a difficult conversation. Often, one’s actions and words can be confused with their identity and dignity as a human. They need to be distinguished as related, yet separate, realities. For example, just because someone can share a piece of private information (a unique act) does not automatically make them a gossip (someone with a recurrent and intractable habit). People make mistakes, and people also get confused.
When people make mistakes, misunderstand, or participate in creating a tense environment, the solution is not to dole out blame and demand a black-and-white solution. As the authors point out, the key to solving difficult conversations is to shift to a “learning conversation” (16), rather than remain stuck in a zero-sum game of blame and shame. In the following chapters, the book will examine the various mistakes that people often make when engaging in these kinds of conversations. They will then examine the structure of the conversations themselves, explaining how to have them, and how to escape them in the most positive and effective way.
