Black Girls Must Die Exhausted: A Novel

Tabby composes herself while applying makeup. She sits parked outside the news station. Building herself up, Tabby confidently walks into a newsroom meeting, although she is 15 minutes late and has a reputation for never being late. She bids for a story about the new LA football stadium, explaining her angle to highlight the gentrification resulting from the city’s costly improvements. Scott Stone, Tabby’s less experienced coworker, is also vying for the same promotion. He interrupts Tabby, arguing for the story to cater to sports fanatics in Los Angeles and to expose the “dangerous” neighborhoods surrounding LA’s older stadium. Scott believes that this angle is more significant and will have a larger reach. Chris Perkins, the executive news director, picks Scott to cover the new stadium. Tabby understands that the story will supply Scott with considerable exposure, issuing him an advantage in their race for promotion.

Tabby visits the restroom to double-check her makeup before returning to her desk. She runs into Lisa Sinclair, the midday anchor. Lisa commiserates with Tabby about the meeting, acknowledging that Chris unfairly favors male journalists for sports coverage. Tabby downplays Lisa’s observations, not wanting to sound whiny to anyone with seniority. Lisa attempts to invite Tabby to a women’s issues group at the news station, but Tabby politely excuses herself. Tabby doesn’t want to give Chris any reason not to promote her.

Tabby meets her best friends, Alexis (Lexi) and Laila Joon, for drinks in a recently refurbished upscale bar near Tabby’s childhood neighborhood. She recaps the harsh events of her day while Alexis and Laila listen with compassion and offer advice. Laila suggests that Tabby conveniently “forget” to take her birth control, an idea that shocks Tabby. Tabby intuits that Laila and Alexis have secrets and have been getting together without her, causing feelings of jealousy. She explains that she must freeze her eggs as a last resort unless Marc agrees to fast-track their relationship. The procedure is expensive and will exhaust Tabby’s savings for a down payment on a house. Alexis and Laila ask about the potential for promotion, but Tabby suspects that Scott will get the job. Laila and Alexis empathize with Tabby as she describes her encounter with Officer Mallory. Tabby leaves the bar feeling lighter. She returns home and prepares for bed, deciding to skip her birth control pill.

After an exhausting work week, Tabby meets Laila at the gym before her hair appointment with Alexis. Tabby plans to tell Marc about her diagnosis and asks Denisha, her hairdresser, to give her “extra sexy” hair. Although Denisha’s shop isn’t spa-like, it is close to Tabby’s childhood home. Having frequented Denisha’s salon for years, Tabby feels comforted by the familiar setting. Denisha and her other clients express pride in Tabby as she presents more news stories on the local station. Denisha occasionally pitches news stories about the happenings in their shared community. Tabby does present these ideas to Chris, but he always dismisses them as trivial and controversial. Tabby hopes to hold more sway as a senior reporter. Alexis asks Tabby to help her husband, Rob, plan a “surprise” birthday party that Alexis knows all about. Tabby reassures her friend that she will monitor the plans closely. Tabby leaves the salon, preparing to call her mother to tell her about her diagnosis.

Tabby’s mother is startled to learn Tabby’s diagnosis. She encourages Tabby to bolster her relationship with Marc and accuses Tabby of prioritizing her career over her relationship. Tabby momentarily questions her life choices before remembering that Marc is attracted to Tabby’s professional success. Most men she knows disapprove of women who lack ambition. Tabby arrives for her weekly visit at Granny Tab’s luxurious assisted living facility. A new receptionist acts suspicious of Tabby as she signs in. Entering Granny Tab’s apartment and seeing the familiar furniture, Tabby remembers the years she lived with Granny Tab while her mother, Jeanie, remarried and moved to Washington, DC. Granny Tab moved to the assisted living facility after a bad fall the previous year. She now lives close to her friend and former colleague, Ms. Gretchen.

Tabby narrates her troubles at work and with her health while Granny Tab pours tea. Granny Tab suggests that Tabby ask her father, Paul, for money to help cover the cost of an egg-freezing procedure. Tabby refuses, not wanting to feel indebted to her father, with whom she shares a distanced relationship since his affair and divorce. Tabby remembers his and Diane’s wedding, which only included Tabby as a guest. After the ceremony, Diane instructed Tabby to stop referring to her father as “my” father. Insulted by this insensitivity, Tabby maintained distance from her father’s family over the years, forfeiting the opportunity to get to know her half-sisters. Granny Tab lightens the mood by making inside jokes, and Tabby realizes that her grandmother is the “keeper of all my memories” (64). Ms. Gretchen stops by to complain about the new receptionist who refuses to allow her to leave in an Uber for her nail appointment. Granny Tab and Tabby escort Ms. Gretchen to the reception desk to clarify Ms. Gretchen’s privileges with the receptionist and on-call doctor. The group watches Ms. Gretchen depart, and Tabby grows anxious about her date with Marc.

Arriving in a Porsche, Marc picks Tabby up for their weekly date. Tabby feels nervous thinking about confronting Marc about their future while explaining her diagnosis. With noticeable sexual tension building, Marc sets off for one of the most romantic restaurants in LA. Tabby appreciates Marc’s penchant for making good reservations. However, she recognizes that he likely values his car more than his relationship with her.

Marc dismisses Tabby’s story about being pulled over, asserting that racist police officers only target men. He tells Tabby to purchase a USC Law bumper sticker to dissuade future traffic stops, believing that police officers will fear legal action. Tabby laughs at Marc’s suggestion before changing the subject to her diagnosis. She asks Marc about their future as a couple, specifically inquiring whether he sees them developing a more serious relationship. Marc admits that he loves Tabby, but he wants to advance further in his career before becoming a father. He can picture marrying Tabby and having children, but not anytime soon. After dinner, Marc drives Tabby to her apartment, where they have sex. Tabby attempts to stop Marc when she realizes she hasn’t consistently taken her birth control pills this past week, but passion overtakes the moment.

At a champagne brunch with Laila the following morning, Tabby confesses to her deception with Marc and considers taking emergency contraception. Laila laughs and makes light of the situation, telling Tabby how to procure Plan B from a pharmacist. The women point out the hypocrisy of how easily and privately men can obtain Viagra while women must ask a pharmacist for an over-the-counter medication. They also lament the fact that Viagra is covered by insurance while fertility treatments for women usually are not.

Laila confesses to having an affair with a married man named Lawrence whom she recently met at a journalism conference. Tabby tries to listen empathetically, knowing that Laila will become secretive if Tabby seems judgmental. Hearing about Laila’s romantic interest, Tabby struggles to separate this news from her lingering emotional distress over her father’s affair with Diane. The women order another bottle of champagne and toast to their troubles. Tabby stops for emergency contraception on the walk home but procrastinates and second-guesses herself while browsing for makeup. She suddenly hears a store announcement requesting “assistance in the cosmetic section” (82). A security guard appears at the aisle’s end; Tabby is the only shopper present. She decides against the emergency contraception and opts instead for a bottle of wine.

Two weeks pass by quickly as Tabby’s work schedule picks up. She texts Laila to ask if she should take a pregnancy test, but Laila insists that Tabby wait. Laila makes tentative plans to see Tabby on the weekend, contingent upon Lawrence’s weekend schedule.

Tabby’s menstrual cycle arrives, much to her relief. Still, Tabby recognizes that the mere idea of a pregnancy felt like a vacation from her worries. If she wants to become pregnant and have children, she must sacrifice a down payment on a house to save her eggs. She is not ready to end her relationship with Marc and feels uncomfortable about pressuring him for a greater commitment. Tabby realizes that one way or another, she must soon sacrifice something valuable to her.

Tabby visits Granny Tab and Ms. Gretchen. She hesitates to go into too much detail but tells her grandmother that she plans on calling a fertility specialist soon. Tabby always envisioned the assisted living facility as a temporary stop before Granny Tab moved in and nannied Tabby’s children. She is saddened to realize that this dream will be harder to achieve. Tabby listens intently as Granny Tab recounts meeting her husband in West Virginia before the civil rights movement, describing their complex and controversial relationship. Tabby rarely hears her grandmother speak about her life before her divorce and the disappearance of Tabby’s grandfather. She wonders what happened to her grandfather.

Granny Tab and Ms. Gretchen ask Tabby about her relationship with Marc. Although the women do not understand Marc’s resistance to marriage, they all believe in the conventional order of marriage before children. However, Granny Tab acknowledges that Tabby can have a baby on her own—an option that was unavailable to Granny Tab in her early adulthood. Ms. Gretchen believes that Tabby deserves better than Marc.