Before I Let Go

Yasmen is at Grits with her best friends and their families as they prepare for the restaurant’s traditional New Year’s Eve party. Soledad’s husband, Edward, is skeptical when Hendrix says Soledad’s decorations are proof she has a future in design and lifestyle influencing. The tension between the couple rises when Soledad points out that she loves raising her family but has other aspirations too. Yasmen and Hendrix offer silent support.

Yasmen checks in with the kitchen and greets guests, all of whom are ecstatic to see her back to her previous routines. She privately castigates herself for her hidden nostalgia: She is wearing the wheel-charm necklace and her former wedding band on a chain, hidden from view. She has a chilly encounter with Vashti, who tells her where to find Josiah, who is in the storage area preparing the champagne toast. The other staff wheel out champagne crates, leaving Yasmen and Josiah alone.

Josiah compliments Yasmen’s dress and asks if she has big plans with Mark. After Josiah criticizes Mark again, Yasmen admits they broke up. Josiah brings up their previous night together, assuring her he wants to keep things friendly between them. Yasmen, disconcerted, thinks that she is alone in her longing.

Josiah suggests the two of them open a bottle of champagne, and the two drink from the bottle together. Josiah quotes a Kanye West and Jay-Z song, “Otis,” telling her, “may all your pain be champagne” (3951). They embrace and nearly kiss, and Yasmen remembers how safe and cherished she once felt in his arms. Vashti arrives, breaking the moment. Yasmen looks back and, seeing Josiah and Vashti hug, assumes they are reuniting. Brushing aside her feelings of pain and betrayal, Yasmen prepares for her toast.

As she surveys the gathering, Yasmen sees family, friends, and neighbors, the community she has rejoined since seeking treatment for her depression. She gives a heartfelt speech and blows a kiss to her family, hoping Deja will thaw toward her in the coming months.

Yasmen leaves with Hendrix and Soledad, and they visit the town square fountain to make their New Year’s wishes. Angry at herself for holding on to her past, Yasmen impulsively throws her necklace and wedding band in the water.

Yasmen suddenly changes her mind as she remembers Josiah saying, “Happy New Year, baby” before Vashti entered (4032). Yasmen admits to herself she is still in love with Josiah and wants another chance. She jumps into the freezing fountain to find her necklace; Soledad and Hendrix join her. She finds her necklace and says, by way of partial explanation, that she does not need a fountain to give her reasons to look forward to the coming year.

In therapy with Dr. Abrams, Yasmen admits that her divorce was a mistake and that her feelings for Josiah are as strong as ever. On the edge of a panic attack, Yasmen blames herself for the divorce and her strained relationships with Josiah and Deja that resulted from it. Dr. Abrams reminds her that in her depression, she decided she was unworthy of love; she should have compassion for that version of herself and her decisions from that time. Dr. Abrams reminds her that nothing is hopeless as long as she is alive and has survived the worst of her illness.

Her therapist tells her to look at her past self without hatred, reminding her, “[U]ntil you have compassion for her, you cannot fully heal” (4112). Dr. Abrams tells her she can embark on that work whenever she is ready. Yasmen realizes that she deserves more than endless guilt and self-flagellation even if Josiah never takes her back or Deja never forgives her.

The chapter opens as Josiah arrives at Yasmen’s home to celebrate Deja’s 14th birthday. He attributes his uncharacteristic sentimentality to his therapy work. When Deja is openly skeptical that Yasmen has replicated Aunt Byrd’s pound cake, Josiah tells her he expects her to compliment it, however it tastes. He reminds her that he has always praised her artwork, however flawed, because he cares for her, and that Yasmen deserves the same courtesy. Both Josiah and Deja compliment the cake, as do Deja’s friends.

As they clean up from the party, Josiah says he has news about Vashti. When Yasmen interrupts, assuming they have reunited, Josiah explains Vashti wants to move to Charlotte to oversee the expansion. In particular, she does not want to witness Yasmen and Josiah’s inevitable reunion. When Yasmen makes light of this prediction, suggesting that Josiah “wouldn’t touch [her] with a six-foot pole,” he pulls her to him, saying, “I’m touching you now” (4204-4210).

Yasmen, remembering her resolve to take opportunities, kisses Josiah. She tells him she cannot let go of her memories of their last time together, and he admits he feels the same. He pulls her onto the kitchen counter, nearly bringing her to orgasm with his fingers. When they are afraid the guests will hear, they go to the garage and have passionate sex in the back of Yasmen’s car. Just as they finish, Deja calls for Yasmen. They rush to get dressed. Yasmen reflects that whatever this new passion means, they cannot risk their children finding out before they have clear boundaries in place.

Deja finds Yasmen and thanks her sincerely for the cake and the party. This kindness cements Yasmen’s resolve to repair their relationship and not let her feelings for Josiah impede this goal. Josiah texts Yasmen; they agree the encounter was incredibly satisfying, but Josiah says they will need to discuss things before having sex again. He also teasingly tells her he retrieved her underwear from the garage floor.

The scene opens with Josiah, who has requested an early appointment with Dr. Musa. He is anxious and concerned about what his recent encounter with Yasmen may mean. He reluctantly names some of his feelings to his therapist and admits his fears of what might come next. He also reluctantly explains that he struggled with impotence at the end of his marriage. Dr. Musa gently reminds him this problem is not a reflection of his sexuality but “[his] body expressing grief in the only way it could” (4319).

Josiah admits that the deeper problem is that he cannot imagine being with Yasmen again, as their divorce nearly wrecked his emotional equilibrium. He believes the same thing could happen again, especially if Yasmen sees this liaison as temporary. Dr. Musa tells him the answer is simple: He can have what he wants if he communicates authentically with Yasmen.

Days later, Yasmen arrives home from school drop-off to find Josiah waiting. He reminds her that they must unpack their recent encounters. In the kitchen, Yasmen is shocked when Josiah says he has already discussed some of his feelings with Dr. Musa, and she is “just so damn proud” of his new authenticity (4353). Josiah says that while they can never have a relationship based on sex alone, he cannot see this as a formal recommitment. They agree readily that it is too soon to share any of the developments with their children. He tells her that they can end things at any time but that his conditions must be what she wants as well—only unanimity will work. Yasmen agrees, reflecting privately that she would support almost any terms to bring him back into her life. They begin to kiss, and Yasmen leads him to their bedroom. Josiah smiles and assures her that he is familiar with where it is.

Yasmen is out having a rare evening with just Hendrix and Soledad. Hendrix is celebrating a recent work project, while Yasmen and Soledad are busy supporting their children’s extracurriculars. Hendrix reminds Soledad not to neglect her own ambitions. Josiah texts Yasmen, salaciously reminding her of their most recent time together, and both Hendrix and Soledad notice. When Yasmen refuses to explain, Hendrix wrestles her for her phone, and Soledad reads the texts.

Yasmen reluctantly explains, and both of them are impressed by the clear boundaries the couple have set and Josiah’s willingness to cover the topic in therapy. Both women are certain Josiah is still in love with her, but they remind her to keep herself safe and want her to discuss sexual exclusivity with Josiah.

Yasmen thanks her friends for their support. Soledad confides that she believes Edward is unfaithful. Both women support her when she says she will confront him if she ever has conclusive proof. Hendrix admits that her mother’s dementia is worsening, confiding the emotional pain of this change in her life. As she embraces her friends, Yasmen appreciates her new willingness to accept life’s flaws and challenges with their support.

Yasmen attends a presentation with Josiah at their children’s school. In the darkness, during a budget discussion, Josiah nearly brings Yasmen to orgasm with his hand before the lights go up. As Yasmen tries to compose herself and chat with other parents, Josiah whispers in her ear that he can tell she is still desperate for sex with him.

As the crowd disperses, Josiah pulls Yasmen into a dressing room behind the school’s stage and brings her to orgasm. He assures her there is no need to reciprocate, saying, “I just wanted to kiss you” (4566). Yasmen awkwardly breaks the moment by asking if he is dating other people. Flustered, she finally explains the substance of her conversation with Hendrix and Soledad. Josiah assures her he cannot imagine seeing other people. Yasmen feels tentatively hopeful that the love she feels may be reciprocated.