Crucial Conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes Are High

The “Mutual Purpose” is a way of showing all parties that their priorities are important to everyone else. A “shared goal” creates a “healthy” climate and builds safety (69). If people feel that everyone else is trying to individually win the argument instead of creating good results for everybody, everyone will feel that they have to protect themselves with Silence or Violence. Mutual Purpose also requires “Mutual Respect,” a sincere desire to maintain the dignity of others in the conversation. Recognizing that everyone has weaknesses and strengths helps with establishing Mutual Respect, even when a person isn’t behaving respectfully toward others.

The “Pool of Shared Meaning” is a space defined by the free flow of relevant information between individuals (21). The Pool of Shared Meaning helps people by allowing them to access relevant information. People who are skilled at communication honestly and respectfully add their own opinions into the pool. However, they also make it safe for others to add their opinions to the pool, even if their introduced thoughts could carry potential conflict. This aids the whole group in making good decisions, since all important information is available to everybody. It also makes it easier to create an actionable strategy after a decision has been made.

Silence and Violence are presented as two unhealthy safety-maintaining strategies. The “Silence” strategy comes in three forms. The first is “masking,” which involves sugarcoating the truth, outright lying, or using sarcasm to subtly indicate a problem instead of just addressing the issue honestly. Second is “avoiding,” or purposefully steering conversation away from the real issues at hand in order to avoid conflict or negative emotions. The third is withdrawing, or refusing to engage in any dialogue at all.

Violence as a safety-maintaining strategy also comes in three forms. The first is controlling, or “coercing others to your way of thinking” (53). Dominating the conversation or exaggerating the benefits of their idea is a form of violence. The second form is “labeling,” or dismissing other people’s ideas under a general stereotype of their position without engaging with that opinion in good faith. The third form is attacking, or “belittling and threatening” others to win the argument (54).