Dear Evan Hansen

“Sometimes these letters do the opposite of what they’re intended to do. They’re supposed to keep my glass half full, but they also remind me that I’m not like everyone else. No one else at my school has an assignment from their therapist. No one else even has a therapist, probably. They don’t snack on Ativan. They don’t shift and fidget when people come to close to them, or talk to them, or even look at them. And they definitely don’t make their mother’s eyes well up with tears when they’re just sitting there not doing anything.” 

Evan feels alone in his struggles with mental health. He doesn’t believe that any of his classmates feel the same way he does, even though that is far from the truth. Evan’s anxiety itself keeps him from forming bonds with his classmates that would help him feel less alone.

“When I walked on to the bus this morning everyone was either talking to their friends or staring down at their phones. What am I supposed to do?” 

Evan wants to connect with his classmates, but he believes they are already too absorbed in their own lives to pay attention to him.

“I read the words on the page. They’re my words, the words I wrote, the words I’ve come to know by heart, but now they feel alien to me. It’s like someone jumbled them up and tried to put them back in the same order, thinking no harm would be done, but it’s not the same message. It’s two messages, depending on how you read it, and Connor’s parents are not reading it the way I intended.” 

For the first time Evan is able to truly express himself in his letter to Dr. Sherman. He has always feared that his true feelings would be too shocking and depressing for his mom or therapist. Even when he tells the truth for the first time, the letter is stolen, which ignites a series of misunderstandings with Evan at the center.

“This is all we have...this is the only thing we have left.” 

Mrs. Murphy outwardly expresses the most grief for her dead son, and her tears have a profound effect on Evan. Evan knows he should tell the Murphys that he wrote the letter, but he is so afraid of disappointing people that he cannot bring himself to say the words.

“There was no deer in the road that night...I crashed into that tree because I felt like it. My messiest decisions were always like that. Made in a split second. Nine times out of ten I’d walk away only wounded. Then, on the tenth time…” 

Connor was in a constant battle to control his impulses, even those that drifted far from his true intentions. It’s unclear whether he really wanted to die or whether he made a decision that he couldn’t rescind. Furthermore, he was rarely given the chance to explain his behavior in his own words, as few people ever took the time to see him beyond his behavior.

“I’m free now. No one in my way. No one waiting around a corner, setting a trap. No one checking for redness in my eyes. Asking where I’ve been all night. Making promises.” 

After Connor takes his life, he is relieved of the pressure he had been living under. When he was alive, he claimed his parents treated him like a criminal.

“I spoke to him just a few days ago. Now I’ll never speak to him again. Or walk past him. Or hear a rumor about him defacing school property. Never. I’ve known this kid since we were in grade school. He disappeared for chunks at a time, and we weren’t friends or anything, but he was still part of our whole group, our class our year.” 

In the wake of Connor’s death, Evan thinks of the opportunities he missed to really get to know Connor. Regardless of how Connor treated Evan, Evan still sees him as an important part of his school community.

“Where is everybody? Connor Murphy wasn’t popular or well liked, but I assumed some people would be here. We all knew the kid, grew up with him, passed him in the halls. Doesn’t that count for something? Where are Rox and Kristen Caballero and Alana Beck? They’ll post something about Connor online but couldn’t be bothered to pay their respects in person?” 

Immediately after Connor’s death, his classmates flood their social media profiles with memorials of their lost classmate, despite the fact that Connor was widely disliked at school. When Evan goes to Connor’s wake, he sees the hypocrisy of their memorials.

“Everyone in school knew about the printer. It became the thing that followed me around. The logline to my movie, telling people what to expect of me. Telling me what to expect of myself. I was the villain. That was my role. And Mrs. G was the victim. And for years, that’s been our story. But it demands a correction. She made a mistake. And so did I.” 

Connor’s reputation for angry outbursts stems from an incident in second grade. While his classmates saw him as out of control and dramatic, Connor believes his anger was understandable, though breaking the printer was a rash, split-second decision. He swiped the printer in a moment, and there was no taking it back after that. While Mrs. G also earned a reputation for being cold, Connor saw a different side of her, as the day after the printer incident she showed genuine patience by trying to hear Connor’s needs. She was one of the few people who ever made him feel heard.

“I see how much my words mean to them. It feels good to make them feel good. It’s the right thing for me to be doing, to be making their hurt go away, even for a moment.” 

Evan’s fabricated stories about Connor help the Murphys see their son in a new light, allowing them to forgive themselves for their mistakes with raising Connor and to move on from his death.

“The apple orchard. Haven’t thought about that place in years. Thinking about it now, I have to say, nothing terrible comes to mind. No blowup fights or traumatic episodes. That’s usually what happens when I dig too deep into memories. The worst stuff pops up first. But those orchard trips were pretty uneventful. In a good way. We acted like a normal family. My mother would pack lunches. Zoe and I would roll down that bumpy hill. My father put work aside. Paid attention. Why couldn’t that happen more often? Why couldn’t we carry that feeling home with us?” 

Connor recalls one of the few times that he felt truly happy with his family. It’s a bittersweet memory for Connor and the Murphys: While it gives them something positive to hold on to after Connor’s death, they can never feel that same closeness again.

“We had an authentic exchange. For guys like Connor and me, that type of interaction is rare, and it definitely forged a bond between us. I’m probably the only one who had any clue how he was truly feeling that day.” 

After Connor’s death, Evan believes he is the only person who can help keep Connor’s memory alive.

“That’s what happens when people leave, I think. When they’re gone, you don’t have to be reminded of all the bad things. They can just stay the way you want them forever. Perfect.” 

Evan helps Zoe see that remembering only Connor’s good parts doesn’t negate the pain caused by his flaws. By remembering him in a positive light, she isn’t rewriting their history but taking what she needs from their memories together to grieve and heal, and to leave the rest behind.

“That’s the gift that he gave me...to show me that I wasn’t alone. To show me that I matter.” 

Evan talks about the impact Connor had on his life when he gives a speech at the Connor Project kickoff assembly. While his friendship with Connor is made up, Evan still learns from Connor that he is not alone.

“That’s the fucked-up part about this speech. It would’ve really meant something coming from a true friend. He should have been the one standing up there, saying those words. Because for him, I actually did show up. For him, I risked it all.”

While watching Evan give the speech about him, Connor is moved by Evan’s words, but he can’t reconcile that feeling with the fact that it is all made up. Seeing Evan speak is a bitter reminder of the friendship Connor lost with Miguel.

“To the ground I fall. I can never stay aloft too long. Not when there’s and ugly and heavy truth always dragging me down.” 

Evan’s relationship with the Murphys is an emotional rollercoaster. When he sees their happiness from his stories about Connor, he feels a rush of confidence and pride, but then he crashes back down when he is reminded that none of it is real.

“What I do know for sure is that these people all seem to have a desperate desire to connect with someone. They feel inspired to share their incredibly personal stories.” 

Evan has never met the thousands of people who connect with the Connor Project, but he recognizes that they are bound together by similar struggles and desires, and that they find a much-desired sense of community in each other.

“My dad and I, we used to throw the ball around in the backyard every Sunday afternoon...I thought Connor and I could do that. He used to complain that I was never around, I was working all the time, so I said, all right, let’s set aside Sunday afternoons for just the two of us. And then, all of a sudden, he wasn’t interested anymore.” 

Mr. Murphy gives Evan Connor’s unused baseball glove. He bought the glove for Connor in hope that they would play catch together in the backyard, like Mr. Murphy used to do with his father. However, Connor never had any interest in sports; Mr. Murphy was trying to connect with Connor on his own terms. Evan, on the other hand, has lost a positive connection with his own father, and Mr. Murphy fills that void for him.

“You always do that...anytime I get too close...It’s like you only give me these tiny glimpses.” 

Miguel was Connor’s only friend, but Connor struggled to let himself be vulnerable in front of him. He kept the deepest parts of himself hidden for so long to protect himself, and when he does find someone he can trust, he is unable to truly open up.

“They like me. I know how hard this is to believe. They don’t think that there’s something wrong with me. That I need to be fixed, like you do.” 

Evan tells Mrs. Hansen that he spends so much time with the Murphys because they accept him for who he is. With them, life doesn’t revolve around his therapy or future; he brings them joy and serves a greater purpose in their family.

“This house is burning. I did this. I set it on fire. I never meant to. I only wanted to help them. This was my refuge. Improbable, but true. A place where I could come and feel safe and accepted and wanted. Now it’s crumbling before my eyes.” 

Evan finally sees that by covering up the truth for so long, he has actually caused the Murphys more pain than relief.

“I saw the ground below, all the way down. I looked up once more, at the whole world; it was beautiful, I knew it was, but I wasn’t a part of it. I was never going to be a part of it.” 

Evan previously explained that he broke his arm by falling out of the tree in Ellison Park. Here Evan reveals that he actually jumped out of the tree. He didn’t see a place for himself in the world, so he let go. It’s because of this incident that Evan sees a part of himself in Connor’s story.

“Connor, he was just...I’ve never met someone like that. That innocent. That pure. Sometimes I think maybe he was too pure...for all this.” 

When Evan meets Miguel, Miguel talks about Connor in a way that Evan had ever considered. Miguel was the only one who really knew who the true Connor was.