Dare to Lead

“The true underlying obstacle to brave leadership is how we respond to our fear. The real barrier to daring leadership is our armor—the thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that we use to protect ourselves when we aren’t willing and able to rumble with vulnerability.”

Brown introduces the concept of “armor” which she uses to illustrate people’s defensive behaviors. She argues that while this armor can make us feel more protected from criticism or failure, it ultimately prevents us from being able to communicate openly and create positive understanding with others.

“Trust is the stacking and layering of small moments and reciprocal vulnerability over time. Trust and vulnerability grow together, and to betray one is to destroy both.”

Brown argues that vulnerability is not possible without trust, and that these experiences develop slowly over time. She builds on this idea to explain that trust can be built through small, everyday moments of connection, and will help both parties be able to communicate vulnerably.

“Fake vulnerability can look like a leader telling us that we can ask questions but not taking the time to create the psychological safety to do it, or not offering a pause in the conversation for anyone else to speak at all […] Vulnerability minus boundaries is not vulnerability. It’s confession, manipulation, desperation, or shock and awe, but it’s not vulnerability.”

Brown addresses the issue of “fake vulnerability,” explaining that leaders cannot simply invite feedback without providing the time and supportive space to receive it. She also warns against ignoring social or professional boundaries when trying to lead vulnerably and points out that oversharing one’s emotions to garner sympathy is a form of manipulation.

“But vulnerability isn’t just the center of hard emotions, it’s the core of all emotions. To feel is to be vulnerable. Believing that vulnerability is a weakness is believing that feeling is weakness. And like it or not, we are emotional beings.”

Brown claims that vulnerability is inherent in our emotional journeys and should not be perceived as weakness but appreciated as a crucial part of our feelings. This quotation helps Brown make her case that being vulnerable should not be stigmatized.

“Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind […] Feeding people half-truths or bullshit to make them feel better (which is almost always about making ourselves feel comfortable) is unkind.”

Brown’s mantra challenges the notion that it is kinder to others to avoid candid conversations and keep our real thoughts to ourselves. This saying helps Brown encourage the reader to view clear and honest communication as a form of kindness to themselves and others, since it will help others grow and build a more productive working relationship in the long term.

“We call it the Turn and Learn because it’s not about being right or wrong, it’s about creating space to understand different perspectives, learning from everyone around the table, and identifying areas where we need to get clear on expectations. Most often, we learn that we’re all working off different data and assumptions, or that we don’t fully understand the lift, or we don’t understand the load certain people are already carrying. It’s a huge connection tool.”

One of Brown’s concrete tools, the Turn and Learn, helps to democratize meetings and uncover different perspectives. The author argues that this practice helps to involve every team member in decision making and so will result in well-informed commitments. Because the Turn and Learn is not about deciding “right or wrong” it can also encourage people in different roles to share their ideas without fear of judgment.

“Leaders must either invest a reasonable amount of time attending to fears and feelings or squander an unreasonable amount of time trying to manage ineffective and unproductive behavior.”

Brown acknowledges that engaging vulnerably with staff can take time and energy but argues that leaders can either choose to try these methods or risk spending time rehabilitating their workplace when employees are not being effective in their roles.

“I’ve always talked about living with an unarmored heart as wholeheartedness […] Wholeheartedness captures the essence of a fully examined emotional life and a liberated heart, one that is free and vulnerable enough to love and be loved. And a heart that is equally free and vulnerable to be broken and hurt.”

Brown encourages the reader to work with “wholeheartedness” and admits that this approach to life means that you may experience hurt and rejection. According to Brown, if you remain armored you will not fulfill your potential and will miss out on genuine relationships.

“Ego is an eager and willing conspirator when it comes to locking away the heart. I think of the ego as my inner hustler. It’s that voice in my head that drives pretending, performing, pleasing, and perfecting. The ego loves gold stars and craves acceptance and approval. It has no interest in wholeheartedness, just self-protection and admiration.”

Brown labels the ego as a “hustler” since it encourages us to perform and people-please in order to receive validation and positive attention. Unfortunately, the ego prompts us to remain “armored” since it wants to protect itself from criticism. Brown’s teachings ask the reader to consider which of their instincts are coming from the ego and overcome them.

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of blame, judgment and shame.”

Brown critiques perfectionism as a function of the ego which seeks to avoid the shame of failure. Contrasting perfectionism with “healthy striving,” Brown argues that this mindset is “addictive” and counterproductive to real self-growth.

“Cynicism and sarcasm are first cousins who hang out in the cheap seats. But don’t underestimate them—they often leave a trail of hurt feelings, anger, confusion, and resentment in their wake. I’ve seen them bring down relationships, teams, and cultures when modeled by people at the highest levels and/or left unchecked.”

Using her analogy of fighting in an arena, Brown chastises those who criticize performance from the “cheap seats.” Brown explains that we should not care equally about all forms of feedback; we should ignore people who respond cynically or sarcastically to our ideas, since they are not offering anything constructive or living courageously themselves. She warns against underestimating the destructive effect these attitudes can have on workplace cultures.

“In times of uncertainty, it is common for leaders to leverage fear and then weaponize it to their advantage. Unfortunately, it’s been an easy formula throughout history—in politics, religion, and business—that if you can keep people afraid and give them an enemy that is responsible for their fear, you can get people to do just about anything. This is the playbook for authoritarian leaders here and around the globe.”

Brown points out that using intimidation and fear as tools of control is not limited to dysfunctional workplaces but is a sadly common occurrence in politics and other powerful organizations. This quotation helps the reader reflect on their own management style and reminds the reader to not use fear-based tactics or scapegoating to try to win followers.

“Do not celebrate people who work through the weekend, who brag that they were tethered to their computers over Christmas break. Ultimately, it’s unsustainable behavior, and it has dangerous side effects, including burnout, depression, and anxiety—it also creates a culture of workaholic competitiveness that’s detrimental for everyone.”

Brown critiques the workaholic office cultures that encourage people to devote their whole lives to their jobs. She advises managers to not incentivize workaholism since it can lead to significant mental health issues for employees in the long term and degrade a healthy working environment.

“The cultural messages and expectations that fuel feelings of vulnerability and even shame may be different, but the experiences themselves, as well as their ability to alter who we are and how we show up, are universal. One powerful universal truth that has stood the test of global research: If shame and blame is our management style, or if it’s a pervasive cultural norm, we can’t ask people to be vulnerable or brave.”

Brown argues that it is a manager’s responsibility to ensure that the workplace culture is open-minded and supportive, since it is unfair and unrealistic to ask employees to share openly if there is a “shame and blame” leadership style that is creating a climate of fear.

“Shame is not a compass for moral behavior. It’s much more likely to drive destructive, hurtful, immoral, and self-aggrandizing behavior than it is to heal it. Why? Because where shame exists, empathy is almost always absent.”

The author distinguishes guilt, which is our awareness that we made a mistake, and shame, which makes us feel worthless. She argues that unlike guilt, feeling shamed only produces “destructive, hurtful” behavior. According to Brown, shaming people for their mistakes only results in more hurtful actions directed at themselves or others.

“Staying out of judgment means being aware of where we are the most vulnerable to our own shame, our own struggle. The good news is that we don’t judge in areas where we feel a strong sense of worth and grounded confidence, so the more of that we build, the more we let go of judgment.”

Brown expands on her ideas about shame to argue that people are most judgmental about other people’s shortcomings if they feel insecure about that aspect of their own personality. She encourages the reader to mitigate their judgmental tendencies by building genuine confidence in their own traits and skills so they do not judge others from a place of insecurity.

“Grounded confidence is the messy process of learning and unlearning, practicing and failing, and surviving a few misses. This brand of confidence is not blustery arrogance or posturing or built on bullshit; it’s real, solid, and built on self-awareness and practice. Once we witness how courage can transform the way we lead, we can trade the heavy, suffocating armor that keeps us small for grounded confidence that lifts us up and supports our efforts to be brave.”

The author contrasts “grounded confidence” with “posturing” and argues that we only develop real confidence in our abilities when we have practiced our skills and allowed ourselves to try and fail. Brown encourages the reader to build their self-awareness and allow their skills to be tested so that they can have the confidence and courage to lead others positively.

“Vulnerability is the greatest casualty of trauma. When we’re raised in unsafe environments, confronted with racism, violence, poverty, sexism, homophobia, and pervasive shaming, vulnerability can be life-threatening, and armor is safety.”

Brown acknowledges that being vulnerable is more difficult for people who have endured trauma, especially childhood trauma from unsafe environments. The more we have felt threatened and unsafe, the more likely we are to build up our “armor” to protect our psychological safety.

“When I facilitate this work in organizations, I always get this question: “Do you want me to identify my professional values or my personal values?” Here’s the rub: We have only one set of values. We don’t shift our values based on context.”

Brown argues that people should not compartmentalize their personal and professional lives and operate from different value systems in each. While we may want to act like different people at work, we really have just one set of values that we live by.

“I know I’m ready to give feedback when I can hold you accountable without shaming or blaming. Unfortunately, many of us were raised in families where feedback came in only one of two packages: shame or blame. Giving productive and respectful feedback is a skill set that most of us have never learned.”

Brown laments that people come into the workplace inexperienced in giving constructive feedback that is designed to help others grow and develop their skills. She argues that it is possible to hold employees accountable for their job without resorting to “shame or blame” when providing feedback.

“Trust is the glue that holds teams and organizations together. We ignore trust issues at the expense of our own performance, and the expense of our team’s and organization’s success.”

Brown argues that trust is an essential ingredient in workplace productivity and success, and that effective leaders should be mindful of trust issues in their teams.

“Today some young adults are overprotected while others are grossly underprotected. Some are paralyzed by perfectionism and what other people think, while others have found it physically and emotionally safer to shut down and/or armor up.”

Brown explores how the two extremes of parenting can leave young adults unprepared for healthy personal and professional lives, since “lawnmower” parents have removed adversity and discomfort for their kids, while negligent parents have let their kids feel too unprotected from trauma. This supports Brown’s argument that people need a safe space to practice their skills, experience adversity, and process failure in order to build real confidence and courage.

“Here’s the hard news about this process. Very few people make it through the reckoning, for one reason: Instead of feeling our emotions and getting curious, we offload them onto others.”

Brown writes that during “The Reckoning, the Rumble, and the Revolution,” many people cannot move past the first stage. This is because it is challenging to reflect on your own emotional reaction and feels more comfortable to blame others for your negative experience. Brown writes that it is essential to be “curious” about our own reactions so we can accept our own responsibility and work vulnerably with others in the next stage, the Rumble.