Breathing Underwater

At his first group counseling session, Nick meets the seven other men ordered to be there. The instructor, Mario Ortega, lists the rules for the group: honesty, no put-downs, punctuality, no drugs or alcohol, participation, and taking responsibility for your actions. An eighth person, Leo Sotolongo, enters late. Nick has no intention of participating, seeing no use in connecting his abuse of Caitlin to the abuse of his father.

Among the men are Kelly, Tyrone “Tiny” Johnston, and A.J. The men are all aggressive and do not want to be in counseling. Kelly calls Leo an ethnic slur, which leads to them physically fighting. Mario stops them, and Leo explains that he does not belong there because his girlfriend lied. Nick then claims that Caitlin also lied. He goes on to explain that he only slapped her once because she made him angry but that he knows he should not have slapped her. Internally, he recognizes his father’s voice calling him a “loser” and believes Caitlin is the only one who can silence it.

Later that day, Nick writes in his journal again, remembering when he first interacted with Caitlin. She had transferred to his Spanish class, but he became unsure of asking her out. When Tom threatened to ask her out himself to make Nick jealous, Nick felt sure Caitlin would pick Tom because Nick thinks of him as perfect. Nick quickly realized that Tom was trying to help him win over Caitlin. Nick offered to give Caitlin a ride, and she accepted. In Nick’s car, Tom mentioned the party Zach Schaeffer was throwing on Saturday, and Caitlin accepted Nick’s invitation to go with him.

Nick is late to his second group session because his father has sold his car, not as punishment but as a show of control. Nick recalls when he was 11 and his father purchased the old Mustang. His father promised they would remodel it together but instead hired someone else to do it. That Father’s Day, young Nick detailed the newly remodeled car as a surprise for his father, but when his father inspected it, he saw a small scratch and blamed Nick. Since then, Nick knew that his family was not “normal.” His father later gifted the mustang to Nick for his 16th birthday.

When Nick finally makes it to the session by train, he is soaked from the rain and surprised that Mario lets him stay. Meanwhile, Leo antagonizes Nick, who is jealous of Leo’s carefree attitude. Mario offers Nick a ride home, but Nick lies and claims someone is picking him up.

Later, Nick writes in his journal, which has been nearly ruined by the rain. He writes about the day of Zach’s party when Tom commented how lucky Nick was to receive the Mustang as a gift. Before the party, Tom and Nick had dinner at Tom’s house, where Nick feels at home and pretends Tom’s dog, Wimpy, is his own. Tom’s father tried to convince Tom and Nick to get jobs at Tom’s family’s law firm, but Tom was against this. When his family asked about the party, Tom lied and said he did not have a date even though he was taking his girlfriend, Liana. Tom later explained that he kept Liana a secret because she is Cuban and his parents would not approve. Tom’s parents expect him to be a lawyer, but Tom wants to become an artist. Despite Tom’s problems with his family, Nick still wishes they were his own.

Although the school rearranged Caitlin’s schedule to avoid Nick, he sees her in the hallway with his old friends, who include Saint O’Connor, a football player Nick despises. When they see Nick, they promise to protect Caitlin. Nick feels betrayed that they have chosen Caitlin’s side.

When Nick walks into his English class, he sees “Go Nick! Beat your girlfriend!” written on the blackboard (Loc 525). Several classmates, including Caitlin’s best friend, Elsa, taunt Nick. Nick struggles to not explode in anger. He remembers Mario’s words about deep breathing and keeping cool. When the teacher, Miss Higgins, demands Elsa erase the board, Nick tells her to leave it. Miss Higgins corrects the sentence’s grammar, making the students laugh. Nick fakes a laugh and changes the subject by asking a homework question. He touches a ring in his pocket and takes out his journal to write.

In his journal, Nick writes about Zach’s party and how he was proud to impress Caitlin with “cool” parties. Nick had added beer to his housekeeper’s shopping list and brought it to the party. Nick noticed that Saint O’Connor’s girlfriend wore a revealing swimsuit, and Nick was glad Caitlin wore something more modest. Caitlin confessed to Nick that she felt insecure around the other girls, and Nick called her the most beautiful girl at the party. When Saint complimented Caitlin’s weight loss, Nick became jealous; Caitlin reassured Nick that she liked him, not Saint. As Caitlin and Nick talked, Nick learned about her passion for singing and how her mom pushed her to lose weight. She confessed she was glad the weight loss made Nick notice her.

After playing in the pool, they discovered that Dirk, a classmate, and his friends had crashed the party and started wrecking Zach’s house. Caitlin protested their behavior, and when Dirk approached her menacingly, Nick exploded and attacked Dirk. Nick later apologized to Caitlin, but she called him her “knight in shining armor” (Loc 678), and they finally kissed.

Nick finishes his entry, noting how he can remember every detail of his memories. He plans to get to school early the next day to erase the blackboard in Miss Higgins’s class.

In Spanish class, Nick texts Tom an old photo of them together. Tom confronts Nick after class and demands that he stop trying to be his friend again. He claims he does not recognize Nick anymore. Later at home, Nick prints and frames the photo. He finally accepts that he is alone now.

In his journal, Nick writes about how his relationship with Caitlin progressed after the party. He claims he became an “addict,” driving her to and from school and calling her frequently. Caitlin began sitting with Nick and his friends at lunch, and she often brought her friend Elsa. Nick saw Elsa as an obstacle in their relationship because he sensed she hated him and monopolized Caitlin’s attention. Elsa often criticized Nick and his friends.

One day, after Elsa left, Nick tried to initiate sex with Caitlin, but she told him it was too soon. He tried pressuring her by implying that he would sleep with someone else if she continued to refuse. Then he accused Elsa of trying to brainwash Caitlin into hating him and denying him sex. To protect his relationship, he told Caitlin she could not see Elsa anymore and forced Caitlin into choosing him over Elsa. When Caitlin agreed and suddenly seemed willing to have sex, Nick stopped and took her home. The next morning, Nick left flowers in Caitlin’s locker, and soon, Caitlin was spending all her time with only Nick and his friends. Caitlin even received an invitation to join a popular sorority, the Sphinx, which made Nick proud.

In family violence class, Mario tries to show the members that if they interrogate their girlfriends about their whereabouts, check their phones, or isolate them from their friends, they are being controlling. Nick denies this behavior but then remembers Elsa. Mario points out that this controlling behavior is not normal between two male friends and therefore should not be normal in a romantic relationship. Nick feigns nonchalance and makes a crass comment about finding another woman because he claims they are all the same.

Leo argues that Mario is breaking the “no put-downs” rule by calling out Nick (Loc 855). Mario denies this, saying that challenging Nick’s problematic beliefs is not a put-down. Nick gets angry at Leo for defending him because it makes him feel weak. He stands, ready to attack Leo, but Mario stops him. Mario then informs the group that next week they will be talking about their families, which worries Nick.

Later at home, Nick accepts that his father is part of his story. While at first reluctant to write about him, Nick eventually opens his journal. He prefaces this entry with a warning for the judge not to read it. He writes about the day his father discovered how Nick tricked the housekeeper into buying beer. Nick blamed the housekeeper, Rosa, but his father called him a lazy, ungrateful thief. He yelled and violently beat Nick, while Nick remained silent and unmoving. Eventually Nick stopped listening and mentally escaped to thoughts of Caitlin. When the beating was over, instead of icing his cheek like he usually did, Nick fell asleep.