Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

In this chapter, the authors discuss Bill, a 25-year-old man whose parents are concerned about the direction his life is taking. Bill has a history of drug use and has trouble keeping a job and choosing a career path. After listening to the parents’ concerns, however, the authors assess that Bill was never given any cause to take responsibility for his own decisions and actions. Bill’s parents failed to establish boundaries with him, leaving them with no choice but to start saying “no.” Only through boundaries will Bill learn the difficult truth of his actions having consequences that he alone is responsible for.

The authors then define what a boundary is: “A boundary shows me where I end and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership” (27). Like an invisible property line, a boundary helps people distinguish between what is or isn’t their responsibility. The authors clarify that this doesn’t equate to isolation, as the Bible prescribes people to “carry each other’s burdens” (28). People should operate within the context of community while aware of their own needs and limits.

The authors offer a few key examples of boundaries: skin, words, truth, time, distance (geographical and emotional), other people, and consequences. In each example, the goal is to achieve emotional health by setting up clear expectations. The authors emphasize that boundaries will ultimately help increase people’s level of responsibility in their own lives, particularly in respect to their feelings, behaviors, choices, values, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, and love.

The authors open this chapter with an anecdote about a woman experiencing a marriage crisis after her husband had an affair and took all control of their money. The authors clarify that boundary problems are a matter of not saying “no” to others who trespass on boundaries. The husband in this situation also demonstrated boundary problems by not respecting his spouse’s boundaries.

The authors then tell the story of Robert, who never learned to say “no” because his parents discouraged him from sticking up for himself. In a house full of sisters who didn’t respect his physical and emotional boundaries, Robert is now unable to say “no” to his wife’s constant demands. Robert’s case comprises multiple categories of people who demonstrate unhealthy boundary issues: compliants (people who say “yes” to the bad), avoidants (whose struggle is saying “no” to the good), controllers (those who don’t respect others’ boundaries) and nonresponsives (those who don’t hear others’ needs).

For each of these categories, the authors explain the ways in which relationships can be fractured. For instance, controllers affect their relationships due to being “limited in their ability to take responsibility for owning their lives” (54). The authors conclude the chapter by distinguishing between functional and relational boundaries. Functional boundaries are connected to people’s ability to be efficient in professional settings, while relational boundaries have to do with the ability to speak truthfully within interpersonal relationships.