37 pages • 1 hour read
Henry Cloud, John TownsendBoundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life
Nonfiction | Book | Adult | Published in 1992A modern alternative to SparkNotes and CliffsNotes, SuperSummary offers high-quality Study Guides with detailed chapter summaries and analysis of major themes, characters, and more.
Part 3, Chapters 14-16Chapter Summaries & Analyses
Part 3: “Developing Healthy Boundaries”
Chapter 14 Summary
After breaking down various boundary conflicts in Part 2, Cloud and Townsend move onto the final three chapters (“Developing Healthy Boundaries”). In Chapter 14, they discuss the reasons why people may resist boundaries. Boundaries require a great deal of work. While fear may keep people from pursuing healthy boundaries, the alternative is sticking to a status quo that fails to improve relationships.
The authors refer to boundary-based emotional labor as “battle”—one composed of outside and inside resistance, “the resistance we get from others and the resistance we get from ourselves” (238). Examples of outside resistance include angry reactions from others, messages that elicit guilt, consequences and countermoves, physical resistance, pain of others, and blamers. These are forces that will actively impede people’s attempts to instill healthy boundaries in their relationships. When outside resistance or boundary violations happen, the authors argue that forgiveness is necessary (as a mandate from God), but reconciliation may not always be possible. As for internal resistance, the authors remind the reader to “face yourself, for that is the beginning of boundaries” (262). Without an honest self-assessment, establishing healthy boundaries will not be possible.
Chapter 15 Summary
In this chapter, the authors prescribe a series of 11 steps to help measure success in establishing and maintaining boundaries. Step 1 is to pay attention to the resentment that comes from having boundaries violated. Steps 2-3 are about finding others who also respect boundaries. Step 4 is consolidating one’s list of values and treating this list with respect in regards to boundaries. Step 5 is practicing saying “no” to relatively minor things in preparation for more serious “no’s.”
Step 6 comprises celebrating the guilt that comes with boundaries, as this guilt speaks to one being on a firm path. Step 7 consists of practicing saying “no” to more significant things, such as setting limits on a spouse’s drinking. Step 8 is a follow-up to Step 6, but at this point, one hopefully lives without guilt.
Step 9 is an invitation to love the boundaries of others, an invitation to see their boundaries as personal successes that will help them lead healthier lives. Step 10 allows one to say “yes” and “no,” but only with intent. Finally, Step 11 is setting meaningful goals for oneself based on one’s own values and convictions.
Chapter 16 Summary
In the final chapter of the book, the authors return to Sherrie, whose lack of boundaries was in disarray in Chapter 1. Now, however, Sherrie’s life looks different as a result of hard work in implementing boundaries. Instead of feeling physically and emotionally exhausted, Sherrie wakes up feeling refreshed and has a greater degree of freedom from guilt and resentment.
In all areas of her life, Sherrie made the difficult yet worthwhile decision to uphold boundaries. While there are times in which her mother or friend may be upset with her, she no longer feels depleted beyond her capacity. By following the principles outlined in the book, Sherrie managed to take back control in her life, assuming responsibility for what is rightfully hers and hers alone. From family life to her career and marriage, Sherrie learned that boundaries have their rewards, and that they require discipline and follow-through in order to maintain. As Sherrie reflects on her hard work and prays in gratitude to God, the authors close the book by offering their own prayer, that “your biblical boundaries will lead you to a life of love, freedom, responsibility, and service” (294).
Part 3, Chapters 14-16 Analysis
In the final three chapters of the book, the authors focus on giving readers a roadmap of what to expect in the journey towards boundaries—ending with “before and after” snapshot of Sherrie’s life in order to illustrate how someone’s life can be transformed by the power of boundaries. In these chapters, the authors revisit each of the major themes of the book.
In Chapter 14, the authors reiterate the power of saying “no” despite external resistance. This chapter also reminds the reader that the responsibility of pursuing boundaries is not to be taken lightly, as it will likely force them to reexamine or rearrange various aspects of their life, from family to friends to the workplace.
In Chapter 15, the authors prescribe 11 steps to help measure success in boundaries. As relationships grow and mature, people become more aware of their need to establish boundaries. In the long run, this helps both parties in any given relationship: “When we are concerned about protecting the treasures of others, we work against the self-centeredness that is part of our fallen nature” (280). Relationships are complex by nature and often change as people work through a spectrum of emotions and memories.
In the final paragraphs of the book, as Sherrie recites parts of a biblical passage, the authors again emphasize the value they place on the Bible as the ultimate source of wisdom. Sherrie’s personal liberation happened in conjunction with her shift in perspective towards God’s role in helping her regain her life, by means of biblical boundaries.
